And it burns, burns, burns...

'cause I've just realised I'm Vivian not June :-((

Update

Well I failed to keep up to date with my blog posts. My excuses? Not been feeling well and spending time worrying about the interview. Well the interview is now over but I still don't feel well. Sore throat and very strange pain on the right side of my head. Also, the LOVE OF MY LIFE has not been feeling well either and when that happens he stops talking altogether. I am trying not to let this affect me but I can feel the distance growing :-(

All I can feel is that I am not wanted even though he says he is happy to be here. I'm just tired right? Just tired and poorly right? Just need to put my energy into relaxing, getting some rest and clearing this pain in my head; and maybe then the pain in my heart will lift and I can get back to Me Discovering Me?

Today was a good day...well until they put Eurovision on.

Had a good day today.  It was about to go downhill at one point, due in part, I guess, to me not feeling too well and not driving to the standard to satisfy the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  But he stopped it spiralling out of control by holding my hand and we threw ourself into the task at hand; getting me a suit for my interview!!  Those that have visited here before may have read that I was going to try for a new job.  Well, I have an interview!!! We didn't get a complete outfit but managed to get a suit and some beautiful new shoes.  As we were hunting for a new blouse to go with my new suit I spotted a pair of crazy trousers (that look like a long skirt) on a mannequin in a shop window.  I told the LOVE OF MY LIFE and he said to go and try them on.  Well, normally I'd have said no and carried on walking.  But this time I agreed.  They were the kind of things I would have brought years ago when I was slim.  Anyway, I tried on a size 10 (I'm down from a size 16 to a size 12 since the beginning of the year) and they looked good but a little too long even with my new shoes on.  So I asked the LOVE OF MY LIFE to get a size 8 and I could get into them!  I can't tell you how good that felt even if they did have an elasticated waist.  I used to be a size 8 and I miss that :-( but it looks like it might be possible to start feeling a bit better about myself which will hopefully help bring my twinkle back.  There was a little bit of twinkle today with the kindness and time that the LOVE OF MY LIFE  has given/shown me today.  Giving up his weekend to go shopping, wait around changing rooms, give advise, go through the tills and carry it all.  Shame he is spoiling it all making me watch Eurovision.  (only joking...sort of)

Belated Post Written Last Night - Calming Down and Growing Up

I tried to hide myself away when I got home as I was upset at the lack of contact today.  That upset the LOVE OF MY LIFE and he tried to find out what was wrong (the effort he put into trying to find out what was wrong was above and beyond anything in the past - which I took to mean he was actually concerned at the change from okay in the morning to not okay on the night).  I didn't know how to tell him, or even if I should, as why should I be expecting texts from him when I know he doesn't want me. So I tried to explain, probably rather badly, and he just couldn't see my point. Then I could see Mr Hyde appearing.  So I read some blogs and let out some of my frustrations in comments and then decided life is too short and I am not prepared to be miserable any longer.  So I tried to talk to the LOVE OF MY LIFE but he was dealing with the children.  Later I went up to give him a hug to try and stop it spiralling and he just said 'What!' in that tone that he has when you know you've really pissed him off so I just walked away. That kind of said it all to me. Proved to me that I was right. I thought about it for a bit but was getting upset because at the end of the day if we have live here together for the children I can't have Mr Hyde around otherwise I will have to leave.  So I tried again to talk to him.  Finally, he explained how it made him feel hurt to be blanked by me when I got home.  I tried to explain that wasn't my intention and that I was trying to hide away as I felt hurt.  I explained, as I did, last night that the one text day that I had been getting from him over the past few days had meant an awful lot to me because it showed that he had thought of me.  I explained that when I didn't hear from him today after explaining last night that I had appreciated how considerate he had been, I thought it was because he had realised that he was giving me the wrong message and had stopped.  Apparently that was not the case.  He said that this is how we got into this mess in the first place because we didn't talk to each other.  I said that I did appreciate that he tried very hard to find out what was wrong. Oh, this is coming out all garbled. Well to cut the story short. The LOVE OF MY LIFE says that I just need to come home and say - I am upset because..... and just say it. Which I realised is probably the adult thing to do and that I have been acting like a child.  (I've never been very adult no matter how old I get).  So the lessons then:

• Just because I don't get a text (and his Twitter women get lots of messages from him) doesn't mean he is not okay with me.  
• I need to say exactly what is wrong, that I am upset and why?
• I need to remember not to shut off as that just prolongs the agony.

