Back already :-(

Things have not been the same since Sunday. I ended up texting how I felt as I was so upset I was not able to talk about it. He had made an effort earlier with a hug here and there and I felt I had to communicate how I was feeling in some way as otherwise I'm not sure where we would have ended up. I was very truthful in my text. Maybe too truthful. Nothing was said about my text and we haven't really been the same since. We've just had another upset. I said about needing to make cakes for DD2 who has allergies as they are having cakes at school today. I didn't nag as he hates nagging. Well she had to go off to school with rice cakes instead. So I suggested that I send him hi future self (iPhone app) message so he can get a reminder and then I don't have to be made out to be a nag. What is it with men. They say they'll do something. You can see they aren't which then makes you nag otherwise it gets forgotten. If thu don't want to do it then why don't they just say - not going to happen sort it out yourself. Why???

I've just asked him to get the messages saved into the hi future self app and pissed him off. I'll do it he says. He said that last time. I hate being made to look like a nag. The only option I have is to just do it myself as he doesn't have the time or inclination. Be a different story if it was to remember a rugby match. Feel so bad today. Crying when I should be working. Really need to sort my time management out on this journey to me discovering me.

Not even a week gone by and I'm back again :-(

I don't know where to start.  Apart from crying.  Bath time - that's what started it.  Or is it just that my thoughts and feelings do not count for anything, ANYTHING!  It all started with them wetting the bathroom.  Which causes trouble with mom.  I can understand her point of view.  Wooden boards, soak by tubs and tubs of water, just don't last even if you ignore the mould.  I am the only one working and am up to my eyes in debt trying to keep this family together.  If I have to get the boards replaced it will mean the whole bathroom being removed and refitted as the boards used are large and fit under the bath, sink, toilet, shower.  So I said no please please stop. He went mad shouting that they can't have fun in this house.  I didn't mean to spoil the fun and if we had a wet room I doubt I would have said anything as it would be easy to dry and fix.  But we don't.  And silly play like that always ends up with someone getting hurt and one of the children crying.  He was so angry.  It made me wonder how much he had drunk.  Only four cans but silly play often happened when he had a drink which is probably how someone always got hurt cause things get out of hand.  To top that he was downright nasty and sarcastic to our seven year old.  And for once in my life I said that's not acceptable to talk to her like that.  She was simply trying to explain the soap had got back on her after she had got clean. She didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.  Nasty sarcastic comments.  I lived with a stepfather for years and it just brought it all back.  I might not have been able to stand up to a nasty bullying male like that when I was a child but I am damn sure I am not going to allow it to happen to my daughter.  No way.  I guess I should look on the bright side - on more step on the way to me discovering me.

What can I do to make myself feel better?

I've caused another upset or at least that's the way it feels. All I did was say that I wanted the LOVE IF MY LIFE to take the Christmas presents around to his parents house. I put a lot of effort into the presents. The order for one went wrong and it took a lot of effort to get it put right. We have had then a while now probably a month and there is always some reason why we can't take them around. Well it had to be today otherwise I know it wouldn't be for another week and like the children said by then they'd be better as Easter Presents. So I kept my ground and insisted it had to be today. He was not at all happy. Not. at. All! He came back and not a word. I had to ask if they liked them. He asked me later if I was alright. No, not really says I. Why do I feel bad for trying to do something good. I don't like going around say he. Words were had and a bad look too. Down I went straight into the spiral. I can't lift my mood and I can't eat my food. That is unheard of with me. It's been a rocky day anyway with words with mom this morning too. I've just managed to irritate him again as he has just asked what is wrong and I said the bad look you gave me in th kitchen. I've got over it now why are you dragging it on says he? Because, I say by this time crying, why do you have to make me feel bad when I'm trying to do good? He just walked off. Which is exactly what I want to do now. The quicker I can get to bed without causing another upset the better. In the words (or not) of Garbo. I want to be alone.

