Tupler Technique Confession

I received a comment asking for an update. Well as anyone following the blog might have predicted I didn't keep up with the Tupler Technique despite being convinced that the technique could help me. I'm still 2 inches less than I was so that is very pleasing. I think the reason I stopped is that I had got to the point where I had to do the exercises lying down. I couldn't figure out how to do this when I was at work. Which is a bit of a cop out as I do work from home 2, 3, sometimes 4 days a week. But I'm just not organised enough to find the time morning, noon and night but I have to. I am going to attempt to start again and use the new year as the motivation. One thing I have always done though is wore the splint or one of those Velcro belts 24/7 and I'm always very careful to hold everything when I sneeze, etc. Still, sometimes I am not quick enough and the pain that rips through my stomach is incredible and it's got to be like Julie Tupler says - it's ripping the tissue. I don't think I can do without the splint as it just holds all my organs in and I feel very uncomfortable when I take it off. I definitely need the support and I must start the exercises again so I can make progress on the physical road to me discovering me.

The Life Audit

Those of you following the blog from the beginning may remember my love of (almost unread) self help books. One of these is The Life Audit by Caroline Righton.

I've had this book since 2009 and even spent an extra £10 purchasing electronic pdf copies of the paperwork to save damaging the book by writing my inner most thoughts into it.  But as you might expect from me I never quite got round to doing the audit properly.  It was just too big a task to take on.  However, I had visited The Life Audit website for some reason (can't remember why now) and noticed that an app (program for smart phones) was being developed.  So I kept checking back at the page or checking the App Store whenever I did updates to see if it had been released.

Then on the 10 December I noticed it had but with the shocking price of £4.99.  I don't, unless absolutely desperate and it comes highly recommended, pay for apps and even then would only pay 69p at most.  But I'd been waiting for it and it would finally help me do the audit and get something back from having purchased the book and paperwork. It would have a fab way to record all the things, like the daily time log (how easy could technology make recording such stuff, housework planner, storage stock take, etc. I naively felt the app must be good for the author to be willing to charge £4.99.  You'd have to be really proud of it and feel it was more than able to compete with the vast array of free apps, for example, like one of my favourites - My Fitness Pal.

I was naive, some would call me stupid and as stupid is apparently as stupid does I'm afraid I'd have to agree with them. I installed the app and opened it and straight away it looked disappointing.  The book contains some 48 charts covering areas such as time, health, relationships, home, money, work, leisure, citzenship, etc. Here are some screen shot of the The Life Audit app....

This is the screen you get when you select activities.

You can record activities under the categories shown on the left.  At £4.99 I'd want a little flexibility as to how these were labelled.  Also, once you select them the clock starts.  Fantastic.  You just have to remember to stop it when you finish that type of activity and start the next one.  The first activity recorded fine; the next one didn't but there is not a way to manually add the time that was 'lost'.  I tried again and the app failed again so this is not fit for purpose at all.  Not worthy of a free app let alone one that costs, yes, £4.99.

You can also record in the Journal section.  By filling in the ???.  It looks like you have a fair few characters to write your thoughts when you click on it but if you write too much then when you click okay it disappears and you have to start again.  Which ironically is a waste of the time the book is trying to save you!  

You can add notes to all the other sections.  But really people are NOT going to just note down what they have consumed when they can scan the bar codes in My Fitness Pal and have a compete FREE breakdown of the nutrients and calories the food they have eaten contain; giving them instant tracking of their calorie intake.

And when you want to view the journal - this is what you get.   I don't know if they thought they were being fancy or whether they had just got bored by then but really it's blurred!!

I used the app for less than a day and that was with trying to justify that I hadn't wasted my money.  But you know what - I have.  Please don't waste yours.  This is not good enough.  Not good enough at all.  I wouldn't even recommend to the author to give the app away for free.  The app should be driving sales of the book but right now it will drive sales away.  If it were me I would refund everyone's money and pull the app from the store before more damage is done.  Then I would go away and do my research properly.  My Fitness Pal links with other apps and may be there would be room for My Life Audit to link to My Fitness Pal who could cover off the recording of food consumed.  Why reinvent the wheel when someone has already perfected it.  Then I would develop the parts of the Life Audit that can't be found elsewhere.  Once I'd got a product that I was happy with and that worked for me and my friends.  Then I would offer it for free and build up a bit of reputation off before finally, maybe, putting it on for 69p.  

Anyway, hope the review helps because buying the Life Audit app certainly did not help me on the path to me discovering me.

The making of a lady.

Tonight I watched the period drama, the Making Of a Lady. I hadn't intended to watch it and even missed the first few minutes but the beauty of the property used for Polstrey drew me in. I did spend a while trying to find out if it was a National Trust property but despite my own self confessed brilliance at searching the Internet I couldn't find any reference to it. I did, however, find a write up about it which help me understand the earlier, missed, part of the story. So the heroine wants to marry for love but due to her circumstances comes to an arrangement with a Lord to have a marriage of convenience to them both. The scenes between them show a true loving couple and you can see the path their arrangement (aside from the troubles they find themselves in) is heading in and it is a real Cinderella romance.

I, on the other hand, never believed in love or marriage. Poppycock! When I was younger I felt marriage licences should be valid for certain lengths of time 5 years, 10 years; with the option to have a rethink after the licence period was up. That was until I met (this is where I should insert - THE LOVE OF MY LIFE - but anyone following this blog will know the use of those words have dropped off to almost non existence) my OH (that seems to be the way some of the world refer to the people that they are obviously not that attached to. It doesn't sound very attached does it. Does it?) Anyway I digress. It was as if we were reunited. That in a past life we had been cruelly separated (add relevant dramatic music) but now we had found each other and we were destined to be together forever this time. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. How did I not see it? How did I go from not believing in love and marriage to thinking I'd found some lost part of me. And believe I did. For over 12 years. That was until I watched my OH DM (private message for those not on Twitter) some woman to say he loved her and wanted to be with her. From our bed when he thought I was asleep. I still can't get over how sick that was but hey ho. That was the Canadian woman. Turned out it wasn't her, or wasn't just her, I maybe should say.