So hopefully, despite being upset today, I may have taken a small step to Me Discovering Me?

Geek and Jock

I always like to take a look at the timelines of people who follow me on the @MeDiscoveringMe Twitter account.  Today's new follower was @GeekandJock Now I tend to get wary when people have links in almost every tweet.  Bit silly really considering that with this blogging lark I bet most of my tweets look like that too.  You have to remember I am behind the times as, from what I can gather, blogging is a bit old hat now.  I do have a tendency to jump on the bandwagon at bit late at times.  Anyway, the following tweet caught my eye:

GeekandJock What If He/She Says It's All OK and It's Not? http://goo.gl/fb/L9Jjs #healthyrelationship #healthyrelationships

Well, anyone who has read this blog will know that fits my situation like a glove so I had a quick look.  And then I got to the part where it said, 'you'll end up with just a roommate;'  Well this is almost what the LOVE OF MY LIFE was saying a few weeks ago, about living together as 'friends' rather than husband and wife.  I haven't had a much time today as I wanted other wise I would have spent a lot more time on the website.  I have done this quick blog so I can remember to come back to it and invest some time to see what help it can give me in sorting out the mess that is my life.  And see if that can help Me Discovering Me.

So thank you @GeekandJock (PS how do I follow your blog using Blogger?)

A lesson learnt

Rollercoasters, I hate them. The LOVE OF MY LIFE loves them except the emotional rollercoasters I seem to constantly take since being told I'm no longer wanted and haven't been wanted for years. I'd feel quite angry when he complained about the crying and the emotional rollercoaster ride, after all, in my mind, he helped create it. But I learnt a valuable lesson this weekend. I now understand very clearly why the LOVE OF MY LIFE doesn't like riding someone's rollercoaster. It's very upsetting, confusing and scary :'-(

The LOVE OF MY LIFE was so kind, caring and, dare I say, loving this week/weekend. And I can't believe it was pretend as there is no point at all pretending now. And I did remember to keep myself in check and not take it too much to heart. Then, aside from the drink, something happened to send him into the depths of despair. I have talked to him this morning (well I tried probably too much) and he is adamant that it is nothing I have done to trigger it and that it is down to him. Personally, I feel the trigger has got to come from somewhere so I am guessing one of his Twitter women have said something that has knocked him. Maybe she is suddenly free to have a proper relationship with him now and he feels bad for making me feel better only to know he has to knock me down again. Who knows. He won't talk to me which is how we got in this mess in the first place. I don't think there is anything I can do. If you're no longer the one, that's it you're done for.

Anyway, I am sorry for putting the LOVE OF MY LIFE through my emotional rollercoasters so many times.

I will try not to do that anymore. I will remember the perspective blog, and Vicktor Frankl, and to try and use the energy that I would waste on a rollercoaster and try and focus it on Me Discovering Me.

(so it has been said, so it shall be done (I hope))

The more I think about it the more confused I become...

