Well. Didn't expect that....

It's 3:05 am (well it was when I started writing) and I can't sleep. It had been a good day for the most part. I even felt I had made progress on the Me Discovering Me journey. And I had felt loved. The LOVE OF MY LIFE had been very loving, with thoughtful touches and little kisses which didn't feel pretend or forced. It was lovely right up until after dinner. We were snugging on the sofa and I saw him DM (Direct Message for non Twitter people those are private messages that don't show up on the public time line) the £85 phone call b'tch. So I ended up doing my usual, 'what you talking to her about?'. Just chatting he says how was your day, what you have for tea, that kind of thing. Well why did the message start with 'would' I ask. Well it went downhill from there because it brought it all back and I just kept on. I wasn't being emotional at all, just talking but it got to him and that look came back into his eyes. I didn't expect that. I don't understand why he is getting emotional when I am not. Maybe I touched a nerve. He says he is not settling for second best but who knows. By the time we'd got to bed we were right back to where we had been with him completely p'ssed off with me. How am I ever going to trust again? So much for me thinking I'd made progress on the Me Discovering Me journey.

This might sum up our year so far...

A twist (or twitter) on Johnny Cash and June Carter and their song, 'Jackson' which will forever make me think 'Twitter'.

You+Me:We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,

We've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went out.

You:I'm goin' to Twitter, I'm gonna mess around,

Yeah, I'm goin' to Twitter,

Look out Twitter town.

Me:Well, go on down to Twitter; go ahead and wreck your health.

Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,

Yeah, go to Twitter; go comb your hair!

You:Honey, I'm gonna snowball Twitter.

Me:See if I care.

You:When I breeze into that city, people gonna stoop and bow.

Me:Hah!!

You:All them women gonna make me, teach 'em what they don't know how,

I'm goin' to Twitter, you turn-a loose-a my coat.

'Cos I'm goin' to Twitter.

Me:"Goodbye," that's all she wrote.

Me:But they'll laugh at you in Twitter, and I'll be dancin' on a Pony Keg.

They'll lead you 'round town like a scolded hound,

With your tail tucked between your legs,

Yeah, go to Twitter, you big-talkin' man.

And I'll be waitin' in Twitter, behind my Japan Fan,

You+Me:Well now, We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout,

We've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went out.

I'm goin' to Twitter, and that's a fact.

Yeah, we're goin' to Twitter, ain't never comin' back.

Me:Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm mhmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm

You:Well, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout'

And we've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went...

Knock me for six

Well we got back from holiday and things seemed to have improved. It felt loving and safe again. So I was shocked at the conversation we just had. I'd tried arrange a night out for this week but then had to give up as it was obvious that the LOVE OF MY LIFE'S heart wasn't really into the idea as it would mean travelling and getting back late. I've been rather affectionate this week. Feeling more like the old me but got the impression that he was already tiring of it and I commented that this is what he had wanted. Well that lead on to him saying that my reaction to his lack of interest in the trip out was interesting given that he felt it was my first knock back and he had had many knock backs over the past 11 years. The way he spoke took me back months to when he just didn't want me anymore. The annoyance, not sure if that is the right word, in him as to why I was being affectionate now and hadn't, in his opinion, for the past 11 years. And it has just knocked me for six. I thought what we were doing now was mutual. And now I feel like a teenager who has been throwing herself at a boy that doesn't really want to know. He said it needs time to see how it goes but that isn't how it had come across before. I thought we both wanted to be together. Obviously, the jury is still out on his part. But when I asked him before if he was just with me till he got a job and got himself back on his feet he said no. So now this has caused an upset. I tried not to let him see it had knocked me for six but he is already going on that I am being funny with him. I'm not, honestly. I just took myself away to think about what had been said and to work out my feelings. I was trying to be adult and unemotional. I'm going to be accused of causing yet another roller coaster. But I don't mean to and right now there's so much horrible stuff going on at work that the last thing I can cope with is yet another area of my life falling apart. I need calm and stability otherwise I'm going to crack up. It will start my paranoid mind off again as two weeks ago I felt he was on the hunt for a replacement £85 phone call woman. Maybe he is. Carry on with me till he sorts himself out and then bye bye baby.

#silentsunday

Who am I? Where am I?

I thought I was doing okay. I thought we were doing okay. Since the drinking stopped it has been three weeks of heaven; added to the fact that £85 phone call woman is on holiday visiting the Love of her Life's family and has not been tweeting for a few days. We are on holiday too but the cheapness of the beer and the holiday spirit has meant the drinking has returned even though it is still August and therefore breaks our agreement. I felt guilty depriving him when he had done so well. I've had a few upset though the past couple of days (well it is that time of the month) but I've caused upset tonight cause I spotted him typing a question to someone about how sensitive their nipples are. Well I couldn't keep it to myself so asked what it was all about. It was apparently not to the £85 phone call b'tch but to another one of his 'friends'. All in good fun, like. Only I'm not laughing and just feel a prat. He has gone funny with me now. And is sitting there not tweeting despite me saying carry on. Am I over reacting? Am I just tired and emotional? Will I ever be able to sit here and see the funny side of it?