I'm sure you can go back to the beginning of the blog if you want to take the roller coaster with me. Anyway, it happened apparently because I didn't show that I loved him. But then when I saw the private messages on his dirty account with her who shall not be named he explained to her that soon after marrying me he realised I wasn't the one. SOON AFTER MARRYING ME. Well, it might have been helpful if he had given some indication at some point at least during those years, maybe? There I was, like the cat that got the cream, with my one, my life only he wasn't my life, my one. He wasn't my anything. He loves me now. So he says. And yes we are more honest with each other. Closer some ways except I feel like my heart is locked away for safe keeping since I can't be trusted with it. And I disappoint him every time I say I hope so after he says he loves me. But it doesn't really matter if he doesn't does it. I've already been broken; the irreparable damage has been done. I'm a Gemini so you can't lay all that on me and then expect me to think the fairy tale was ever real. SOON AFTER...echoes in my mind. Pretended to love me for years but didn't so how the hell can be love me now? Yes I hung in there I did what I needed to keep my family together and his drinking is less of a worry for myself, the children and for him. But for me the fairy tale has been forever damaged. It's one thing not to believe in love, marriage and fairy tales but it is quite another to have the fairy tale ripped from you. It was lovely, if heartbreaking, to see the scenes they played out in the Making Of a Lady. At least fairy tales are still alive and kicking in films and tv shows as much as it turned on the water works for me. Someone's got to keep the dreams alive. As for me it's a timely reminder of the need to get swiftly back to me discovering me.

A late blog post

Disappointingly, I didn't get a chance (or should that be make a chance) to cook last week.

I tried to make amends on Monday; at the same time as using up old food from the freezer.  I had brought, by mistake, Tesco's Finest salmon fillets which were smoked.  Disgusting!!  I knew I would need something that would cover up the smell and taste and make them edible so as not to waste the money we had spent on them.

I had found, ages ago, a recipe on my favourite food website BBC good food for smoked salmon kedgeree but the other half had said no way was he going to eat the salmon.  Well I searched the Internet again but couldn't come up with anything better. So I gave it a chance.  I made a point of reading through the comments as they can be so helpful.  There was an issue with the rice not cooking in the time given apparently and someone else had mentioned the use of curry paste instead of powder.  Also I was going to be using cooked salmon fillet rather than proper smoked salmon.  So armed with the two recipes, the comments and bit of courage I set about my task.  I soaked the salmon for a bit in the hope of getting some of the flavour out and then put it in the oven covered in butter and tin foil.  I used the rice idea from the chicken biryani recipe and soaked the rice in warm water first.  Adding the salt to the onions certainly seemed to caramelise them so much quicker (wish I knew the science behind cooking - looking for a good book suggestion if anyone is happy to share).  I guess it draws the water out quicker or something?  Then instead of the tea spoon of curry powder I used a table spoon of biryani curry paste left over from our biryani the other night.   I figured that at least it is a flavour that we know we like. I didn't have any parsley so used the coriander again left over from the biryani.  This gave me confidence that the two flavours would work together.  I ended up cracking one of the eggs when I put it gently into the boiling water so I will remember to leave them out of the fridge longer next time.  I didn't get the timings right as the rice as drying out but not fully cooked so I just kept adding a bit of water from the kettle.  And I was late putting the eggs on to boil and for some reason the salmon just wasn't getting hot enough in the centre.  Anyway, I carried on regardless.  I plated it up and it looked good considering my initial worries (why oh why did I not take a picture!!).

It turned out to be very edible and my other half even said he would have it again including the funny smoked salmon.  So I call that a definite success.  I am even more pleased in that I didn't follow a recipe exactly but had to think for myself a little on this one so a very good step on the road to me discovering me. :-))

Chilli but for a different reason than originally intended...

Tonight's belated post was supposed to be about the new recipe I attempted last week.  I wasn't feeling very well but decided to go ahead and cook chilli-con-carne.  And despite not feeling well it worked out beautifully.  It was so good I ended up making it again two days later.  So this was supposed to be a happy post about my cooking success on the way to me discovering me.

And then tonight happened.  I still don't feel well and maybe that is why my tolerance levels are low.  On the rare occasions when I take a sip from the OH's drink he makes comments about me drinking his precious drink.  I don't even take a thimble full.  Well tonight I came back downstairs to find half my drink gone.  Admittedly I did say I may hand it over later if I couldn't drink it but that was a 'maybe'.  Instead of biting my tongue like I usually do I said something.  Anyway, after I mentioned it I sit down to write my 'happy' post and went to pick up my drink.  It was gone.  He had taken the glass out.  So I went to the kitchen to get it back.  It was empty!  OH says I thought I was empty so I took it out.  Well it wasn't empty says I but it is now.  Well, I tipped the dregs down the sink says the OH.  It wasn't empty then was it!!  He drank it more like.

That's what it will always come down to won't it.  As long as the drink is supplied things might be bearable but only if the drink is available.  So where am I going on this journey to me discovering me?

Struggling again :-(

Things had been really good.  We are getting on better than we ever have but I am still having difficulty coming to terms with everything that went on.  

I found an email exchange between myself and friend going back six years and one month ago in which I say how special my relationship was as my husband was my best friend.  I explained that it was "hard sometimes because when my husband upsets me so I go running to my best friend".  I never understood the words to the Prince song 'If I was your girlfriend' until I met the Love of My Life.

If I was your one and only friend

Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u

Even if that somebody was me? 

Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

In the email I also go on about  how "we both know how lucky we are.  I don't know how we managed to find each other".

Well of course it wasn't true was it.  Not from his point of view.  I wasn't the one - his neo - like he always said I was and I wasn't his best friend.  If I was he would have talked to me years ago but he didn't.  He started talking to her.  Telling her she was the one; the one he loves; the one he wants; his best friend and the one that understands him better than anyone else.  