... may be it's not the Canadian woman -may be she is just a smoke screen.  The reason I know about her is that I woke up in bed at the beginning of this year after LOVE OF MY LIFE told me no longer wanted me and hadn't wanted me for years - he'd just been pretending and could see that he was tweeting. He didn't realise that I was awake so I looked carefully and I saw him tweet to the Canadian one - Can I tell you I want to be with you?  I just don't understand though.  It easy to say oh in love with a women in Canada but you don't need to worry as the distance means I'm staying here.  But you know - may be there was an attraction there with the Canada one but this other twitter/£85 phone call women (in England somewhere close to where he works) I still think there is more than just friends..  I mean you don't phone your 'friend' everyday on the way to work, for an hour every lunch time, and on the way home everyday from work.  And you don't phone your 'friend' for an hour when you have just arrived for the family Christmas holiday.  Or meet up with them on the drive home having sent your wife and children off to shop so you can meet this person alone.  And she is supposed to be happily married and happy for me to call her for her to explain to me that the £85 in phone bills is all innocent.  Of course if she is his 'friend' she'll say whatever needs to be said to shut me up, especially if her husband is blissfully unaware of that his wife is having lengthy phone calls with a male 'friend'.  Funny how it always seems to be in work hours almost like doing it when the husband won't find out.  And then there is that poem the LOVE OF MY LIFE wrote. He says the poems are made up but sorry that's just not him.  The poems come out of him, what he is thinking and feeling and I am a mug to believe that they are just stories inspired by the radio?  He did a poem about loving someone but them being with their husband and he should be here and she should be there even though he loves her.  If I find out her husband's name beginning with A then I'll know as there were two letters mentioned and one of them was A and one of them was the inital of the LOVE OF MY LIFE but very cleverly used in the poem which is just like him.  It's all very sad.  How does he expect me to love and understand him if he won't talk to me?  It is so easy to talk to a stranger on Twitter - you can reveal what you want and if you don't click then you just block them.  Having that ability to talk really honestly to someone gives you very good foundations on which to build a very good relationship.  I'm just the wife, I never got that opportunity and I never will get that opportunity.  It is just so unfair.  So those of you out there building relationships on Twitter make sure you're not neglecting your other half at home because given half the chance they might have been your best friend too, the one who understands you more than anyone else.

Oh, yes and he spent lunchtime telling our eldest one all about this women.  Well what does that tell you?

update - OMG I have just googled her to see if I can find out the name of her husband.  And she is the one - she has her picture but you have to put it together as a jigsaw and I remember the LOVE OF MY LIFE and me putting the jigsaw together together - oh, if only I had known then what it would lead to.  Just looked to see if there are any comments from him and there are - this was 11 months ago - 'Lovely idea, lovely picture, lovely you.' I am one hell of a fool aren't I!!!!

Just changed my google search directly on her website and there is a post about her marrying the love of her life nine years ago and she ends the post - Happy Anniversary, A x

Well that's a coincidence isn't it - only funnily enough the LOVE OF MY LIFE always says - there is no such thing as coincidence.  I rest my case.  :-(

Bet she is having a right old laugh at me. Maybe I should follow her blog - wonder if she'd recognise herself?  Only I'm not like that, maybe I need to learn to be.:-((

So much for early nights and getting some much needed sleep.

Right, time for a calm down and some bubble popping...

tonight the first bubble pop lead me here Let There Be Love -  A girl searching for happiness.  I am going to follow her journey and may be she can give me a few tips.  :-)

What did I do?

What did I do to turn him back to Mr Hyde?  He had been so nice to me this weekend and then it's all got nasty again.  I didn't think I would be going to bed crying again.  It's so not fair.  What did I do?  And why do I keep doing it?

I wish I knew what was going on?

I don't know what has happened but the LOVE OF MY LIFE's mood has really plummeted.  Just seen some tweets from him telling all the world how he is the worse this and the worse that.  I have asked him what is wrong but he just says 'I'm okay', 'I'm okay', 'I'm okay', but he is clearly not okay.  Such a change from the almost happy person this morning. Do you think it is the drink?  Whilst the drink can make you happy it can also drop you in the deepest despair.  I wish he would talk to me but he won't.  I guess at least he has that women from Twitter (no not the Canadian one - the £85 phone bill one) that he can talk to.  I should just accept the fact that I am never going to be the one for him despite believing that when we met.  There is no point me being here anymore :-( Really need to hurry up and get myself sorted out.