I feel like crying only what is the point.

Love

MDM x

It been a while

Well 2 weeks now without any alcohol and the difference has been amazing. Started to feel very much like the beginning despite everything that has happened in the past 6 months. Not one roller coaster!

Last few days though since returning from holiday I have felt more insecure. Maybe because THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has been on the computer a lot and it is making me feel that he might still be carrying on 'virtually' with the £85 phone call woman. Or may be even looking for more women like that. I'm probably going to spoil things keep worrying about it. I upset him tonight for muting the tv at the end of the film, then said the wrong thing when he told me he had been listening to it. Tonight I feel really strongly that there is more than just idle chat going on. Collaboration is the word that springs to mind but how am I ever going to know. You can never know what people get up to these days with the change the Internet brings.

Anyway need to get some sleep as I have stayed up very late too many times this week. I need sleep then maybe I won't be so paranoid. We haven't really spoke and certainly haven't touched since the muting tv business. Feels like we have gone back to where we were before. Horrible feeling after 2 weeks of almost heaven.

Another step eh; on the journey to Me Discovering Me xxxx

Confused, yet again!

It's the first morning back in the house and the mood is definitely somber. Tiredness after yesterdays move I suppose. I guess I just need to be patient and give it time.

MDM

Back to the Beginning

Well, we are back at the house. Due to hand the flat back tomorrow. It seems strange to be back here. Seems like only two minutes since we left here to try and see if things could work out for us. I'm not really sure where we are and where we are heading. Watch this space.

MDM

I just don't understand us

We had our first row in 11 years and it was horrible. He had made a comment that I hadn't heard. (I have a hearing problem) So I asked him to repeat what he said and he wouldn't, which then made me feel he had said something nasty. I had popped out earlier after our little chat about the future and about the rules that would have to apply if we were to continue. (I had to go against my principles which is never set rules or demands on a man). But it was mainly around not drinking in August at least. He had told me that he wanted to give up so I hope it would be helpful to him. I was so worried what he was going to say when he read it but he just said, yes, okay and seemed relieved, so god knows what he had expected me to come up with. I then had to pop out and when I came back he seemed different, moody although you could see the cider he had been drinking taking affect. Well when he wouldn't tell me what he said I got more and more distressed and angry and so did he. 'It's over then!', he says. Yes, I'll move the children and myself out tomorrow. Then he said about staying on in the flat and me paying for it. I said I can't afford it. He had said the same thing himself not more than an hour before. Then he said what am I going to live on so I guess he wanted pocket money too. Then he said if I didn't then I would have to pay him out of the house. I can't believe he said that because he always claimed not to be a materialistic person and knowing that moving into the flat I had had to stop the payments on the mortgage which were covered by an inheritance that i had used to cover the mortgage. Not helped by the fact I had had to stop the payments to get us through Christmas due to him leaving the job before this one. I was shocked that things would turn this nasty and threatening. His phone was next to him so I grab it and said who are you talking to. He fought me to get to the phone and only stopped when he managed to click the button that locked the screen. So heavens knows who he was talking to. :-(

I just could not believe that it would end so nastily between us. So I tried to talk to him and suddenly felt calm. He seemed to calm down too and soon we were talking and holding hands like we were the closest people in the world. I really do not understand us. I guess we just need time but my sanity can't take the roller coaster ride. This morning I made the mistake of looking at his mentions on his private Twitter account and people were saying about not being able to take him in. Now I feel down again. But I guess I'm telling the blog. The only difference is people reading this blog don't have a clue who I am but the people on his private twitter account know him and include the £85 women on her 'dirty' Twitter account.

You need trust to have a loving relationship and after tonight I am not sure if it is really me he wants or just needs somewhere to stay till he gets on his feet again. He hates it when I don't believe what he says but it is hard too when he lies so much. Worse still when I know 100% that he is lying and he still lies even when there is no need to lie. How can I learn to trust?

And yet again...

alcohol has spoilt my day. Or am I making excuses. And if I am making excuses for him, maybe he is just a nasty bastard because you wouldn't treat anyone as despicably as he treats me.

I. DO. NOT. DESERVE. TO. BE. TREATED. LIKE. THAT!

Chapters.

I'm on the journey home from work but it is a much bigger journey than that. Today I might find out if a new exciting chapter full of love and happy endings is about to begin or a chapter dealing with the final pain of lost love, alcoholism and disappoint is about to end.

Wish me luck xxxMDMxxx

It's My Fault

It seems that I am the cause of the drinking because I don't show him love in the way he expects.