So we are getting on well, really well, but all this is in my head and I can feel myself pulling back.  I'm not his one and I'm not his best friend and it would be unlikely that I would run to him any more.  So I'm not sure where this journey is going for me discovering me.

Chicken tonight

Well the other night actually. I attempted a new recipe; Chicken Chasseur. A recipe by James Martin.  It was lovely to cook and the sauce was incredible. The mushrooms were out of this world. They really took on the flavour of the sauce. I also made chocolate soufflés but ate too late to cook them off so had something yummy to look forward to later in the week.  

Tonight I cooked pork chops with cider, cream and spinach and served it with mash potato, circle shaped chips and diagonal cut carrot.  I increased the cider to 300 ml and used 200 ml of extra thick double cream as I wanted more sauce than last time. I used Thatchers cider but wished I had used a stronger one.   However, it turned out lovely and gave me lots of practice getting everything to arrive on the plates at the same time.  

So another successful week of cooking towards me discovering me.

MasterChef is me...

Well maybe not MasterChef but so proud of myself. Tonight I did two dishes. That was a real challenge to me when I struggle to get all items to arrive on the plate at the same time without worrying about two courses.

Tonight's dinner was:

Spiced Carrot and Lentil Soup 

followed by 

Oven-Baked Risotto

It turned out lovely and the addition of the yoghurt in the middle of the soup was really good. 

We had a lovely white wine to go with the risotto.

I think we should have had a chocolatey pudding to finish but we had Chocolate Souffles yesterday so couldn't really be naughty and have them again. The Chocolate Souffles are so quick and easy to make and so, so delicious.  So a good start to the week for me discovering me.  :-))

Reality Check

Things had been fantastic.  I was even tempted to blog about it tonight.  I was getting to the point where I was getting too involved for my own good.  Focusing on the day to day was starting to fade to thinking about the future.  I'd stopped worrying so much about the tweets to that woman too.  I had even thought of putting my wedding ring back on!  I never EVER thought I would consider doing that.  That lead on to me thinking the saying is true - Never Say Never.  Nothing stays the same and you never know what you might consider doing once time moves on.  It's been scary getting so involved again because what am I going to do if I don't at least keep something back.  Something that might save me a lot of heart ache if it all goes pear shaped again.  Well tonight I got my reality check.  He was struggling with his computer and I got up to give him a hug but he assumed I was going to offer to help him and he took my head off.  That was all I needed.  Brought back to my senses.  Defences back in place. Back to focusing on me and my journey.

On a more positive note I cooked tea tonight.  I did pork in the cider and cream sauce with mash potatoes, spinach and chunky cut carrots.  I am very pleased with how it came out given that it wasn't planned and I am not great at getting everything to arrive at the plate at the same time.  So that's another success on the road to me discovering me.

Her, Again.

Well I'm still in bed. Hiding. Hiding because the distance will show on my face. Him, tweeting that women in the early hours from our bed has shutdown all my feelings. The tweets may very well be innocent but to me they cut like a knife. How can I be close when I know his thoughts are for her. I can't. Now I'm hiding in the bedroom as I know he will see it in my face and today was supposed to be a nice family day for us all. She will always be in the way in my mind won't she. It's taking me all my strength not to help him pack right now. If he wants to talk to her at that time in the morning he may as well leave and go and be with her. Then he can talk to his heart's content and leave me in peace.

Lord help me today on this road to Me Discovering Me.

Broccoli and Blue Cheese

Today I made soup for the very first time. Broccoli and blue cheese soup to be precise. Found on the Good Food website. http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4886/broccoli-and-blue-cheese-soup

It was lovely.

Another recipe on the road to Me Discovering Me :-)

Because I'm worth it!

Time for a blog post. Things had been good or maybe just the distance between the bad parts had grown. The bad parts usually involving drink. But today I have had enough. I have finally learnt my sense of worth. It was the pathetic hiding of his phone when no doubt telling the love of his life how much he loves her and misses her that really killed it for me. He probably thinks I should be grateful that he is making a rather slow effort to hide it rather than doing it openly when he is lying next to me in bed. But imagine it, if you can, from my point of view. The man who is supposed to be the love of my life looking at the sofa at the side of him whilst he does whatever on his phone and then trying to hide, as if from a parent, what he is doing. Like a knife to the heart. He doesn't have to hide it from me. He just needs to say goodbye. Because whether he says it finally or whether I withdraw into my protective shell the outcome will still be the same but one will be the slow destroying path we have already trodden. But one difference. I have learnt my sense of worth. And if you or him or anyone else personally don't think I'm worthy that's fine. Each are entitled to their opinion. But on this journey I have learnt a lot about myself and I am more than worthy. I offer an enormous amount (not being like typical women) and I will not have my feelings trodden on anymore. I guess it is time to start treating myself with the respect I deserve. Time for that to happen on the work front also. And on that note as I pull into the station on the way to work it's time to start now. Another step on the road to Me Discovering Me.

Are we there* yet? *where ever 'there' might be

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't blogged regularly. Not surprised but still it's disappointing. Given my poor memory the blog at least would act like a diary and given the constant shift in my feelings it would have been helpful to get them down in black and white as it were. It's easier to spot patterns and trends that way. Help me find out what I am really feeling deep down inside and what is just temporary reaction to events, people, behaviours around me. Maybe?

I did start a couple of blog posts in the notes on my pad but didn't finish them. At least through this journey my (exaggerated?) reactions have calmed, if not stopped. I've learned that no matter how upset I am, he is (note the 'he' rather than the 'love of my life'), or any stressful situation is at some point we will be okay with each other again and it is not the end of the world.

The unfinished blog post theme was that this relationship is not sustainable and at one point I was even looking up amicable divorces and flats for him to rent near his new work. This morning I am still thinking that this is not sustainable. He says he loves me but does he? Does he really?