I can feel my mood plummeting with him. :-(((

Nervous :-(

I don't like it when the LOVE OF MY LIFE starts drinking so early in the day especially on top of the amount drunk last night.  I don't care what he says it does change his personality and whilst he seems pleasant there are underlying tones that I can't put into words.  I don't know, like a short fuse.  He is ranting at the laptop now and the language is not great at times.  He makes me feel so nervous.  His moves are over exagerated.  He would be angry if I tried to explain how I feel right now.  I'd just be a nagging wife going on about his drinking and like he says - HE DOESN'T CARE, he'll do what he pleases.  It's half three in the afternoon so I am really dreading the rest of the day as he will be able to drink everything that is currently in the house.  I just hope he doesn't go into the garage and start on that lot.  I know he is tired and it is his way of trying to ensure a good nights sleep and I'm tired too which isn't a good combination.

Trouble is I am like a mirror, I end up reflecting back what people show me.

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has just asked me how I am.  So I tried to be honest.  I told him basically what I have just written above.  The blog helped as it let me form my feelings so when I was asked I was able to say how I felt.  He said I don't need to be worried and that he is fine and he wasn't angry with me so I got that wrong didn't I.  I know he is not totally fine though as when you have had a drink and are tired that's how you feel isn't it, fine. I need to remember to keep things in perspective and not start on one of my downward spirals.  Rollercoaster ride can go away, thank you very much!!!

Welcome back Dr Jekyll

:-))))

The LOVE OF MY LIFE is back to Dr Jekyll

:-))))

Sleep - that's what we all need.  Lots of it.

Is Mr Hyde coming back? :-(

I can feel things changing again. We had a lovely morning, the LOVE OF MY LIFE being so kind to me but then we went shopping with the children and it started to turn again.  We are all so tired so may be that is the reason. that (need to try and remember the Perspective) and the fact that we were taking so long, or the fact that we were interupting his tweeting.  Then when we got home he got a bit angry which I find quite scary.  I don't know how much he has had to drink though. Please don't change I just need more time to get used to things.  Just need to get through each day as calmly as possible with as much sleep as possible.  Should have gone to bed by now.  Have been reading the whole of the blog I posted about earlier.  Read it from the beginning right through to the latest post.  Been crying my eyes out so the LOVE OF MY LIFE wanted to know why I was crying - he hates the crying and the roller coaster ride.  I just said, I just reading someone's blog.  Then I got all the questions about what was it about, what was the subject.  In the end I just said what do you think!  He said husbands doing bad things.  Yes :-((

In the same bubble...

I have been at it again searching for a new blog to follow today.  The fourth bubble pop (on wefeelfine) took me here - Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So many similarities with my situation except that THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has only gone off mentally, not physically.  But her words 'he still loves me but is not 'in love' with me' is EXACTLY what THE LOVE OF MY LIFE told me at the beginning of this year. 

Proves the point that you are never alone and you are never the only one going through stuff.  This blogging idea is wonderful because it helps you see this quite clearly and that gives you some kind of support and strength.

Well done to all you bloggers out there sharing your thoughts and feelings - you are probably helping many, many people.  Keep at it.

Today's Bubble Discovery..

I been clicking bubbles again on that We Feel Fine site.  This is where it lead me tonight My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog (soon to be: My Getting Skinny Super Super Teeny Weeny Blog

Where will your clicking take you?

http://www.wefeelfine.org/wefeelfine_pc.html

Update:  Just been reading through the above mentioned blog - this post here is so important, I want to remember how to find it when things get me down - Perspective

I'm 21...

