I caught that smile he does. The one I always associate with her. The one, he tells me, is not her that makes him smile like that. Then I catch sight of his screen and who is he talking to? Yes, her. Smile wasn't for her then! Things were going so well or so it seemed. I tried to hide my tears but eventually he just upped and walked out of the room without even saying goodnight. When will I ever learn. Need to come here more often (when things are seemingly good and not just to escape to when things are seemingly bad) and carry on with the plan for me discovering me. xx
Why? Quite simply... because I haven't got a clue who I am. Time is moving on fast and it is about time I worked out who I am, what my priorities are, and what I want my life to represent. If you had to write your own obituary today - what would you write and would it please you?
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
An update...
After all the upset I was feeling very depressed and was worried that if I didn't shift the depression it would have an even more detrimental affect on my relationship with the LOVE OF MY LIFE. He had asked me if I knew how to be happy. I have thought about this often before so I was able to answer immediately that I don't think I do. What is happiness? Well typical me I figured I may as well just google it. That lead me to this website reading the page and comments was useful and reminded me of an old blog post of mine about it being a decision to be happy or sad. That made me feel that I could feel happier and less depressed if I wanted too. I just had to decide to be one or the other. I also received some coaching from a very special person I 'met' through this blog and that has really helped me to understand what I need to do to feel better myself which will hopefully have a positive effect on my relationship with the LOVE OF MY LIFE. It might not solve all the problems but if I feel better then I may be stronger when negative things happen. The coaching has also help me to remain focused on the task at hand. Thank you Slava x I also brought a diary in an attempt to be more organised. I am writing down a few realistic aims for the day and then ticking them off and recording any other achievements. I am also recording my overall feeling for the day and what was positive and what was negative. So far it is working. Yesterday I manage to declutter part of our bedroom and have time for a face sauna, face mask and foot spa. Hopefully I am now making some progress towards Me Discovering Me. :-)
Sunday, 1 January 2012
For better and for worse....
Telling him it was over caused him to turn a bit nasty. I wasn't being horrible just self preservation. I can't take any more. It is certainly not how you want to start a new year. I guess it must have been scary for him not having a job, no savings or place to live. But that just makes me wonder if that is why he is sticking around. Who knows? He still doesn't understand that it is the lying that kills things. Apparently just because he lies about that doesn't mean that he will lie about other things. And I am wrong to worry about the children because he says it will never happen and basically it's all my fault because I make mountains out of molehills by thinking one little thing (like a lie) is the end of the world. Anyway, discussion was had and conclusion reached that it was the end. Crazy given how loving we'd been only hours before. He went off banging things and then I just got really, really upset. Sobbing my heart out on New Years Day :-((
Anyway I couldn't stand it and ended up running to him for a cuddle. Just like the Prince song "Would you run to me If somebody hurt you even if that somebody was me". I think it's wrong but just didn't have the strength today. He calmed down but was very angry with me causing all the fuss for nothing. I can see his point of view. The fact that I didn't go through with the whole splitting up business makes it look like I threw my toys out of the pram. I've asked him not to lie to me again he said he won't but where do you draw the line. He thinks all situations like this should be dealt with on their own and not added to past ones. I can't help but add them to the past ones. How can you not. At what point are you taken for a prat if the same thing happens over and over? Anyway we sorted things out and were okay again although I know I am holding back. A while later he seemed all wobbly again. So I asked the question have you been drinking. Yes, he says, I drank your bottle of cider (bottle was the size of a wine bottle). Fair play on him telling me the truth but surely after what we'd been through today and given the fact he doesn't think it is about the lying but thinks it is about the drink - you just wouldn't drink would you? Would you??? It seems crazy to tell someone you love them after lying to them about your drinking only to drink more?? I don't get it. He drank I don't know how many cocktails, shots and beer last night and topped it up with gin, his own cider that he had left over in the fridge and my cider. But apparently its New Year so only to be expected. He had promised not to drink my gin and cider but he didn't care. I could have done with a drink tonight after the day I've had but he has drunk the house dry. Wonder how much he is going to be buying during the week given that this is the first month in my life I have had to go in the red. I've got no way of fixing it either but I bet he'll still drink. Not because he needs it but because he likes it. I'm going to worry sick about the school runs. He says it is never going to happen again but once he's had a drink he'll think differently. I will not be able to cope if it happens again.
I feel horrible and need to try and focus on this blog and save myself. I've wasted a whole year. Trying not to get depressed as that will just irritate him. :-(
MDM
Ps hope you've all had a better start to the New Year x
What a fool!
I held off doing an end of year post. It was going to be a positive one. His mother had asked me last night how things were between us and I said perfect. What a fool. He got drunk last night. Only to be expected on New Years Eve. He seemed a bit worse for it this morning but about an hour ago he seemed really really drunk. I asked him nicely had he had a drink. No. I asked him again several times have you had a drink, I'll not be mad. Tell me the truth. I know his patented cure is another drink but he reassured me no. About seven times he said no. I was in the kitchen getting the little one a drink when I suddenly remembered the mixed bottle of gin and tonic left over from our holiday. Must have been about half a bottle of gin in it. Well it was missing from the fridge. I checked the recycling and there is the empty bottle. I just asked the question again, he must have known I knew as he said yes. How many times did you lie to me? So what or some such was his reply. So what it's over. How can I live with someone who cannot tell the truth. When he says he loves me and just wants to make me happy which he has said too many times to count this morning, I can only assume it's all lies. When he says he hasn't been talking to the kinky shoe sardine woman I can only assume it is all lies. If he lies about something as stupid as whether or not he has had a drink then he is most certainly going to lie about other women and other stuff. What a shit way to start the year. And to top it all I am now up to my eyes in debt having had to keep two homes for 6 months of last year, pay for my 40th birthday trip to Rome from him and the holiday to Spain he wanted and everything else. He just got his licence back yesterday and put back on the insurance. He is supposed to be taking the girls to school from now on as he is not working. How can I trust him not to get pissed before taking or collecting them. He got picked up last time going to fetch them from school. I did my damnedest in 2011 to keep my family together. Looks like it was all in vain.
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