I'm such a disappointment to him :-((

I've done it again. I DM'd (Direct messaged for those that don't use Twitter) to ask for my lift from the station. He didn't show up. I kept walking at it was around the children's bedtime so he was probably busy and the exercise can only be good. And then I looked didn't I! His normal Twitter account had been protected (locked so only followers can see what is being Tweeted) this had me wondering about a conversation with mom the day before when we talked about my lack of observation skills and how sometimes she couldn't believe what I wasn't seeing right beneath my nose. I'd mentioned this to the LOVE OF MY LIFE and then felt rather paranoid that he was locking down his account as if there was something to hide. Then I looked at mentions on his 'dirty' account as I can't see that one as it has always been locked but you can see one sided conversations with those that they talk to that haven't locked their accounts and it was obvious that he was in a brief conversation with at least one person. So he is on Twitter but isn't responding to my DM. Then the thoughts started, flash back to the past, was he ignoring me, had I upset him, had he had a drink and couldn't risk driving. My mood dropped and I just couldn't lift it. I had to walk past the flat we had moved in to beginning of last year and that threw up a whole load of other disturbing memories. Like the night he was drunk and blatantly lying to me and I remember screaming at him, 'Oh my God, what kind of person are you!!!'. By the time I got home I had withdrawn into my protective shell. He knew the second I walked in the door. I couldn't hide it but also I couldn't talk about it. I was friendly but distant. We had a beautiful tea and I cleaned up the kitchen and went and stood outside. He used to do that alot before the upset and I wanted to feel what he felt. He caught me outside and wanted to know what was going on. So I told him. Disappointment spread across his face again and I had ruined Valentine's evening which we had both being looking forward to. I feel I have done serious damage this time. It disappoints him that I have never trusted him and he doubts I ever will. He can't see it from my point of view that knowing he told that woman that he knew soon into our marriage that I wasn't the one and that she was the most perfect woman for him and what he dreamt about doing with her and that last year he spent all Valentine's Day talking and texting her despite the fact we were meeting in London to see a show. When we got back to the hotel room he was sitting up in bed tweeting to her and I lay there irritating him because I was sobbing to myself and spoiling what was supposed to be a nice evening. How am I going to get over everything because it is the past I disappoint him everytime I bring it up. And every disappointment is like another coffin nail in our relationship. It hurts him that I don't stick to the present and give credit for good behaviour as it were. There is a definately a distance between us today. I feel thoroughly miserable.

Jumping To Conclusions

I did it again, didn't I!  Jumping to conclusions.  Making mountains out of molehills.  Adding two and two and getting 26!  Woke up this morning to the question, 'are you okay with me?'.  No says I.  I am really trying with the honesty stuff - good job really.  I said what did you drink yesterday?  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  I ask the question again.  'What did you drink yesterday?'.  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Silence. We had risotto yesterday didn't we which needs wine says I.  Then it came out - he had had a little bit of wine but most of it had gone in the risotto.  He told me yet again that he had worked out what he could have so he would be okay to drive as he never, ever wanted to go through that again.  So it would seem I had done it again.  Jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I came downstairs this morning to see a pint of cider on the side that he hadn't finished before he fell asleep so he was okay to drive as that must have been at least 2 units.  I also told him how I felt when he drank hoping he'd fall asleep on the sofa so I could escape.  Horrible to say it but best that I am truthful.  Just need to stop all this jumping to conclusions on my journey to me discovering me!