I didn't appreciate him joking with that woman he loves about killing each other's mother in laws. Okay it was a joke. I didn't find it funny. Would you? Honestly I'd like to know. Would you find it funny that someone you love and who is says he loves you talking on Twitter with the women who he thinks is the one for him about killing your mother? Would you? I have asked him in the past not to say things about my mom on Twitter. And he agreed and then this. He says if I didn't look I wouldn't have anything to be upset about. That may as well be but the things are still being said and thought and discussed just because I wouldn't know about it doesn't mean it's not. Does that make any sense? It clearly shows how much he cares about me don't you think?

It's the little things now. Not looking back before he drives off or when I get off the same train before him. And the not so little. We are in so so much debt because of all this and keeping the two places going for 6 months and all the holidays and all the drink. The drink has cut down from what it was 12 months ago but I have explained that we are in real debt and I am having to try and stay out of the red everyday but still everyday he is buying drink. He has to have at least 2 litres of cider per day. Sometimes he has 4 and sometimes he tops it up with beer or a bottle of wine. Is that excessive? It is nothing compared to what he was drinking (a thimble full in comparison) but what is normal in other households. Is that less that what your partner/husband/lover drinks everyday? Even if he drinks the cheap cider and only one per day that is almost £700 a year. Well when you have build up thousands of pounds in debt on lots of credit cards £700 is a lot of money. Well it is to me. He is working now but on a fraction of his original wage and I have paid for all the excess drinking during the 6 and 12 months he was out of work. Even though the agreement was once he had decided to stay with me was that he wouldn't drink if he wasn't working but I guess he didn't care.

We had a bit of a row the other week. He wanted to shred his receipts (paid for with money I had earned) and I offered to do it for him but he got very nasty about doing it himself. Something to hide maybe?

He has been training for weeks on this job and the training has been really dull and pointless so it is great he has managed to keep going. He tells me everyday about his boring pointless day (I then feel guilty as it makes me feel that I am not keeping him in the style to which he is accustomed (I hate my job too if anyone has noticed but I have house, children, bills to pay and drink to supply to him so I have to keep going. Anyway where was I?)). Oh yes boring pointless days. So the credit card bill comes in and there is £19 spent on a workday at the pub. So I ask what that's about. Oh they went out at lunchtime for drinks. On a day he has to drive. Has he learnt nothing? Drinking at work. On a new job. Really? Apparently he treated other people as they had treated him a few times. So it was more than one trip to the pub but never got mentioned when telling me about his day. That sent me a clear message that I am not actually part of his life. That was a big one. He has his virtual world on his clean Twitter account that he says I shouldn't look at and he has his locked away virtual world on his dirty Twitter account which I can't see and now he has real world that he doesn't share either. Living separate lives eh! What is the point? Another example of how he cares about me.

Makes me feel he wants the single life with his ladies on Twitter but with the comfort of 'married' life. And the reason for the blog post today is that every time I wake up he is on his phone. And that just takes me back to when he was telling that woman and others that he loves them and what he wants to do with them.

See this relationship is not sustainable. He might be happy settling for second best but maybe I want more. Maybe I want the fairy tale I thought I had. Maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there waiting for me to wake up.

In other news we started decorating the bedroom. It could have featured on one of those horder TV shows so a lot of stuff was boxed up and taken to storage. He did the DIY and I helped where I was allowed. He is always nasty when doing work like this and finally he admitted he HATES doing DIY. My question is why do it then? Why? What is the point? He gets really nasty with me when I'd rather he just said it's really not my thing can we come up with another solution? I'm wondering if my current feelings are down to the nastiness (made worse by him being tired) and soon it will all be nice and happy again? Anyway, finally the room is done and I have ticked off one of my bucket list. Don't laugh but (and I blame Fred Astaire) I have always wanted a sofa in my bedroom. And now I have. Might only have been a £95 one from Ikea but a sofa none the less :-) See I'm good at wasting money too.

Now I just have to work out how to get the stuff in storage back in without damaging the lovely decluttered space.

I learnt a lot about myself during this time too. I like DIY preparation. Scrapping the paint off the ceiling is certainly more interesting and satisfying than my job and I actually quite enjoyed it. I think I might be able to cope with DIY on my own.

I've been trying to keep up with my cooking. In fact whilst he was DIYing I cooked four days in a row!! And last night I made a delicious risotto so am feeling really pleased with myself. I would certainly eat well even if I was on my own. So that is good to know. So small small steps on the path to me discovering me. x

My week in recipes

Only one recipe this week (from the Good Food website as normal) pork chops with cider, cream & spinach. It had a four star rating and I think the instructions could have been a little clearer as my timings were a bit out. However, it was yummy and has plenty of potential. I will certainly make it again but will consider using a different brand of cider; one with a much stronger flavour. I will also reduce the sauce a bit more. I added creamy mash potato to it and in hindsight I should have done some long sliced carrots. The sauce should work well with chicken as well but with some fresh tarragon added too.

All in all though I am very pleased and THE LOVE OF MY LIFE enjoyed it too. Win win.

Here are some pictures.

What do you think?

What's worse? 

Not knowing what I have done wrong...

or...

no longer needing to know what I have done wrong as it won't make any difference any way?  

After all no matter what I do I'll never do it right as I am not, nor never will I be, her.