... well in blogging terms.  I have posted 21 blogs since I started on 15 April 2011.  Shocking!  I actually stuck to something longer than 2 seconds.  That I am going to claim as a success.  This will be blog number 22 in 21 days so whilst I have not posted daily I have somehow managed to do an average of one blog a day.  So for me that is success in itself.  I have not been focusing enough on the actual task at hand mainly due to the fact of every day life getting in the way but at least I have a record of my thoughts and feelings.  Time flies so incredibly fast lately.  Do you realise we are heading to almost half way through 2011?  How did that happen?  We'll be seeing the Christmas decorations in the shops shortly. 

I Feel, You Feel, They Feel, We all Feel - check out the Feelings

Anyone come across this website before? - http://wefeelfine.org/wefeelfine_pc.html

I've been looking at the blogger stats again (!) and it shows the 'Traffic Sources' and the above one stood out.  So I had a little look, cautiously, as I am always wary of unknown links and it is crazy.  Little bubbles moving around the screen and they are all feelings being posted by people.  Hundreds of them all different colours, shapes, etc.  Someone must have hit on my bubble which, I assume, had picked up a blog where I must have written - I Feel or some such wording.

I clicked on some of the bubbles - the square ones bring up pictures and well as quotes.  When I clicked on the source of the quote it took me to a blogger page.  I have been wanting to discover other blogs of interest but there doesn't seem to be a good way to do it.  This, WeFeelFine, seems to be the perfect, random, crazy solution.

Wish I had known about this site when the Royal Wedding was on (or the other news this past week) as it would have been interesting to see if there were significant feelings.  Isn't technology amazing!  And the people that create with it.  Little screen snap...hope that's okay?

Where will your bubble clicking take you?

Mine took me here - 2001emotionalfeelings.blogspot.com which by coincidence made me think of this blog post - Half Lie/Myth/Shielding from the Truth #5 - iknowineedtostoptalking.blogspot.com

Funny old world.

OMG - Stop Press....

Another part of the map coloured in - Netherlands 2.  This is going to get addictive - I could travel the world via my blog stats.  Well, I could if the people stopping here would leave a trail to their blogs. ;-)

This Blogging Lark...

I have to say this Blogging Lark certainly makes the world feel smaller.  I didn't expect anyone to stop by at my blog given the amount of blogs, etc that must be out there in the WWW, and the fact that I must be one of the most boring people in the Universe, so I find the Stats provided by blogger fascinating.

If you have a blog - what countries stop by to take a look?  Has anyone coloured in the whole world map yet?  I'd love to know - blog about it and post the link to your blog in the comments so I can 'read all about it', please. :-)

Here are mine:

* ignore this figure as most were probably me before I worked out how to stop counting myself.

United States  , 54

United Kingdom,  29*

India , 3

Germany,  2

Sweden,  2

Russia, 1

Singapore 1

Was going along fine today...

...until I just saw a retweet by THE LOVE OF MY LIFE of the Canadian love of his life.  The tweet was made by her directly to someone else and was quite meaningless so can't see why he chose to retweet it.  Not what I want to see in my timeline just before going to bed :-((

Anyone want to try and remove the salt from my wound?

Yesterday's News.

I wanted to comment on the big news event yesterday but didn't have time.  It is playing on my mind so I figured I'd better do it now.  I understand from people's tweets that there was some celebration yesterday at the news of someones death.  I am struggling with the concept of celebrating someone dying.  I don't think it matters how bad a person is, should we really be celebrating their death?  Yes, there might be relief to know that someone bad can't do bad things anymore (although this is not the case of the wicked witch is dead and everyone lives happily ever after, this is a case where their death will just create more people who want to carry on their 'work') but to actually celebrate someones death does not seem right.  Perhaps it is more appropriate to mourn the life they lead and the footprints (or should that be bootmarks) they left in the sands of time.  I have just seen a tweet that sums up what I was thinking/feeling:

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." - Martin Luther King, Jr

Thanks to @michaelstjames via @stephenfry

What are your thoughts?