Chilli but for a different reason than originally intended...

Tonight's belated post was supposed to be about the new recipe I attempted last week.  I wasn't feeling very well but decided to go ahead and cook chilli-con-carne.  And despite not feeling well it worked out beautifully.  It was so good I ended up making it again two days later.  So this was supposed to be a happy post about my cooking success on the way to me discovering me.

And then tonight happened.  I still don't feel well and maybe that is why my tolerance levels are low.  On the rare occasions when I take a sip from the OH's drink he makes comments about me drinking his precious drink.  I don't even take a thimble full.  Well tonight I came back downstairs to find half my drink gone.  Admittedly I did say I may hand it over later if I couldn't drink it but that was a 'maybe'.  Instead of biting my tongue like I usually do I said something.  Anyway, after I mentioned it I sit down to write my 'happy' post and went to pick up my drink.  It was gone.  He had taken the glass out.  So I went to the kitchen to get it back.  It was empty!  OH says I thought I was empty so I took it out.  Well it wasn't empty says I but it is now.  Well, I tipped the dregs down the sink says the OH.  It wasn't empty then was it!!  He drank it more like.

That's what it will always come down to won't it.  As long as the drink is supplied things might be bearable but only if the drink is available.  So where am I going on this journey to me discovering me?

Struggling again :-(

Things had been really good.  We are getting on better than we ever have but I am still having difficulty coming to terms with everything that went on.  

I found an email exchange between myself and friend going back six years and one month ago in which I say how special my relationship was as my husband was my best friend.  I explained that it was "hard sometimes because when my husband upsets me so I go running to my best friend".  I never understood the words to the Prince song 'If I was your girlfriend' until I met the Love of My Life.

If I was your one and only friend

Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u

Even if that somebody was me? 

Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

In the email I also go on about  how "we both know how lucky we are.  I don't know how we managed to find each other".

Well of course it wasn't true was it.  Not from his point of view.  I wasn't the one - his neo - like he always said I was and I wasn't his best friend.  If I was he would have talked to me years ago but he didn't.  He started talking to her.  Telling her she was the one; the one he loves; the one he wants; his best friend and the one that understands him better than anyone else.  

So we are getting on well, really well, but all this is in my head and I can feel myself pulling back.  I'm not his one and I'm not his best friend and it would be unlikely that I would run to him any more.  So I'm not sure where this journey is going for me discovering me.

Chicken tonight

Well the other night actually. I attempted a new recipe; Chicken Chasseur. A recipe by James Martin.  It was lovely to cook and the sauce was incredible. The mushrooms were out of this world. They really took on the flavour of the sauce. I also made chocolate soufflés but ate too late to cook them off so had something yummy to look forward to later in the week.  

Tonight I cooked pork chops with cider, cream and spinach and served it with mash potato, circle shaped chips and diagonal cut carrot.  I increased the cider to 300 ml and used 200 ml of extra thick double cream as I wanted more sauce than last time. I used Thatchers cider but wished I had used a stronger one.   However, it turned out lovely and gave me lots of practice getting everything to arrive on the plates at the same time.  

So another successful week of cooking towards me discovering me.

MasterChef is me...

Well maybe not MasterChef but so proud of myself. Tonight I did two dishes. That was a real challenge to me when I struggle to get all items to arrive on the plate at the same time without worrying about two courses.

Tonight's dinner was:

Spiced Carrot and Lentil Soup 

followed by 

Oven-Baked Risotto

It turned out lovely and the addition of the yoghurt in the middle of the soup was really good. 

We had a lovely white wine to go with the risotto.

I think we should have had a chocolatey pudding to finish but we had Chocolate Souffles yesterday so couldn't really be naughty and have them again. The Chocolate Souffles are so quick and easy to make and so, so delicious.  So a good start to the week for me discovering me.  :-))

Reality Check

Things had been fantastic.  I was even tempted to blog about it tonight.  I was getting to the point where I was getting too involved for my own good.  Focusing on the day to day was starting to fade to thinking about the future.  I'd stopped worrying so much about the tweets to that woman too.  I had even thought of putting my wedding ring back on!  I never EVER thought I would consider doing that.  That lead on to me thinking the saying is true - Never Say Never.  Nothing stays the same and you never know what you might consider doing once time moves on.  It's been scary getting so involved again because what am I going to do if I don't at least keep something back.  Something that might save me a lot of heart ache if it all goes pear shaped again.  Well tonight I got my reality check.  He was struggling with his computer and I got up to give him a hug but he assumed I was going to offer to help him and he took my head off.  That was all I needed.  Brought back to my senses.  Defences back in place. Back to focusing on me and my journey.