I am ME.  Probably not the real me at the moment as if I was I wouldn't be blogging about me discovering me would I?  I don't think I am a bad person.  I don't feel hate or dislike towards anyone any more.  That just takes up too much energy, energy I do not have and it only ends up damaging yourself.  I'm not a vindictive person or one that demands anything from anybody.  I am a good person - cut my heart and you will find goodness of that I am pretty sure.  May be it is because I feel things so intently, I feel other people's pain so badly it can make me cry and my heart burn.  And because I can feel it so vividly, and physically, I am not going to want to cause anyone pain.  I feel I am causing pain right now by just existing and I don't know what to do to stop that pain I seem to be causing.  If I killed my self I would cause pain to other people.  I can't see a way out.   I'm a little bit messed up, muddled even, a bit like a candle in the wind really is the only way to describe me.  I thought I had found that person to cling to, the one who could save me, but it was all just an illusion.  If you have never had something you can't miss it but I guess once you have had something even if it was just an illusion it really knocks you when you find out it is no longer there, no longer real. It makes you doubt so much, so many things.  Makes everything very fluid.  I suppose being a Gemini that should suit me.  When you're fluttering around like a butterfly you don't need everything to be solid and sure, do you?  But I haven't been a butterfly for a very long time.  Was I happier then? I think I am growing up a lot. I know I just said I don't want anything off anyone but may be I do.  Maybe I don't want to be shouted out, or made to feel like the best thing I could do was to stop breathing.  If that is the way you feel about me wouldn't it be kinder just to not be near me?  I'm not going to cling, my time of clinging died 17 or 18 years ago and if it wasn't dead in that time it most certainly is now.  I no longer wear my wedding ring, I no longer feel married.  It jolts me when I get called wife as I can't feel it.  I guess it is only to be expected after everything that happened in the last year and a half.  I thought it was going to be a forever thing, maybe I just grew up and learned that fairy tales aren't real.  But even if the Happy Ever After ending doesn't exist can we at least have a peaceful ending?   Another step I guess to me discovering me.


UPDATE - I did it again didn't I!  I have over reacted again.  Always the end of the world with me! :-( We are fine again today.  It's all so damned confusing.

My week with the Tupler Technique

A very, very belated post.  

One of the areas that I had long wanted to deal with was my tummy. 

I had always been skinny as a child and young adult; so much so that I used to get a lot of stick for being so thin and was often told I needed to eat. I found that rather annoying and distressing since I ate like a pig.  If I went to McDonalds I would always have three big macs.  If I had a kebab after a nightclub I would always have three (my friends would never let me go back for more).  If the caretaker at work went out for sandwiches for lunch I would always have three of the BEST (bacon, egg, sausage and tomato).  And yet I just couldn't put weight on. I guess I was just too busy working two jobs. 

Years later I started a job where I spent the day sitting down and for the first time I put on a bit of weight. I then had two children and put on, probably, about three stone. I didn't mind filling out in my legs as they looked better with more meat on them but it was my stomach that upset me.  I always looked pregnant. 

After the natural birth of my first child I was told by the health worker that I was four finger spaces and that I should not do any exercise for fear of causing more damage to my muscles. No other explanation or help was given. After the Caesarian birth of my second child I was told I should have been sent for physio after the birth of my first but because I'd had a Caesarian birth no help was given.  

Years later I went to the doctors but she didn't know what I had although the student doctor sitting in on the session did. She was rather embarrassed, I think, to admit she knew what the doctor didn't but it didn't help me get the support I needed and should have had.  

Then I started searching google and quickly worked out I had diastasis recti and from what I could gather an operation was the only way to fix it. At the same time I came across a technique that seemed to help but I was skeptical. Why were people (and insurance companies in the USA) opting for operations if it could be fixed by exercise?  So I parked it. I then had some difficulties last year (as those that follow the blog will know).  I managed to lose almost a stone (I've put it back on since feeling happier) but my stomach still looked pregnant.  I'd lose the weight from the boobs and legs and nothing would make my stomach look smaller. 

So back to the Internet I went and started searching the Tupler Technique again.  And to Amazon and the reviews of the book.  With mainly good results and a couple not so positive.  From these reviews it seemed there was a chance this technique could solve my problem. It was also endorsed by a model.  I don't take any notice of endorsement usually but I felt this endorsement was true as it didn't seem the type of thing that a model would seek out to promote unless they felt they had personally benefited. 

So I gave it a try. As I am in the UK I placed my order via the tummy tribe website which are the licensed dealers of the Tupler Technique in the UK. Their story is also interesting in that one of them had used the technique themselves and the sister was so impressed with the result that she ended up training with Julie Tupler. That in itself is a pretty good endorsement. 

My order arrived. A splint, a DVD and the record book. I wore the splint for the weekend to get used to it and without doing the exercises as the record book starts on a Monday so I figured I'd wait till then. 

The record book uses some technical jargon and I wonder if the people that don't get on so well with the technique don't because the instructions and information could be a bit clearer. 

I went through some of the exercises in the DVD to practice and understand what I needed to do. 

There are a number of improvements that I would recommend if Julie Tupler (the developer of the technique) was reading this blog but I'll come on to that later. 

Well, Julie, in her DVD, makes it very clear that it can take a year to fix but that some people have reported good results after three weeks. 

Well I did the measurements for week one and started to do the exercises. I am not sure I got the exercises totally right but it was good to be doing something three times a day in the hope of tackling something that has caused me distress for TEN years.  Before you start you have to work out how bad the diastasis recti is.  When I tried to work out what the distance was I thought it was 8 finger spaces as I couldn't feel muscle. When the LOVE OF MY LIFE tried to help me measure he thought it was 2 finger spaces but I think that was when my head was too far off the ground.   I do know that I was 4 finger spaces 10 years ago and given that I have been doing all the things you shouldn't with diastasis I can only assume it is worse that 4 now. 

Anyway, I don't know about one year or the results after three weeks - I got visible, obvious, in your face, results after FOUR DAYS!!! Truly shocking and unbelievable. I'd resigned myself to it taking over a year. I don't think it is just wishful thinking as the children have comment on how different my stomach looks.  I know you are not supposed to measure until 3 weeks but I had to as there was such a visible difference I just had to measure.  My waist has gone down by 1.5 inches. I can now look down without seeing my tummy. The difference that it has made to how I feel about myself is too incredible to describe. I am looking forward to seeing what happens in the long term.

As for the improvements I mentioned earlier, the first thing I would suggest to Julie if I could talk to her directly is that there needs to be an app developed. The Tupler technique is perfect for an app for iPhone, iPad, and android set up. 

• The DVD of exercises would be perfect on the iPhone as you would always have the exercises with you so you can work on your technique.  This I feel is really important. 
• The record book could be part of the app so that you can record when you have done the exercises. 
• You could also have reminders as part of the app to prompt you when you haven't recorded your exercises. 
• You could have some sort of forum for getting moral support from others using the technique.
• And a place to purchase another splint or other items to support you.  
• The splints should be provided in packs of two as with having to wear it all the time day and night you do need a wash and wear. 

