Chilli but for a different reason than originally intended...

Tonight's belated post was supposed to be about the new recipe I attempted last week.  I wasn't feeling very well but decided to go ahead and cook chilli-con-carne.  And despite not feeling well it worked out beautifully.  It was so good I ended up making it again two days later.  So this was supposed to be a happy post about my cooking success on the way to me discovering me.

And then tonight happened.  I still don't feel well and maybe that is why my tolerance levels are low.  On the rare occasions when I take a sip from the OH's drink he makes comments about me drinking his precious drink.  I don't even take a thimble full.  Well tonight I came back downstairs to find half my drink gone.  Admittedly I did say I may hand it over later if I couldn't drink it but that was a 'maybe'.  Instead of biting my tongue like I usually do I said something.  Anyway, after I mentioned it I sit down to write my 'happy' post and went to pick up my drink.  It was gone.  He had taken the glass out.  So I went to the kitchen to get it back.  It was empty!  OH says I thought I was empty so I took it out.  Well it wasn't empty says I but it is now.  Well, I tipped the dregs down the sink says the OH.  It wasn't empty then was it!!  He drank it more like.

That's what it will always come down to won't it.  As long as the drink is supplied things might be bearable but only if the drink is available.  So where am I going on this journey to me discovering me?

Struggling again :-(

Things had been really good.  We are getting on better than we ever have but I am still having difficulty coming to terms with everything that went on.  

I found an email exchange between myself and friend going back six years and one month ago in which I say how special my relationship was as my husband was my best friend.  I explained that it was "hard sometimes because when my husband upsets me so I go running to my best friend".  I never understood the words to the Prince song 'If I was your girlfriend' until I met the Love of My Life.

If I was your one and only friend

Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u

Even if that somebody was me? 

Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

In the email I also go on about  how "we both know how lucky we are.  I don't know how we managed to find each other".

Well of course it wasn't true was it.  Not from his point of view.  I wasn't the one - his neo - like he always said I was and I wasn't his best friend.  If I was he would have talked to me years ago but he didn't.  He started talking to her.  Telling her she was the one; the one he loves; the one he wants; his best friend and the one that understands him better than anyone else.  

So we are getting on well, really well, but all this is in my head and I can feel myself pulling back.  I'm not his one and I'm not his best friend and it would be unlikely that I would run to him any more.  So I'm not sure where this journey is going for me discovering me.

Chicken tonight

Well the other night actually. I attempted a new recipe; Chicken Chasseur. A recipe by James Martin.  It was lovely to cook and the sauce was incredible. The mushrooms were out of this world. They really took on the flavour of the sauce. I also made chocolate soufflés but ate too late to cook them off so had something yummy to look forward to later in the week.  

Tonight I cooked pork chops with cider, cream and spinach and served it with mash potato, circle shaped chips and diagonal cut carrot.  I increased the cider to 300 ml and used 200 ml of extra thick double cream as I wanted more sauce than last time. I used Thatchers cider but wished I had used a stronger one.   However, it turned out lovely and gave me lots of practice getting everything to arrive on the plates at the same time.  

So another successful week of cooking towards me discovering me.

MasterChef is me...

Well maybe not MasterChef but so proud of myself. Tonight I did two dishes. That was a real challenge to me when I struggle to get all items to arrive on the plate at the same time without worrying about two courses.

Tonight's dinner was:

Spiced Carrot and Lentil Soup 

followed by 

Oven-Baked Risotto

It turned out lovely and the addition of the yoghurt in the middle of the soup was really good. 

We had a lovely white wine to go with the risotto.

I think we should have had a chocolatey pudding to finish but we had Chocolate Souffles yesterday so couldn't really be naughty and have them again. The Chocolate Souffles are so quick and easy to make and so, so delicious.  So a good start to the week for me discovering me.  :-))

Reality Check

Things had been fantastic.  I was even tempted to blog about it tonight.  I was getting to the point where I was getting too involved for my own good.  Focusing on the day to day was starting to fade to thinking about the future.  I'd stopped worrying so much about the tweets to that woman too.  I had even thought of putting my wedding ring back on!  I never EVER thought I would consider doing that.  That lead on to me thinking the saying is true - Never Say Never.  Nothing stays the same and you never know what you might consider doing once time moves on.  It's been scary getting so involved again because what am I going to do if I don't at least keep something back.  Something that might save me a lot of heart ache if it all goes pear shaped again.  Well tonight I got my reality check.  He was struggling with his computer and I got up to give him a hug but he assumed I was going to offer to help him and he took my head off.  That was all I needed.  Brought back to my senses.  Defences back in place. Back to focusing on me and my journey.

On a more positive note I cooked tea tonight.  I did pork in the cider and cream sauce with mash potatoes, spinach and chunky cut carrots.  I am very pleased with how it came out given that it wasn't planned and I am not great at getting everything to arrive at the plate at the same time.  So that's another success on the road to me discovering me.