On a more positive note I cooked tea tonight.  I did pork in the cider and cream sauce with mash potatoes, spinach and chunky cut carrots.  I am very pleased with how it came out given that it wasn't planned and I am not great at getting everything to arrive at the plate at the same time.  So that's another success on the road to me discovering me.

Her, Again.

Well I'm still in bed. Hiding. Hiding because the distance will show on my face. Him, tweeting that women in the early hours from our bed has shutdown all my feelings. The tweets may very well be innocent but to me they cut like a knife. How can I be close when I know his thoughts are for her. I can't. Now I'm hiding in the bedroom as I know he will see it in my face and today was supposed to be a nice family day for us all. She will always be in the way in my mind won't she. It's taking me all my strength not to help him pack right now. If he wants to talk to her at that time in the morning he may as well leave and go and be with her. Then he can talk to his heart's content and leave me in peace.

Lord help me today on this road to Me Discovering Me.

Broccoli and Blue Cheese

Today I made soup for the very first time. Broccoli and blue cheese soup to be precise. Found on the Good Food website. http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4886/broccoli-and-blue-cheese-soup

It was lovely.

Another recipe on the road to Me Discovering Me :-)

Because I'm worth it!

Time for a blog post. Things had been good or maybe just the distance between the bad parts had grown. The bad parts usually involving drink. But today I have had enough. I have finally learnt my sense of worth. It was the pathetic hiding of his phone when no doubt telling the love of his life how much he loves her and misses her that really killed it for me. He probably thinks I should be grateful that he is making a rather slow effort to hide it rather than doing it openly when he is lying next to me in bed. But imagine it, if you can, from my point of view. The man who is supposed to be the love of my life looking at the sofa at the side of him whilst he does whatever on his phone and then trying to hide, as if from a parent, what he is doing. Like a knife to the heart. He doesn't have to hide it from me. He just needs to say goodbye. Because whether he says it finally or whether I withdraw into my protective shell the outcome will still be the same but one will be the slow destroying path we have already trodden. But one difference. I have learnt my sense of worth. And if you or him or anyone else personally don't think I'm worthy that's fine. Each are entitled to their opinion. But on this journey I have learnt a lot about myself and I am more than worthy. I offer an enormous amount (not being like typical women) and I will not have my feelings trodden on anymore. I guess it is time to start treating myself with the respect I deserve. Time for that to happen on the work front also. And on that note as I pull into the station on the way to work it's time to start now. Another step on the road to Me Discovering Me.

Are we there* yet? *where ever 'there' might be

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't blogged regularly. Not surprised but still it's disappointing. Given my poor memory the blog at least would act like a diary and given the constant shift in my feelings it would have been helpful to get them down in black and white as it were. It's easier to spot patterns and trends that way. Help me find out what I am really feeling deep down inside and what is just temporary reaction to events, people, behaviours around me. Maybe?

I did start a couple of blog posts in the notes on my pad but didn't finish them. At least through this journey my (exaggerated?) reactions have calmed, if not stopped. I've learned that no matter how upset I am, he is (note the 'he' rather than the 'love of my life'), or any stressful situation is at some point we will be okay with each other again and it is not the end of the world.

The unfinished blog post theme was that this relationship is not sustainable and at one point I was even looking up amicable divorces and flats for him to rent near his new work. This morning I am still thinking that this is not sustainable. He says he loves me but does he? Does he really?

I didn't appreciate him joking with that woman he loves about killing each other's mother in laws. Okay it was a joke. I didn't find it funny. Would you? Honestly I'd like to know. Would you find it funny that someone you love and who is says he loves you talking on Twitter with the women who he thinks is the one for him about killing your mother? Would you? I have asked him in the past not to say things about my mom on Twitter. And he agreed and then this. He says if I didn't look I wouldn't have anything to be upset about. That may as well be but the things are still being said and thought and discussed just because I wouldn't know about it doesn't mean it's not. Does that make any sense? It clearly shows how much he cares about me don't you think?