All in all I am amazed with the results and am looking forward to a positive future. It also great feeling in control of my recovery on the road to me discovering me. 

PS I am late updating the blog as I have been away on holiday to Spain.  I was not disciplined enough to do the exercises and didn't want to wear the splint over my bathing costume for the week I was away.  I wore the splint intermittently and always at bed time.  However, despite not keeping up with the program I am still one inch smaller than I was so the cost to me has only been half an inch. I am going to start the programme from scratch again on Monday so I am hoping to get back on track and see continuous improvements as the weeks go on.  It looks like the tupler technique website has been updated so have a look at some of the before and after pictures.

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My week in recipes...

One of the areas that I wanted to start working on was getting my cooking confidence back and becoming competent in the kitchen.

BBC Good Food is the, absolute, best place to start; with lots of recipes which work as the ratings and comments testify.  And start I did; with chicken biryani (a very quick but tasty version not that the purists would agree). 

I was a bit apprehensive as there were lots of helpful comments from people that had tried the recipe and I wasn't sure whether I should adapt the recipe as per their suggestions or stick to it exactly. 

I decided to stick exactly to the recipe and hope for the best.  It worked brilliantly. I was so pleased with it.  It tasted really good and even the LOVE OF MY LIFE seemed impressed.  I felt on top of the world.

The next day on a whim I decided to bake a sponge cake. It stated that it would only take 30 minutes. That sounded very doable.   

I was slightly distracted when it came to adding the eggs; which are supposed to be beaten into the mixture slowly one at a time rather than being chucked in all together and stirred. Disaster!!  What could I do to rescue it?  I didn't have a mixer and the only thing I could think of was to put it in the blender.  That kind of worked apart from the mixture being too thick and it causing the motor to strain. So out it came again.  I had contemplated throwing it away but figured I may as well carry on and what will be will be.  I mixed in the flour and it seemed okay so I filled up the tins and popped them in the oven. They still looked okay when I took them out 20 minutes later.   I left them to cool, whipped the cream, spread the jam and put them together. Voilà!  So pleased with myself :-)) It was completely gone within least that 24 hours.  (I bet I put on more than 2lbs this week!)

Thursday night and I was cooking again.  This time chicken stuffed with herby mascarpone.  I am not so confident with dishes that involve a number of items that need to come together at the same time.  I also worry about making sure the meat is cooked properly and so tend to leave it longer in the oven than I should.  It showed though, unfortunately, whilst it was nice it was little bit dry.  Next time I shall have to try not to leave it in so long. To make the potatoes more interesting than just boiled spuds I did Parmesan roasted potatoes. Whilst they were okay I don't think the coating added that much too them. Maybe the chicken overpowered the taste.  Anyway, this was my week in recipes on my journey to Me Discovering Me.  

My week in numbers...

I guess the lack of posts from myself indicates that things have been better of late; smoother.  Not perfect and not without ups and downs but the ups and downs are more ripples than roller coaster.  I am not sure what is going to happen in the future; does anyone?  Obviously, not from what I have seen so far.  We are just taking each day, one at a time.  That's all I think you can do with relationships in this day and age.  I am however looking to the future in other ways.  It finally dawned on me that I need to start getting some exercise. I don't (or should that be didn't) do exercise.  At school I would prefer to pick up litter than go through with a sports lesson at school.  So taking any exercise is a big achievement for me, however, here is my week in numbers:

+ day 1 - swimming breaststroke 1650 m
+ day 2 - rowing 3479 m
+ day 3 - rowing 3444 m
+ day 4 - rowing 3423 m
+ day 5 - rowing 3324 m
              - stepper 450 steps 
+ day 6 - rowing 3195 m
+ day 7 - rest day

Finally making some progress on Me Discovering Me. :-)

(I still managed to put on 2lb though!)

Seconds...

I worked my socks off over the past month so I could enjoy the Easter holidays. But no I am on the sofa trying and failing to get some sleep. What did I do this time? Well the Love Of My Life was not happy, or should I say was rather angry, with something that happened in the house this evening and I, like a fool, played Devil's advocate. That ended with a 'right, that's all good then' or some such thing and I didn't get spoken to again. So I figured I may as well sleep on the sofa. Only I can't sleep can I.  I'm not crying or anything. Maybe I'm too tired or I've got to the point where no matter what I'm never going to be good enough; or say or do the right things. Always, always the second class citizen in all the walks of my life. And that's not self pity there, that's just simply, unemotionally, stating a fact.

First visit in a while

First visit since 2 March I believe. That is a record.  And I don't think I even have the energy to give you a glimpse of what happened tonight.  But I need to tell someone.   Do you know what I mean? That horrible pain in your heart like you need to scream until nothing is left, nothing more can come out.  Actually I hope you don't understand.  I hope you never feel like that.  I don't understand what happened tonight, if I honest. Lots of banging doors though. And not by me. To find out what was going on I had a look to see if he had tweeted anything. Oh yes. 'Fcuk my Life' only spelt correctly.  So the banging doors weren't because the window was open as I had been told. Got him an exchange culminating in a virtual kiss from him and hug from her. Never going to go away is it.  If his life is so shit here then why doesn't he just go where he is going to be happy? Life is too short and I'm never going to be 'the one' like I apparently was in the beginning. I know I am tired. It's been an eleven hour day today as I need to meet some impossible deadlines by end of financial year and I didn't really sleep last night. That is probably why I just feel like shutting down and saying goodbye. I'm tired, no shattered. Goodnight x

What the hell did I do?