It is very hard to show love when someone changes when they drink. Not to mention: the Twitter Lovers; the 'picture' swapping; the video/skype 'sex'; the arrest for dd; being wasted in the daytime when he has the children; walking around in my maternity trousers as no money for clothes as he needs money for booze (my daughter is 9 years old now so those trousers are lasting so well - but I look scruffy at work now I've lost weight); I try not to resent the money but it is me that has to balance the books. He has not had to worry about money as that is all on my shoulders made worse now by the fact that I now only have my wage to juggle. I managed to fund the trip to Rome which was my 40th birthday present from him. He also wants a trip abroad with the children in a villa with a pool. I do too but I used all my leave in the first six months of the year taking days off cause of all the upset and not wanting to go to work with red eyes and sobbing. And I can't find the money. We will be down by £17k at the end of this year IF we stick to the budget which we never do. I'm balancing it all on credit cards. Although I'll need a new balance transfer to get us through the end of the month. Apparently his perfect £85 phone call woman would not have a problem with his drinking.

Anyway, I thought I had shown my love by sticking by him through all of that but he still feels I don't show him love. :-(

MDM

Sunday, 31July 2011

Alcohol spoilt my day today.

Too much from the night before topped up with about 5 litres of cider.

Alcohol kills love.

Yours a very sad and disappointed

MeDiscoveringMe

xxxx

Thoughts (work in progress - 1st rough draft)

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to be wanted.

I deserve to be treated with respect. 

I deserve to be told the truth.

I deserve to have a best friend. 

I will not be second choice. 

I will not be second best. 

I will not live in fear of alcohol for myself or for my children or for the LOVE OF MY LIFE.

I will no longer be deprived due to money spent on alcohol.

I will no longer allow myself to be bullied.

Confused Emotions

So much has happened the last couple of weeks I am so confused. The LOVE OF MY LIFE told me so many times that he loves me this weekend and yesterday. Started to feel a bit like we were in the beginning. I'm not sure what set it off. Has one of his Twitter women upset him? Was it the enormous amount of alcohol he had consumed? He was basically drunk for three days. Was he just horny (sorry for the bluntness) or does he indeed love me? I wish I knew.

I don't know what to do. I was thinking today about my lack of self discipline. It is so lacking that I don't think I was even in the queue when it was handed out! You can see the lack of self discipline in this blog. I had wanted to post once a day at least or on average and I have barely visited here recently. When I tried to work out why I decided it is because of my lack of honesty or should that be my secretive nature. There is so much I could say if I could allow myself to be honest but I am so worried about someone working out who I am or worse who the LOVE OF MY LIFE is that I hold back and that leaves very little to be said. But I guess I am not a very honest person anyway. I don't mean to tell lies and in a lot of respects I am a very honest person. I have even been told I am too honest. Oh dear is this the Gemini coming out. Never spotted that before. So why do I think I am dishonest when I am usually so honest? The other thing I have discovered about myself is that I am like a mirror. I reflect back to you what you show to me. So if you are nice to me I can't be anything else to you. If you are not nice I'll reflect that back. Now this is where it doesn't make any sense because the reason I feel I am not honest is when someone hurts me I'll not say anything to them. I might give out evil vibes, for want of better words, but I won't say anything. Also, I have a tendency to say what I think you want to hear. So if you're lying to me and I know for sure you are, I'll cover for you. I won't say, don't lie to me. Am I avoiding confrontation? I don't know. Well must end this here as I'm at my stop (on my next part of my journey to Me Discovering Me).

Faithful? Confused :-(

What does being faithful mean to you? Is a guy/husband faithful as long as he doesn't sleep with anyone else?

What about if he is possibly swapping pictures with people or maybe even one person or using video like Skype and doing heaven knows what?

What if you think he is in love with someone who is already married and that is why he hasn't physically left yet because she is apparently happily married but she is having long £85 telephone calls with someone else's husband? Just good friends apparently.

What are you suppose to think when the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE tells you he no longer wants you but then this weekend spends it drinking and then says he loves you same as he did a few weeks ago, when he had, again, been drinking? Is the (more excessive that normal excessive) drinking, and for want of a better word, the 'clinging' to me, because the married woman has been distant with him?

Is this a midlife crisis? Is this a typical Librian trait - falling in love with falling in love? I still believe that poem is about her but he says the poem is just made up but it's not. It's not. So all the lying, is that a form of cheating? Why lie? What is the point? Because he now has no job, can't drive now until January and has no money of his own to find somewhere to live after the lease on the flat expires. The flat we took on, years too late, to try to see how we got on living in our own space. Surely he should have cut ties with the Twitter world and Twitter lovers. How can you see how things are if you are constantly talking (and by constantly I mean Constantly) to someone else? Why didn't he say something to me years ago instead of pretending to love me? Makes me feel that there is not even any respect there, I'm not even treated as a human being with feelings.

To say I am confused is an understatement. I have to go to work today after having spent last week, abroad, alone with the LOVE OF MY LIFE (and by alone I mean me and him and his tweeting to the £85 phone call woman and others). I need to work, I need to keep my wits about me so I can keep my job as I am the only bread winner now he has given his job up. He still hasn't given up the drink though despite saying he would. People around me think I am a mug, I guess. Wish I knew what to think, feel and do. Can feeling myself moving back behind my brickwall, locking the doors and windows, and pulling down the blinds. My sparkle is going to end up disappearing forever. :-(

Feelings...