It's the little things now. Not looking back before he drives off or when I get off the same train before him. And the not so little. We are in so so much debt because of all this and keeping the two places going for 6 months and all the holidays and all the drink. The drink has cut down from what it was 12 months ago but I have explained that we are in real debt and I am having to try and stay out of the red everyday but still everyday he is buying drink. He has to have at least 2 litres of cider per day. Sometimes he has 4 and sometimes he tops it up with beer or a bottle of wine. Is that excessive? It is nothing compared to what he was drinking (a thimble full in comparison) but what is normal in other households. Is that less that what your partner/husband/lover drinks everyday? Even if he drinks the cheap cider and only one per day that is almost £700 a year. Well when you have build up thousands of pounds in debt on lots of credit cards £700 is a lot of money. Well it is to me. He is working now but on a fraction of his original wage and I have paid for all the excess drinking during the 6 and 12 months he was out of work. Even though the agreement was once he had decided to stay with me was that he wouldn't drink if he wasn't working but I guess he didn't care.

We had a bit of a row the other week. He wanted to shred his receipts (paid for with money I had earned) and I offered to do it for him but he got very nasty about doing it himself. Something to hide maybe?

He has been training for weeks on this job and the training has been really dull and pointless so it is great he has managed to keep going. He tells me everyday about his boring pointless day (I then feel guilty as it makes me feel that I am not keeping him in the style to which he is accustomed (I hate my job too if anyone has noticed but I have house, children, bills to pay and drink to supply to him so I have to keep going. Anyway where was I?)). Oh yes boring pointless days. So the credit card bill comes in and there is £19 spent on a workday at the pub. So I ask what that's about. Oh they went out at lunchtime for drinks. On a day he has to drive. Has he learnt nothing? Drinking at work. On a new job. Really? Apparently he treated other people as they had treated him a few times. So it was more than one trip to the pub but never got mentioned when telling me about his day. That sent me a clear message that I am not actually part of his life. That was a big one. He has his virtual world on his clean Twitter account that he says I shouldn't look at and he has his locked away virtual world on his dirty Twitter account which I can't see and now he has real world that he doesn't share either. Living separate lives eh! What is the point? Another example of how he cares about me.

Makes me feel he wants the single life with his ladies on Twitter but with the comfort of 'married' life. And the reason for the blog post today is that every time I wake up he is on his phone. And that just takes me back to when he was telling that woman and others that he loves them and what he wants to do with them.

See this relationship is not sustainable. He might be happy settling for second best but maybe I want more. Maybe I want the fairy tale I thought I had. Maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there waiting for me to wake up.

In other news we started decorating the bedroom. It could have featured on one of those horder TV shows so a lot of stuff was boxed up and taken to storage. He did the DIY and I helped where I was allowed. He is always nasty when doing work like this and finally he admitted he HATES doing DIY. My question is why do it then? Why? What is the point? He gets really nasty with me when I'd rather he just said it's really not my thing can we come up with another solution? I'm wondering if my current feelings are down to the nastiness (made worse by him being tired) and soon it will all be nice and happy again? Anyway, finally the room is done and I have ticked off one of my bucket list. Don't laugh but (and I blame Fred Astaire) I have always wanted a sofa in my bedroom. And now I have. Might only have been a £95 one from Ikea but a sofa none the less :-) See I'm good at wasting money too.

Now I just have to work out how to get the stuff in storage back in without damaging the lovely decluttered space.

I learnt a lot about myself during this time too. I like DIY preparation. Scrapping the paint off the ceiling is certainly more interesting and satisfying than my job and I actually quite enjoyed it. I think I might be able to cope with DIY on my own.

I've been trying to keep up with my cooking. In fact whilst he was DIYing I cooked four days in a row!! And last night I made a delicious risotto so am feeling really pleased with myself. I would certainly eat well even if I was on my own. So that is good to know. So small small steps on the path to me discovering me. x

My week in recipes

Only one recipe this week (from the Good Food website as normal) pork chops with cider, cream & spinach. It had a four star rating and I think the instructions could have been a little clearer as my timings were a bit out. However, it was yummy and has plenty of potential. I will certainly make it again but will consider using a different brand of cider; one with a much stronger flavour. I will also reduce the sauce a bit more. I added creamy mash potato to it and in hindsight I should have done some long sliced carrots. The sauce should work well with chicken as well but with some fresh tarragon added too.

All in all though I am very pleased and THE LOVE OF MY LIFE enjoyed it too. Win win.

Here are some pictures.