It's been a bit mad in the house with kids staying over and I was having to sit in the living room whilst the children sneak down for 'midnight' snacks.  And then I get told that I need to put a favourite film on to calm me down before I drive him nuts.  I'm not sure what I did.  I don't know what I could have done to avoid it.  But I have really pissed him off yet again. I said to him I don't understand what happened and he said he was just trying to help me as I needed to calm down.  I was only sitting at the computer??  Yes, I was waiting to be able to leave the room as I wanted to use the bathroom but I didn't realise that I wasn't calm.  He said I needed help and he was just trying to help. But I am a person not just something that he thinks needs help.  I was just waiting for the children to go to bed so I could relax and enjoy the evening.  I've not had tea yet and had only just realised it was 9:30 and may be I was giving off funny vibes because I am useless when I have not eaten but I don't understand what I have done.  I wasn't ranting or raving.  The room was a mess and I was waiting to clear it up once I knew the children weren't coming back down to trash it.  What did I do?  Don't want to be crying again.  What did I do?

Back already :-(

Things have not been the same since Sunday. I ended up texting how I felt as I was so upset I was not able to talk about it. He had made an effort earlier with a hug here and there and I felt I had to communicate how I was feeling in some way as otherwise I'm not sure where we would have ended up. I was very truthful in my text. Maybe too truthful. Nothing was said about my text and we haven't really been the same since. We've just had another upset. I said about needing to make cakes for DD2 who has allergies as they are having cakes at school today. I didn't nag as he hates nagging. Well she had to go off to school with rice cakes instead. So I suggested that I send him hi future self (iPhone app) message so he can get a reminder and then I don't have to be made out to be a nag. What is it with men. They say they'll do something. You can see they aren't which then makes you nag otherwise it gets forgotten. If thu don't want to do it then why don't they just say - not going to happen sort it out yourself. Why???

I've just asked him to get the messages saved into the hi future self app and pissed him off. I'll do it he says. He said that last time. I hate being made to look like a nag. The only option I have is to just do it myself as he doesn't have the time or inclination. Be a different story if it was to remember a rugby match. Feel so bad today. Crying when I should be working. Really need to sort my time management out on this journey to me discovering me.

Not even a week gone by and I'm back again :-(

I don't know where to start.  Apart from crying.  Bath time - that's what started it.  Or is it just that my thoughts and feelings do not count for anything, ANYTHING!  It all started with them wetting the bathroom.  Which causes trouble with mom.  I can understand her point of view.  Wooden boards, soak by tubs and tubs of water, just don't last even if you ignore the mould.  I am the only one working and am up to my eyes in debt trying to keep this family together.  If I have to get the boards replaced it will mean the whole bathroom being removed and refitted as the boards used are large and fit under the bath, sink, toilet, shower.  So I said no please please stop. He went mad shouting that they can't have fun in this house.  I didn't mean to spoil the fun and if we had a wet room I doubt I would have said anything as it would be easy to dry and fix.  But we don't.  And silly play like that always ends up with someone getting hurt and one of the children crying.  He was so angry.  It made me wonder how much he had drunk.  Only four cans but silly play often happened when he had a drink which is probably how someone always got hurt cause things get out of hand.  To top that he was downright nasty and sarcastic to our seven year old.  And for once in my life I said that's not acceptable to talk to her like that.  She was simply trying to explain the soap had got back on her after she had got clean. She didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.  Nasty sarcastic comments.  I lived with a stepfather for years and it just brought it all back.  I might not have been able to stand up to a nasty bullying male like that when I was a child but I am damn sure I am not going to allow it to happen to my daughter.  No way.  I guess I should look on the bright side - on more step on the way to me discovering me.

What can I do to make myself feel better?

I've caused another upset or at least that's the way it feels. All I did was say that I wanted the LOVE IF MY LIFE to take the Christmas presents around to his parents house. I put a lot of effort into the presents. The order for one went wrong and it took a lot of effort to get it put right. We have had then a while now probably a month and there is always some reason why we can't take them around. Well it had to be today otherwise I know it wouldn't be for another week and like the children said by then they'd be better as Easter Presents. So I kept my ground and insisted it had to be today. He was not at all happy. Not. at. All! He came back and not a word. I had to ask if they liked them. He asked me later if I was alright. No, not really says I. Why do I feel bad for trying to do something good. I don't like going around say he. Words were had and a bad look too. Down I went straight into the spiral. I can't lift my mood and I can't eat my food. That is unheard of with me. It's been a rocky day anyway with words with mom this morning too. I've just managed to irritate him again as he has just asked what is wrong and I said the bad look you gave me in th kitchen. I've got over it now why are you dragging it on says he? Because, I say by this time crying, why do you have to make me feel bad when I'm trying to do good? He just walked off. Which is exactly what I want to do now. The quicker I can get to bed without causing another upset the better. In the words (or not) of Garbo. I want to be alone.

I'm such a disappointment to him :-((

I've done it again. I DM'd (Direct messaged for those that don't use Twitter) to ask for my lift from the station. He didn't show up. I kept walking at it was around the children's bedtime so he was probably busy and the exercise can only be good. And then I looked didn't I! His normal Twitter account had been protected (locked so only followers can see what is being Tweeted) this had me wondering about a conversation with mom the day before when we talked about my lack of observation skills and how sometimes she couldn't believe what I wasn't seeing right beneath my nose. I'd mentioned this to the LOVE OF MY LIFE and then felt rather paranoid that he was locking down his account as if there was something to hide. Then I looked at mentions on his 'dirty' account as I can't see that one as it has always been locked but you can see one sided conversations with those that they talk to that haven't locked their accounts and it was obvious that he was in a brief conversation with at least one person. So he is on Twitter but isn't responding to my DM. Then the thoughts started, flash back to the past, was he ignoring me, had I upset him, had he had a drink and couldn't risk driving. My mood dropped and I just couldn't lift it. I had to walk past the flat we had moved in to beginning of last year and that threw up a whole load of other disturbing memories. Like the night he was drunk and blatantly lying to me and I remember screaming at him, 'Oh my God, what kind of person are you!!!'. By the time I got home I had withdrawn into my protective shell. He knew the second I walked in the door. I couldn't hide it but also I couldn't talk about it. I was friendly but distant. We had a beautiful tea and I cleaned up the kitchen and went and stood outside. He used to do that alot before the upset and I wanted to feel what he felt. He caught me outside and wanted to know what was going on. So I told him. Disappointment spread across his face again and I had ruined Valentine's evening which we had both being looking forward to. I feel I have done serious damage this time. It disappoints him that I have never trusted him and he doubts I ever will. He can't see it from my point of view that knowing he told that woman that he knew soon into our marriage that I wasn't the one and that she was the most perfect woman for him and what he dreamt about doing with her and that last year he spent all Valentine's Day talking and texting her despite the fact we were meeting in London to see a show. When we got back to the hotel room he was sitting up in bed tweeting to her and I lay there irritating him because I was sobbing to myself and spoiling what was supposed to be a nice evening. How am I going to get over everything because it is the past I disappoint him everytime I bring it up. And every disappointment is like another coffin nail in our relationship. It hurts him that I don't stick to the present and give credit for good behaviour as it were. There is a definately a distance between us today. I feel thoroughly miserable.