Just in case it's not obvious or anyone has forgotten; I'm a human being too, with feelings.

#silentsunday

Criticism

Criticism.

A dominate feature in my life. Please note I am posting drunk so might not make much sense.

Today there has been lots of criticism. Today's criticism was driving too close to the on-coming cars. Since the LOVE OF MY LIFE has had to rely on me driving EVERYwhere the criticisms have been coming fast and thick. Sorry, should read thick and fast!

However, I remember in the past being criticised for driving too close to the drains. Ever get that feeling that you just can't do right!

Yours Never Right

MDM

Thought for tonight

Thought I'd try a new approach before I turn the light out for the night. I don't seem to be blogging or concentrating on the goal so I hope this idea will pull it back a little. I've grabbed one of my self help books off the shelf and given the pages a quick flick. This one really hit me today as I tried to have a little tidy up (read throw out/ shred) to try and get on top of things. And what book and page did I turn to tonight?

The Rules Of Life page 80-81

Headed - Prune Your Stuff Frequently

Boxed text - Clutter overwhelms you emotionally and gets more and more cobwebby.

I wish I could copy the whole piece out because it just so fits in with today.

Let's all think of William Morris who said that you shouldn't have anything in your house that isn't beautiful and useful. When we wake up in the morning let's take a look at our lives through William Morris' ideals.

Nite nite

MDM

#silentsunday

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

So where are we?  Or should I say where am I?  This blog is, after all, supposed to be about me discovering me.  Well as you can see from the lack of posts I have most certainly taken my eye off the goal. 

Why?

Well, we seemed to have settled into a pattern, that and the early mornings (5am) taking a toll so that there is just no energy left to do anything but get up, work, go to bed, repeat. 

Then Friday, 17 June I had, probably, the best day I had had in a long time.  I had gone out for the day with mom and we had had a brilliant, relaxing, enjoyable day.  I had been in contact with the LOVE OF MY LIFE via DM's most of the day but when I got home he started on me saying that I was being funny with him.  I had had a bad dream the night before about him being with another woman and he felt I was being funny with him about that.  I wasn't, and for once in my life stuck up for myself, and said that is a load of rubbish.  Anyway, things went from bad to worse until I was sobbing my heart out.  You know just how messed up can you get in your life?  There were things going on at work, and accidents happening to relatives that just made me feel everything is falling apart.  I was going to sleep on the sofa but he insisted I come to bed.  I was still crying uncontrollably in bed and then the LOVE OF MY LIFE, in that tone that he has when you have really pissed him off said, "WHAT are you crying for, I'm still here aren't I? I haven't gone anywhere have I?".  Wow, I couldn't believe the arrogance.  To say I was shocked was an understatement to say the least.  Wow, I felt I should have been groveling on the floor thanking him for the shit mess my life is in. 

Anyway, I changed from that moment on.  It is obvious that I am not loved, not even well thought of.  And that's how I spent my week, still reeling from the shock.  I didn't do it consciously but I can see now that I stopped the little touches, and the neediness (for want of a better word) and just accepted my lot. 

The LOVE OF MY LIFE mentioned the difference in me when we went out on the Monday for my 40th birthday and I was honest for the most part and said that Friday had been like a last straw after all the things he had subjected me to since January. 

He had given up his job a couple of weeks ago and had the next two weeks left to work.  I don't know what changed in him over the following weekend. I did wonder if it was the amount he had drunk, or the fact in a couple of weeks he would no longer have a job and therefore we wouldn't be able to afford the flat and would have to move back to where it all began.

We had to go out on the Friday for an event for the children, then a family bbq on the Saturday.  Then on Sunday he kept saying I love you.  He said it in such a way that I believed him and it felt like it had done in the very beginning in our relationship.  It felt like, not only did he love me but he was in love with me.  I tried so hard not to take it to heart and then he said it in front of the children.  That got him hugs from both of them as they know only too well what is going on.  I felt then that it must be true as to say that in front of the children you just wouldn't would you, not unless you meant it.  I can't tell you how safe and happy I felt.  I did have a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that was the drink talking but he assured me it wasn't.

Then earlier this week something happened where, in the old days, he would have deliberately said I love you but he didn't.  Well the doubt set in because if he truly did feel love for me in his heart he WOULD have said it then.  And he didn't.  I've noticed he has not said it all week.  I mentioned it to him last night and he just said he is so tired with the 5am starts.  But he was tired with them last week.

Well the same thing has just happened this morning and he didn't say the three magic words, I love you.  So I said you don't love me do you?  He said I do a bit.  I love spending time with you and being with you.  But you are not in love with me are you?  A little, he said and showed me just how little with his fingers.  Well, that is so different to the feeling from last weekend.  I feel such a fool.

