Who am I? Where am I?

I thought I was doing okay. I thought we were doing okay. Since the drinking stopped it has been three weeks of heaven; added to the fact that £85 phone call woman is on holiday visiting the Love of her Life's family and has not been tweeting for a few days. We are on holiday too but the cheapness of the beer and the holiday spirit has meant the drinking has returned even though it is still August and therefore breaks our agreement. I felt guilty depriving him when he had done so well. I've had a few upset though the past couple of days (well it is that time of the month) but I've caused upset tonight cause I spotted him typing a question to someone about how sensitive their nipples are. Well I couldn't keep it to myself so asked what it was all about. It was apparently not to the £85 phone call b'tch but to another one of his 'friends'. All in good fun, like. Only I'm not laughing and just feel a prat. He has gone funny with me now. And is sitting there not tweeting despite me saying carry on. Am I over reacting? Am I just tired and emotional? Will I ever be able to sit here and see the funny side of it?

I feel like crying only what is the point.

Love

MDM x

It been a while

Well 2 weeks now without any alcohol and the difference has been amazing. Started to feel very much like the beginning despite everything that has happened in the past 6 months. Not one roller coaster!

Last few days though since returning from holiday I have felt more insecure. Maybe because THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has been on the computer a lot and it is making me feel that he might still be carrying on 'virtually' with the £85 phone call woman. Or may be even looking for more women like that. I'm probably going to spoil things keep worrying about it. I upset him tonight for muting the tv at the end of the film, then said the wrong thing when he told me he had been listening to it. Tonight I feel really strongly that there is more than just idle chat going on. Collaboration is the word that springs to mind but how am I ever going to know. You can never know what people get up to these days with the change the Internet brings.

Anyway need to get some sleep as I have stayed up very late too many times this week. I need sleep then maybe I won't be so paranoid. We haven't really spoke and certainly haven't touched since the muting tv business. Feels like we have gone back to where we were before. Horrible feeling after 2 weeks of almost heaven.

Another step eh; on the journey to Me Discovering Me xxxx

Confused, yet again!

It's the first morning back in the house and the mood is definitely somber. Tiredness after yesterdays move I suppose. I guess I just need to be patient and give it time.

MDM

Back to the Beginning

Well, we are back at the house. Due to hand the flat back tomorrow. It seems strange to be back here. Seems like only two minutes since we left here to try and see if things could work out for us. I'm not really sure where we are and where we are heading. Watch this space.

MDM

I just don't understand us

We had our first row in 11 years and it was horrible. He had made a comment that I hadn't heard. (I have a hearing problem) So I asked him to repeat what he said and he wouldn't, which then made me feel he had said something nasty. I had popped out earlier after our little chat about the future and about the rules that would have to apply if we were to continue. (I had to go against my principles which is never set rules or demands on a man). But it was mainly around not drinking in August at least. He had told me that he wanted to give up so I hope it would be helpful to him. I was so worried what he was going to say when he read it but he just said, yes, okay and seemed relieved, so god knows what he had expected me to come up with. I then had to pop out and when I came back he seemed different, moody although you could see the cider he had been drinking taking affect. Well when he wouldn't tell me what he said I got more and more distressed and angry and so did he. 'It's over then!', he says. Yes, I'll move the children and myself out tomorrow. Then he said about staying on in the flat and me paying for it. I said I can't afford it. He had said the same thing himself not more than an hour before. Then he said what am I going to live on so I guess he wanted pocket money too. Then he said if I didn't then I would have to pay him out of the house. I can't believe he said that because he always claimed not to be a materialistic person and knowing that moving into the flat I had had to stop the payments on the mortgage which were covered by an inheritance that i had used to cover the mortgage. Not helped by the fact I had had to stop the payments to get us through Christmas due to him leaving the job before this one. I was shocked that things would turn this nasty and threatening. His phone was next to him so I grab it and said who are you talking to. He fought me to get to the phone and only stopped when he managed to click the button that locked the screen. So heavens knows who he was talking to. :-(

I just could not believe that it would end so nastily between us. So I tried to talk to him and suddenly felt calm. He seemed to calm down too and soon we were talking and holding hands like we were the closest people in the world. I really do not understand us. I guess we just need time but my sanity can't take the roller coaster ride. This morning I made the mistake of looking at his mentions on his private Twitter account and people were saying about not being able to take him in. Now I feel down again. But I guess I'm telling the blog. The only difference is people reading this blog don't have a clue who I am but the people on his private twitter account know him and include the £85 women on her 'dirty' Twitter account.

You need trust to have a loving relationship and after tonight I am not sure if it is really me he wants or just needs somewhere to stay till he gets on his feet again. He hates it when I don't believe what he says but it is hard too when he lies so much. Worse still when I know 100% that he is lying and he still lies even when there is no need to lie. How can I learn to trust?

And yet again...

alcohol has spoilt my day. Or am I making excuses. And if I am making excuses for him, maybe he is just a nasty bastard because you wouldn't treat anyone as despicably as he treats me.

I. DO. NOT. DESERVE. TO. BE. TREATED. LIKE. THAT!

Chapters.

I'm on the journey home from work but it is a much bigger journey than that. Today I might find out if a new exciting chapter full of love and happy endings is about to begin or a chapter dealing with the final pain of lost love, alcoholism and disappoint is about to end.

Wish me luck xxxMDMxxx

It's My Fault

It seems that I am the cause of the drinking because I don't show him love in the way he expects.

It is very hard to show love when someone changes when they drink. Not to mention: the Twitter Lovers; the 'picture' swapping; the video/skype 'sex'; the arrest for dd; being wasted in the daytime when he has the children; walking around in my maternity trousers as no money for clothes as he needs money for booze (my daughter is 9 years old now so those trousers are lasting so well - but I look scruffy at work now I've lost weight); I try not to resent the money but it is me that has to balance the books. He has not had to worry about money as that is all on my shoulders made worse now by the fact that I now only have my wage to juggle. I managed to fund the trip to Rome which was my 40th birthday present from him. He also wants a trip abroad with the children in a villa with a pool. I do too but I used all my leave in the first six months of the year taking days off cause of all the upset and not wanting to go to work with red eyes and sobbing. And I can't find the money. We will be down by £17k at the end of this year IF we stick to the budget which we never do. I'm balancing it all on credit cards. Although I'll need a new balance transfer to get us through the end of the month. Apparently his perfect £85 phone call woman would not have a problem with his drinking.

Anyway, I thought I had shown my love by sticking by him through all of that but he still feels I don't show him love. :-(

MDM