Jumping To Conclusions

I did it again, didn't I!  Jumping to conclusions.  Making mountains out of molehills.  Adding two and two and getting 26!  Woke up this morning to the question, 'are you okay with me?'.  No says I.  I am really trying with the honesty stuff - good job really.  I said what did you drink yesterday?  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  I ask the question again.  'What did you drink yesterday?'.  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Silence. We had risotto yesterday didn't we which needs wine says I.  Then it came out - he had had a little bit of wine but most of it had gone in the risotto.  He told me yet again that he had worked out what he could have so he would be okay to drive as he never, ever wanted to go through that again.  So it would seem I had done it again.  Jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I came downstairs this morning to see a pint of cider on the side that he hadn't finished before he fell asleep so he was okay to drive as that must have been at least 2 units.  I also told him how I felt when he drank hoping he'd fall asleep on the sofa so I could escape.  Horrible to say it but best that I am truthful.  Just need to stop all this jumping to conclusions on my journey to me discovering me!

Well I'm here again which can only mean one thing :-(

Well what a day.  It started badly when I got up and realised how devastingly unhappy my mom was.  What had we done this time?  I ran through the list - children up to early, not shutting the kitchen door etc, etc.  She wouldn't tell me as apparently whatever she says we seem to do it more.   That had me thinking.  Mom can't spend the rest of her life being this unhappy and I need to do something about it.  I figured if I could just stop the drafts from the kitchen door and ask the LOVE OF MY LIFE if he would try to remember to shut it after him then it would be one small step to reducing some of the stress.  So we got one of those brush draft excluder things and fitted it to the door.  When mom came back she was not happy at all.  What I didn't know was that she had brought one months ago and had already cut it to size.  I say I didn't know but apparently she had told me but I just don't remember.  Well if you have stuck with this rather negative blog you'll already know I have the memory of a goldfish.  I tried to explain that I had not done it to hurt her or upset her just to try and make things better.  She got very angry saying it's not the drafts it's the fact that a certain person doesn't shut the door. This lead on to a big row about how now we've moved back in I am making changes to the house as if I own it.  Well I do own part of it.  Mom owns her part outright and I own it via  mortgage. It just made me feel really bad as I've never had a home of my own and the only reason I put the draft thing on was to try and make things better for mom.  This got me to thinking that mom is miserable and unhappy because I am happy.  How do you live with that?  Mom doesn't like the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  Even my youngest when about 4 years old said to me one day, 'why does granny hate daddy?'.  I don't know was all I could answer you'll have to ask her.  This was years before all the trouble we have had over the past 12-13 months.  Mom would have been much happier if we had split up and he was gone for good.  But I'd been fairly happy lately and he did seem to have been trying very hard with not drinking so much.  I know the agreement was that he wasn't to drink until he had a job but promises like that are never kept.  He likes his drink.  He really likes his drink.  To keep the cost down he has been drinking cheap bottles of cider but only buying one a day so he can only drink one a day and he has also managed two weeks where he has had drink free days.  He has made massive progress.  More than I ever dreamt possible.  I feel horrible for feeling the way I do.  Last night he had two bottles of cider - 17 units plus shared a bottle of red wine.  He had brought 3 bottles so it was good that he only drank 2 of them.  Still that amount made me nervous but I tried not to let it cause an upset.  He was being very nice and loving but he can also be rather forceful and bullying for want of a better word as he wants you to share his opinions and the like.  Well today, he went to the shop and ended up buying another bottle of cider so obviously he intended to drink two tonight.  We had discussed his drinking and how it made me feel and he said well I could have lied to you about the cider but I didn't.  Which is great because the lying will kill me everything time and you have to give up at some point if people keep lying to you.  He seems a lot more drunk than two bottles of cider.  He asked me if I was okay about 5 times in a row.  He is now passed out (sorry fast asleep) on the sofa and I have come up to bed glad for the escape.  How bad is that!  Never would I ever say that about him sober.  I can't get enough of him sober - that's the killer I guess.  Anyway, it kept bugging me that he must have had more than 2 bottles and then it dawned on me.  He cooked risotto tonight and what does risotto need? - it needs white wine.  Have I seen a bottle of white wine around?  Any mention of white wine when discussing what he had had to drink tonight?  What about when we discussed if he was going to be safe to drive tomorrow?  He has not had 17 units he has had closer to 26 units.  Will he be okay to drive tomorrow, despite all his promises, not according to the NHS website.  NHS states it takes one hour for one unit of alcohol to leave the blood stream.  So is he okay to drive at 9:20 am tomorrow?  He says he is.  So now I get to have a sleepless night of oh I've been lied to (or should I say mislead - as he didn't say he hadn't had wine and he will pick me up on that) followed by wondering how I am going to convince him that I am driving tomorrow.  He says he never wants to go through that again but sounds like just words to me.  People always say actions speak louder than words.   He has told me he loves me so many times today but how has he shown me?  This is a reminder that I still need to keep on with me discovering me.