I thought we were going to be okay and now I'm not sure we will.  I think it is very cruel to make someone believe that you do love them when you clearly don't.  Was he trying to make amends for Friday, was he worried where he would live as he no longer has a job, was it the drink - is that why he convinced me everything was back to how it was in the beginning and that he loved me?  I can feel myself slipping away back behind my brick wall.  I really need to put regular effort into Me Discovering Me.

#silentsunday

The lesson this week...

from work of all places.

Stop being negative!

That was the advice from my new boss.  It got me thinking, and noticing, just how negative I am.  My glass is not half full, it's actually on the floor smashed to pieces.  That's how negative I am.  But my excuse is that if you think the worse it can only get better. Right?

Anyway, the reason for this post is that I noticed a tweet today in one of those paper.li newspapers from Twitter posts.  It was this one here. Interesting I thought, I'll save that till tonight and have a proper look at it. I like to know a bit about why people are posting things to see what their motivation is.  So I clicked the banner to get to the main page of the site and it came up with this. Well what a coincidence! Learn to stop negative thoughts.

Just what I need.

So to get into the habit of being thankful - thank you to Michael Berry, the blogger who posted it.

And instead of my usual saying of May the Force Be with You, which I often say.   I'll sign off with the blogger's sign off 'May the joy be with you'.

Thank you. And good night :-)

If you need to laugh...

Just been catching up reading people's blogs and if you ever want to laugh uncontrollably just read the following bodily fluids post from iknowineedtostoptalking

Haven't laugh so much in years!!!  Her life is indeed insane!!! Thank you for sharing - laughter is the best medicine. :-)))

#silentsunday

And we're back

Looks like Mr Hyde is about to make his appearance. Fantastic. Just what I need right now.

And it burns, burns, burns...

'cause I've just realised I'm Vivian not June :-((

Update

Well I failed to keep up to date with my blog posts. My excuses? Not been feeling well and spending time worrying about the interview. Well the interview is now over but I still don't feel well. Sore throat and very strange pain on the right side of my head. Also, the LOVE OF MY LIFE has not been feeling well either and when that happens he stops talking altogether. I am trying not to let this affect me but I can feel the distance growing :-(

All I can feel is that I am not wanted even though he says he is happy to be here. I'm just tired right? Just tired and poorly right? Just need to put my energy into relaxing, getting some rest and clearing this pain in my head; and maybe then the pain in my heart will lift and I can get back to Me Discovering Me?

Today was a good day...well until they put Eurovision on.

Had a good day today.  It was about to go downhill at one point, due in part, I guess, to me not feeling too well and not driving to the standard to satisfy the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  But he stopped it spiralling out of control by holding my hand and we threw ourself into the task at hand; getting me a suit for my interview!!  Those that have visited here before may have read that I was going to try for a new job.  Well, I have an interview!!! We didn't get a complete outfit but managed to get a suit and some beautiful new shoes.  As we were hunting for a new blouse to go with my new suit I spotted a pair of crazy trousers (that look like a long skirt) on a mannequin in a shop window.  I told the LOVE OF MY LIFE and he said to go and try them on.  Well, normally I'd have said no and carried on walking.  But this time I agreed.  They were the kind of things I would have brought years ago when I was slim.  Anyway, I tried on a size 10 (I'm down from a size 16 to a size 12 since the beginning of the year) and they looked good but a little too long even with my new shoes on.  So I asked the LOVE OF MY LIFE to get a size 8 and I could get into them!  I can't tell you how good that felt even if they did have an elasticated waist.  I used to be a size 8 and I miss that :-( but it looks like it might be possible to start feeling a bit better about myself which will hopefully help bring my twinkle back.  There was a little bit of twinkle today with the kindness and time that the LOVE OF MY LIFE  has given/shown me today.  Giving up his weekend to go shopping, wait around changing rooms, give advise, go through the tills and carry it all.  Shame he is spoiling it all making me watch Eurovision.  (only joking...sort of)

Belated Post Written Last Night - Calming Down and Growing Up

I tried to hide myself away when I got home as I was upset at the lack of contact today.  That upset the LOVE OF MY LIFE and he tried to find out what was wrong (the effort he put into trying to find out what was wrong was above and beyond anything in the past - which I took to mean he was actually concerned at the change from okay in the morning to not okay on the night).  I didn't know how to tell him, or even if I should, as why should I be expecting texts from him when I know he doesn't want me. So I tried to explain, probably rather badly, and he just couldn't see my point. Then I could see Mr Hyde appearing.  So I read some blogs and let out some of my frustrations in comments and then decided life is too short and I am not prepared to be miserable any longer.  So I tried to talk to the LOVE OF MY LIFE but he was dealing with the children.  Later I went up to give him a hug to try and stop it spiralling and he just said 'What!' in that tone that he has when you know you've really pissed him off so I just walked away. That kind of said it all to me. Proved to me that I was right. I thought about it for a bit but was getting upset because at the end of the day if we have live here together for the children I can't have Mr Hyde around otherwise I will have to leave.  So I tried again to talk to him.  Finally, he explained how it made him feel hurt to be blanked by me when I got home.  I tried to explain that wasn't my intention and that I was trying to hide away as I felt hurt.  I explained, as I did, last night that the one text day that I had been getting from him over the past few days had meant an awful lot to me because it showed that he had thought of me.  I explained that when I didn't hear from him today after explaining last night that I had appreciated how considerate he had been, I thought it was because he had realised that he was giving me the wrong message and had stopped.  Apparently that was not the case.  He said that this is how we got into this mess in the first place because we didn't talk to each other.  I said that I did appreciate that he tried very hard to find out what was wrong. Oh, this is coming out all garbled. Well to cut the story short. The LOVE OF MY LIFE says that I just need to come home and say - I am upset because..... and just say it. Which I realised is probably the adult thing to do and that I have been acting like a child.  (I've never been very adult no matter how old I get).  So the lessons then:

