I've done it again. I DM'd (Direct messaged for those that don't use Twitter) to ask for my lift from the station. He didn't show up. I kept walking at it was around the children's bedtime so he was probably busy and the exercise can only be good. And then I looked didn't I! His normal Twitter account had been protected (locked so only followers can see what is being Tweeted) this had me wondering about a conversation with mom the day before when we talked about my lack of observation skills and how sometimes she couldn't believe what I wasn't seeing right beneath my nose. I'd mentioned this to the LOVE OF MY LIFE and then felt rather paranoid that he was locking down his account as if there was something to hide. Then I looked at mentions on his 'dirty' account as I can't see that one as it has always been locked but you can see one sided conversations with those that they talk to that haven't locked their accounts and it was obvious that he was in a brief conversation with at least one person. So he is on Twitter but isn't responding to my DM. Then the thoughts started, flash back to the past, was he ignoring me, had I upset him, had he had a drink and couldn't risk driving. My mood dropped and I just couldn't lift it. I had to walk past the flat we had moved in to beginning of last year and that threw up a whole load of other disturbing memories. Like the night he was drunk and blatantly lying to me and I remember screaming at him, 'Oh my God, what kind of person are you!!!'. By the time I got home I had withdrawn into my protective shell. He knew the second I walked in the door. I couldn't hide it but also I couldn't talk about it. I was friendly but distant. We had a beautiful tea and I cleaned up the kitchen and went and stood outside. He used to do that alot before the upset and I wanted to feel what he felt. He caught me outside and wanted to know what was going on. So I told him. Disappointment spread across his face again and I had ruined Valentine's evening which we had both being looking forward to. I feel I have done serious damage this time. It disappoints him that I have never trusted him and he doubts I ever will. He can't see it from my point of view that knowing he told that woman that he knew soon into our marriage that I wasn't the one and that she was the most perfect woman for him and what he dreamt about doing with her and that last year he spent all Valentine's Day talking and texting her despite the fact we were meeting in London to see a show. When we got back to the hotel room he was sitting up in bed tweeting to her and I lay there irritating him because I was sobbing to myself and spoiling what was supposed to be a nice evening. How am I going to get over everything because it is the past I disappoint him everytime I bring it up. And every disappointment is like another coffin nail in our relationship. It hurts him that I don't stick to the present and give credit for good behaviour as it were. There is a definately a distance between us today. I feel thoroughly miserable.
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