Well I'm here again which can only mean one thing :-(

Well what a day.  It started badly when I got up and realised how devastingly unhappy my mom was.  What had we done this time?  I ran through the list - children up to early, not shutting the kitchen door etc, etc.  She wouldn't tell me as apparently whatever she says we seem to do it more.   That had me thinking.  Mom can't spend the rest of her life being this unhappy and I need to do something about it.  I figured if I could just stop the drafts from the kitchen door and ask the LOVE OF MY LIFE if he would try to remember to shut it after him then it would be one small step to reducing some of the stress.  So we got one of those brush draft excluder things and fitted it to the door.  When mom came back she was not happy at all.  What I didn't know was that she had brought one months ago and had already cut it to size.  I say I didn't know but apparently she had told me but I just don't remember.  Well if you have stuck with this rather negative blog you'll already know I have the memory of a goldfish.  I tried to explain that I had not done it to hurt her or upset her just to try and make things better.  She got very angry saying it's not the drafts it's the fact that a certain person doesn't shut the door. This lead on to a big row about how now we've moved back in I am making changes to the house as if I own it.  Well I do own part of it.  Mom owns her part outright and I own it via  mortgage. It just made me feel really bad as I've never had a home of my own and the only reason I put the draft thing on was to try and make things better for mom.  This got me to thinking that mom is miserable and unhappy because I am happy.  How do you live with that?  Mom doesn't like the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  Even my youngest when about 4 years old said to me one day, 'why does granny hate daddy?'.  I don't know was all I could answer you'll have to ask her.  This was years before all the trouble we have had over the past 12-13 months.  Mom would have been much happier if we had split up and he was gone for good.  But I'd been fairly happy lately and he did seem to have been trying very hard with not drinking so much.  I know the agreement was that he wasn't to drink until he had a job but promises like that are never kept.  He likes his drink.  He really likes his drink.  To keep the cost down he has been drinking cheap bottles of cider but only buying one a day so he can only drink one a day and he has also managed two weeks where he has had drink free days.  He has made massive progress.  More than I ever dreamt possible.  I feel horrible for feeling the way I do.  Last night he had two bottles of cider - 17 units plus shared a bottle of red wine.  He had brought 3 bottles so it was good that he only drank 2 of them.  Still that amount made me nervous but I tried not to let it cause an upset.  He was being very nice and loving but he can also be rather forceful and bullying for want of a better word as he wants you to share his opinions and the like.  Well today, he went to the shop and ended up buying another bottle of cider so obviously he intended to drink two tonight.  We had discussed his drinking and how it made me feel and he said well I could have lied to you about the cider but I didn't.  Which is great because the lying will kill me everything time and you have to give up at some point if people keep lying to you.  He seems a lot more drunk than two bottles of cider.  He asked me if I was okay about 5 times in a row.  He is now passed out (sorry fast asleep) on the sofa and I have come up to bed glad for the escape.  How bad is that!  Never would I ever say that about him sober.  I can't get enough of him sober - that's the killer I guess.  Anyway, it kept bugging me that he must have had more than 2 bottles and then it dawned on me.  He cooked risotto tonight and what does risotto need? - it needs white wine.  Have I seen a bottle of white wine around?  Any mention of white wine when discussing what he had had to drink tonight?  What about when we discussed if he was going to be safe to drive tomorrow?  He has not had 17 units he has had closer to 26 units.  Will he be okay to drive tomorrow, despite all his promises, not according to the NHS website.  NHS states it takes one hour for one unit of alcohol to leave the blood stream.  So is he okay to drive at 9:20 am tomorrow?  He says he is.  So now I get to have a sleepless night of oh I've been lied to (or should I say mislead - as he didn't say he hadn't had wine and he will pick me up on that) followed by wondering how I am going to convince him that I am driving tomorrow.  He says he never wants to go through that again but sounds like just words to me.  People always say actions speak louder than words.   He has told me he loves me so many times today but how has he shown me?  This is a reminder that I still need to keep on with me discovering me.