• Just because I don't get a text (and his Twitter women get lots of messages from him) doesn't mean he is not okay with me.  
• I need to say exactly what is wrong, that I am upset and why?
• I need to remember not to shut off as that just prolongs the agony.

So hopefully, despite being upset today, I may have taken a small step to Me Discovering Me?

Geek and Jock

I always like to take a look at the timelines of people who follow me on the @MeDiscoveringMe Twitter account.  Today's new follower was @GeekandJock Now I tend to get wary when people have links in almost every tweet.  Bit silly really considering that with this blogging lark I bet most of my tweets look like that too.  You have to remember I am behind the times as, from what I can gather, blogging is a bit old hat now.  I do have a tendency to jump on the bandwagon at bit late at times.  Anyway, the following tweet caught my eye:

GeekandJock What If He/She Says It's All OK and It's Not? http://goo.gl/fb/L9Jjs #healthyrelationship #healthyrelationships

Well, anyone who has read this blog will know that fits my situation like a glove so I had a quick look.  And then I got to the part where it said, 'you'll end up with just a roommate;'  Well this is almost what the LOVE OF MY LIFE was saying a few weeks ago, about living together as 'friends' rather than husband and wife.  I haven't had a much time today as I wanted other wise I would have spent a lot more time on the website.  I have done this quick blog so I can remember to come back to it and invest some time to see what help it can give me in sorting out the mess that is my life.  And see if that can help Me Discovering Me.

So thank you @GeekandJock (PS how do I follow your blog using Blogger?)

A lesson learnt

Rollercoasters, I hate them. The LOVE OF MY LIFE loves them except the emotional rollercoasters I seem to constantly take since being told I'm no longer wanted and haven't been wanted for years. I'd feel quite angry when he complained about the crying and the emotional rollercoaster ride, after all, in my mind, he helped create it. But I learnt a valuable lesson this weekend. I now understand very clearly why the LOVE OF MY LIFE doesn't like riding someone's rollercoaster. It's very upsetting, confusing and scary :'-(

The LOVE OF MY LIFE was so kind, caring and, dare I say, loving this week/weekend. And I can't believe it was pretend as there is no point at all pretending now. And I did remember to keep myself in check and not take it too much to heart. Then, aside from the drink, something happened to send him into the depths of despair. I have talked to him this morning (well I tried probably too much) and he is adamant that it is nothing I have done to trigger it and that it is down to him. Personally, I feel the trigger has got to come from somewhere so I am guessing one of his Twitter women have said something that has knocked him. Maybe she is suddenly free to have a proper relationship with him now and he feels bad for making me feel better only to know he has to knock me down again. Who knows. He won't talk to me which is how we got in this mess in the first place. I don't think there is anything I can do. If you're no longer the one, that's it you're done for.

Anyway, I am sorry for putting the LOVE OF MY LIFE through my emotional rollercoasters so many times.

I will try not to do that anymore. I will remember the perspective blog, and Vicktor Frankl, and to try and use the energy that I would waste on a rollercoaster and try and focus it on Me Discovering Me.

(so it has been said, so it shall be done (I hope))

The more I think about it the more confused I become...