Well I'm here again which can only mean one thing :-(

Well what a day.  It started badly when I got up and realised how devastingly unhappy my mom was.  What had we done this time?  I ran through the list - children up to early, not shutting the kitchen door etc, etc.  She wouldn't tell me as apparently whatever she says we seem to do it more.   That had me thinking.  Mom can't spend the rest of her life being this unhappy and I need to do something about it.  I figured if I could just stop the drafts from the kitchen door and ask the LOVE OF MY LIFE if he would try to remember to shut it after him then it would be one small step to reducing some of the stress.  So we got one of those brush draft excluder things and fitted it to the door.  When mom came back she was not happy at all.  What I didn't know was that she had brought one months ago and had already cut it to size.  I say I didn't know but apparently she had told me but I just don't remember.  Well if you have stuck with this rather negative blog you'll already know I have the memory of a goldfish.  I tried to explain that I had not done it to hurt her or upset her just to try and make things better.  She got very angry saying it's not the drafts it's the fact that a certain person doesn't shut the door. This lead on to a big row about how now we've moved back in I am making changes to the house as if I own it.  Well I do own part of it.  Mom owns her part outright and I own it via  mortgage. It just made me feel really bad as I've never had a home of my own and the only reason I put the draft thing on was to try and make things better for mom.  This got me to thinking that mom is miserable and unhappy because I am happy.  How do you live with that?  Mom doesn't like the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  Even my youngest when about 4 years old said to me one day, 'why does granny hate daddy?'.  I don't know was all I could answer you'll have to ask her.  This was years before all the trouble we have had over the past 12-13 months.  Mom would have been much happier if we had split up and he was gone for good.  But I'd been fairly happy lately and he did seem to have been trying very hard with not drinking so much.  I know the agreement was that he wasn't to drink until he had a job but promises like that are never kept.  He likes his drink.  He really likes his drink.  To keep the cost down he has been drinking cheap bottles of cider but only buying one a day so he can only drink one a day and he has also managed two weeks where he has had drink free days.  He has made massive progress.  More than I ever dreamt possible.  I feel horrible for feeling the way I do.  Last night he had two bottles of cider - 17 units plus shared a bottle of red wine.  He had brought 3 bottles so it was good that he only drank 2 of them.  Still that amount made me nervous but I tried not to let it cause an upset.  He was being very nice and loving but he can also be rather forceful and bullying for want of a better word as he wants you to share his opinions and the like.  Well today, he went to the shop and ended up buying another bottle of cider so obviously he intended to drink two tonight.  We had discussed his drinking and how it made me feel and he said well I could have lied to you about the cider but I didn't.  Which is great because the lying will kill me everything time and you have to give up at some point if people keep lying to you.  He seems a lot more drunk than two bottles of cider.  He asked me if I was okay about 5 times in a row.  He is now passed out (sorry fast asleep) on the sofa and I have come up to bed glad for the escape.  How bad is that!  Never would I ever say that about him sober.  I can't get enough of him sober - that's the killer I guess.  Anyway, it kept bugging me that he must have had more than 2 bottles and then it dawned on me.  He cooked risotto tonight and what does risotto need? - it needs white wine.  Have I seen a bottle of white wine around?  Any mention of white wine when discussing what he had had to drink tonight?  What about when we discussed if he was going to be safe to drive tomorrow?  He has not had 17 units he has had closer to 26 units.  Will he be okay to drive tomorrow, despite all his promises, not according to the NHS website.  NHS states it takes one hour for one unit of alcohol to leave the blood stream.  So is he okay to drive at 9:20 am tomorrow?  He says he is.  So now I get to have a sleepless night of oh I've been lied to (or should I say mislead - as he didn't say he hadn't had wine and he will pick me up on that) followed by wondering how I am going to convince him that I am driving tomorrow.  He says he never wants to go through that again but sounds like just words to me.  People always say actions speak louder than words.   He has told me he loves me so many times today but how has he shown me?  This is a reminder that I still need to keep on with me discovering me.

Yawn, Yawn, Yaaawwwwwnn

I guess I should be off to bed instead of doing this very quick post.  I haven't had such a good day today.  I have felt quite stressed and I guess this is because I am so very, very tired.  I must have yawned about 50 really deep suffocating yawns in the past hour.  I did go to bed rather late tonight and really should be getting to bed now.  I still need to work desperately hard on having more discipline and being 'personally organised' if I am going to progress with me discovering me! xx

It's funny...or maybe it's not

I was thinking I should do a positive post given how well things had been going lately with the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  I didn't find the time though and now I am running back to the blog as I can feel one of those roller-coasters coming on again.

He went out today to watch the rugby.   He has to drive tomorrow so he was going to count what he could drink to ensure he was okay to drive tomorrow.  Worry time was 9pm and at 9:05pm I texted to check he was okay. He was just about to leave and walk home as the snow meant it wasn't possible to drive.  Well, I didn't expect him to be drunk when he got in.  And he was.  I was brave and told him I was disappointed that he had had so much given the fact that (weather permitting) he needed to drive tomorrow.  He was insistent that he will be fine tomorrow and he was disappointed in me.  I don't want to ride the roller-coaster and I am trying not to make mountains out of molehills but he has had too much to drink to be okay to drive tomorrow.  He is saying they are still going even though the weather is bad and the Police are advising that you should only go out if your journey is critical.  He has been so good controlling his drinking the past few weeks that I was starting to feel safe and happy again.  Now I am feeling scared and trying not to.

He is asleep now on the sofa so I guess it's off to bed with a hot water bottle for Me Discovering Me.

xxx