What do you think?

What's worse? 

Not knowing what I have done wrong...

or...

no longer needing to know what I have done wrong as it won't make any difference any way?  

After all no matter what I do I'll never do it right as I am not, nor never will I be, her.

I am ME.  Probably not the real me at the moment as if I was I wouldn't be blogging about me discovering me would I?  I don't think I am a bad person.  I don't feel hate or dislike towards anyone any more.  That just takes up too much energy, energy I do not have and it only ends up damaging yourself.  I'm not a vindictive person or one that demands anything from anybody.  I am a good person - cut my heart and you will find goodness of that I am pretty sure.  May be it is because I feel things so intently, I feel other people's pain so badly it can make me cry and my heart burn.  And because I can feel it so vividly, and physically, I am not going to want to cause anyone pain.  I feel I am causing pain right now by just existing and I don't know what to do to stop that pain I seem to be causing.  If I killed my self I would cause pain to other people.  I can't see a way out.   I'm a little bit messed up, muddled even, a bit like a candle in the wind really is the only way to describe me.  I thought I had found that person to cling to, the one who could save me, but it was all just an illusion.  If you have never had something you can't miss it but I guess once you have had something even if it was just an illusion it really knocks you when you find out it is no longer there, no longer real. It makes you doubt so much, so many things.  Makes everything very fluid.  I suppose being a Gemini that should suit me.  When you're fluttering around like a butterfly you don't need everything to be solid and sure, do you?  But I haven't been a butterfly for a very long time.  Was I happier then? I think I am growing up a lot. I know I just said I don't want anything off anyone but may be I do.  Maybe I don't want to be shouted out, or made to feel like the best thing I could do was to stop breathing.  If that is the way you feel about me wouldn't it be kinder just to not be near me?  I'm not going to cling, my time of clinging died 17 or 18 years ago and if it wasn't dead in that time it most certainly is now.  I no longer wear my wedding ring, I no longer feel married.  It jolts me when I get called wife as I can't feel it.  I guess it is only to be expected after everything that happened in the last year and a half.  I thought it was going to be a forever thing, maybe I just grew up and learned that fairy tales aren't real.  But even if the Happy Ever After ending doesn't exist can we at least have a peaceful ending?   Another step I guess to me discovering me.


UPDATE - I did it again didn't I!  I have over reacted again.  Always the end of the world with me! :-( We are fine again today.  It's all so damned confusing.