... may be it's not the Canadian woman -may be she is just a smoke screen.  The reason I know about her is that I woke up in bed at the beginning of this year after LOVE OF MY LIFE told me no longer wanted me and hadn't wanted me for years - he'd just been pretending and could see that he was tweeting. He didn't realise that I was awake so I looked carefully and I saw him tweet to the Canadian one - Can I tell you I want to be with you?  I just don't understand though.  It easy to say oh in love with a women in Canada but you don't need to worry as the distance means I'm staying here.  But you know - may be there was an attraction there with the Canada one but this other twitter/£85 phone call women (in England somewhere close to where he works) I still think there is more than just friends..  I mean you don't phone your 'friend' everyday on the way to work, for an hour every lunch time, and on the way home everyday from work.  And you don't phone your 'friend' for an hour when you have just arrived for the family Christmas holiday.  Or meet up with them on the drive home having sent your wife and children off to shop so you can meet this person alone.  And she is supposed to be happily married and happy for me to call her for her to explain to me that the £85 in phone bills is all innocent.  Of course if she is his 'friend' she'll say whatever needs to be said to shut me up, especially if her husband is blissfully unaware of that his wife is having lengthy phone calls with a male 'friend'.  Funny how it always seems to be in work hours almost like doing it when the husband won't find out.  And then there is that poem the LOVE OF MY LIFE wrote. He says the poems are made up but sorry that's just not him.  The poems come out of him, what he is thinking and feeling and I am a mug to believe that they are just stories inspired by the radio?  He did a poem about loving someone but them being with their husband and he should be here and she should be there even though he loves her.  If I find out her husband's name beginning with A then I'll know as there were two letters mentioned and one of them was A and one of them was the inital of the LOVE OF MY LIFE but very cleverly used in the poem which is just like him.  It's all very sad.  How does he expect me to love and understand him if he won't talk to me?  It is so easy to talk to a stranger on Twitter - you can reveal what you want and if you don't click then you just block them.  Having that ability to talk really honestly to someone gives you very good foundations on which to build a very good relationship.  I'm just the wife, I never got that opportunity and I never will get that opportunity.  It is just so unfair.  So those of you out there building relationships on Twitter make sure you're not neglecting your other half at home because given half the chance they might have been your best friend too, the one who understands you more than anyone else.

Oh, yes and he spent lunchtime telling our eldest one all about this women.  Well what does that tell you?

update - OMG I have just googled her to see if I can find out the name of her husband.  And she is the one - she has her picture but you have to put it together as a jigsaw and I remember the LOVE OF MY LIFE and me putting the jigsaw together together - oh, if only I had known then what it would lead to.  Just looked to see if there are any comments from him and there are - this was 11 months ago - 'Lovely idea, lovely picture, lovely you.' I am one hell of a fool aren't I!!!!

Just changed my google search directly on her website and there is a post about her marrying the love of her life nine years ago and she ends the post - Happy Anniversary, A x

Well that's a coincidence isn't it - only funnily enough the LOVE OF MY LIFE always says - there is no such thing as coincidence.  I rest my case.  :-(

Bet she is having a right old laugh at me. Maybe I should follow her blog - wonder if she'd recognise herself?  Only I'm not like that, maybe I need to learn to be.:-((

So much for early nights and getting some much needed sleep.

Right, time for a calm down and some bubble popping...

tonight the first bubble pop lead me here Let There Be Love -  A girl searching for happiness.  I am going to follow her journey and may be she can give me a few tips.  :-)

What did I do?

What did I do to turn him back to Mr Hyde?  He had been so nice to me this weekend and then it's all got nasty again.  I didn't think I would be going to bed crying again.  It's so not fair.  What did I do?  And why do I keep doing it?

I wish I knew what was going on?

I don't know what has happened but the LOVE OF MY LIFE's mood has really plummeted.  Just seen some tweets from him telling all the world how he is the worse this and the worse that.  I have asked him what is wrong but he just says 'I'm okay', 'I'm okay', 'I'm okay', but he is clearly not okay.  Such a change from the almost happy person this morning. Do you think it is the drink?  Whilst the drink can make you happy it can also drop you in the deepest despair.  I wish he would talk to me but he won't.  I guess at least he has that women from Twitter (no not the Canadian one - the £85 phone bill one) that he can talk to.  I should just accept the fact that I am never going to be the one for him despite believing that when we met.  There is no point me being here anymore :-( Really need to hurry up and get myself sorted out.

I can feel my mood plummeting with him. :-(((

Nervous :-(

I don't like it when the LOVE OF MY LIFE starts drinking so early in the day especially on top of the amount drunk last night.  I don't care what he says it does change his personality and whilst he seems pleasant there are underlying tones that I can't put into words.  I don't know, like a short fuse.  He is ranting at the laptop now and the language is not great at times.  He makes me feel so nervous.  His moves are over exagerated.  He would be angry if I tried to explain how I feel right now.  I'd just be a nagging wife going on about his drinking and like he says - HE DOESN'T CARE, he'll do what he pleases.  It's half three in the afternoon so I am really dreading the rest of the day as he will be able to drink everything that is currently in the house.  I just hope he doesn't go into the garage and start on that lot.  I know he is tired and it is his way of trying to ensure a good nights sleep and I'm tired too which isn't a good combination.

Trouble is I am like a mirror, I end up reflecting back what people show me.

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has just asked me how I am.  So I tried to be honest.  I told him basically what I have just written above.  The blog helped as it let me form my feelings so when I was asked I was able to say how I felt.  He said I don't need to be worried and that he is fine and he wasn't angry with me so I got that wrong didn't I.  I know he is not totally fine though as when you have had a drink and are tired that's how you feel isn't it, fine. I need to remember to keep things in perspective and not start on one of my downward spirals.  Rollercoaster ride can go away, thank you very much!!!

