For better and for worse....

Telling him it was over caused him to turn a bit nasty. I wasn't being horrible just self preservation. I can't take any more. It is certainly not how you want to start a new year. I guess it must have been scary for him not having a job, no savings or place to live. But that just makes me wonder if that is why he is sticking around. Who knows? He still doesn't understand that it is the lying that kills things. Apparently just because he lies about that doesn't mean that he will lie about other things. And I am wrong to worry about the children because he says it will never happen and basically it's all my fault because I make mountains out of molehills by thinking one little thing (like a lie) is the end of the world. Anyway, discussion was had and conclusion reached that it was the end. Crazy given how loving we'd been only hours before. He went off banging things and then I just got really, really upset. Sobbing my heart out on New Years Day :-((

Anyway I couldn't stand it and ended up running to him for a cuddle. Just like the Prince song "Would you run to me If somebody hurt you even if that somebody was me". I think it's wrong but just didn't have the strength today. He calmed down but was very angry with me causing all the fuss for nothing. I can see his point of view. The fact that I didn't go through with the whole splitting up business makes it look like I threw my toys out of the pram. I've asked him not to lie to me again he said he won't but where do you draw the line. He thinks all situations like this should be dealt with on their own and not added to past ones. I can't help but add them to the past ones. How can you not. At what point are you taken for a prat if the same thing happens over and over? Anyway we sorted things out and were okay again although I know I am holding back. A while later he seemed all wobbly again. So I asked the question have you been drinking. Yes, he says, I drank your bottle of cider (bottle was the size of a wine bottle). Fair play on him telling me the truth but surely after what we'd been through today and given the fact he doesn't think it is about the lying but thinks it is about the drink - you just wouldn't drink would you? Would you??? It seems crazy to tell someone you love them after lying to them about your drinking only to drink more?? I don't get it. He drank I don't know how many cocktails, shots and beer last night and topped it up with gin, his own cider that he had left over in the fridge and my cider. But apparently its New Year so only to be expected. He had promised not to drink my gin and cider but he didn't care. I could have done with a drink tonight after the day I've had but he has drunk the house dry. Wonder how much he is going to be buying during the week given that this is the first month in my life I have had to go in the red. I've got no way of fixing it either but I bet he'll still drink. Not because he needs it but because he likes it. I'm going to worry sick about the school runs. He says it is never going to happen again but once he's had a drink he'll think differently. I will not be able to cope if it happens again.

I feel horrible and need to try and focus on this blog and save myself. I've wasted a whole year. Trying not to get depressed as that will just irritate him. :-(

MDM

Ps hope you've all had a better start to the New Year x