Welcome back Dr Jekyll

:-))))

The LOVE OF MY LIFE is back to Dr Jekyll

:-))))

Sleep - that's what we all need.  Lots of it.

Is Mr Hyde coming back? :-(

I can feel things changing again. We had a lovely morning, the LOVE OF MY LIFE being so kind to me but then we went shopping with the children and it started to turn again.  We are all so tired so may be that is the reason. that (need to try and remember the Perspective) and the fact that we were taking so long, or the fact that we were interupting his tweeting.  Then when we got home he got a bit angry which I find quite scary.  I don't know how much he has had to drink though. Please don't change I just need more time to get used to things.  Just need to get through each day as calmly as possible with as much sleep as possible.  Should have gone to bed by now.  Have been reading the whole of the blog I posted about earlier.  Read it from the beginning right through to the latest post.  Been crying my eyes out so the LOVE OF MY LIFE wanted to know why I was crying - he hates the crying and the roller coaster ride.  I just said, I just reading someone's blog.  Then I got all the questions about what was it about, what was the subject.  In the end I just said what do you think!  He said husbands doing bad things.  Yes :-((

In the same bubble...

I have been at it again searching for a new blog to follow today.  The fourth bubble pop (on wefeelfine) took me here - Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So many similarities with my situation except that THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has only gone off mentally, not physically.  But her words 'he still loves me but is not 'in love' with me' is EXACTLY what THE LOVE OF MY LIFE told me at the beginning of this year. 

Proves the point that you are never alone and you are never the only one going through stuff.  This blogging idea is wonderful because it helps you see this quite clearly and that gives you some kind of support and strength.

Well done to all you bloggers out there sharing your thoughts and feelings - you are probably helping many, many people.  Keep at it.

Today's Bubble Discovery..

I been clicking bubbles again on that We Feel Fine site.  This is where it lead me tonight My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog (soon to be: My Getting Skinny Super Super Teeny Weeny Blog

Where will your clicking take you?

http://www.wefeelfine.org/wefeelfine_pc.html

Update:  Just been reading through the above mentioned blog - this post here is so important, I want to remember how to find it when things get me down - Perspective

I'm 21...

... well in blogging terms.  I have posted 21 blogs since I started on 15 April 2011.  Shocking!  I actually stuck to something longer than 2 seconds.  That I am going to claim as a success.  This will be blog number 22 in 21 days so whilst I have not posted daily I have somehow managed to do an average of one blog a day.  So for me that is success in itself.  I have not been focusing enough on the actual task at hand mainly due to the fact of every day life getting in the way but at least I have a record of my thoughts and feelings.  Time flies so incredibly fast lately.  Do you realise we are heading to almost half way through 2011?  How did that happen?  We'll be seeing the Christmas decorations in the shops shortly. 

I Feel, You Feel, They Feel, We all Feel - check out the Feelings

Anyone come across this website before? - http://wefeelfine.org/wefeelfine_pc.html

I've been looking at the blogger stats again (!) and it shows the 'Traffic Sources' and the above one stood out.  So I had a little look, cautiously, as I am always wary of unknown links and it is crazy.  Little bubbles moving around the screen and they are all feelings being posted by people.  Hundreds of them all different colours, shapes, etc.  Someone must have hit on my bubble which, I assume, had picked up a blog where I must have written - I Feel or some such wording.

I clicked on some of the bubbles - the square ones bring up pictures and well as quotes.  When I clicked on the source of the quote it took me to a blogger page.  I have been wanting to discover other blogs of interest but there doesn't seem to be a good way to do it.  This, WeFeelFine, seems to be the perfect, random, crazy solution.

Wish I had known about this site when the Royal Wedding was on (or the other news this past week) as it would have been interesting to see if there were significant feelings.  Isn't technology amazing!  And the people that create with it.  Little screen snap...hope that's okay?

Where will your bubble clicking take you?

Mine took me here - 2001emotionalfeelings.blogspot.com which by coincidence made me think of this blog post - Half Lie/Myth/Shielding from the Truth #5 - iknowineedtostoptalking.blogspot.com

Funny old world.

OMG - Stop Press....

Another part of the map coloured in - Netherlands 2.  This is going to get addictive - I could travel the world via my blog stats.  Well, I could if the people stopping here would leave a trail to their blogs. ;-)

This Blogging Lark...

I have to say this Blogging Lark certainly makes the world feel smaller.  I didn't expect anyone to stop by at my blog given the amount of blogs, etc that must be out there in the WWW, and the fact that I must be one of the most boring people in the Universe, so I find the Stats provided by blogger fascinating.

If you have a blog - what countries stop by to take a look?  Has anyone coloured in the whole world map yet?  I'd love to know - blog about it and post the link to your blog in the comments so I can 'read all about it', please. :-)

Here are mine:

* ignore this figure as most were probably me before I worked out how to stop counting myself.

United States  , 54

United Kingdom,  29*

India , 3

Germany,  2

Sweden,  2

Russia, 1

Singapore 1