Sunday, 31July 2011

Alcohol spoilt my day today.

Too much from the night before topped up with about 5 litres of cider.

Alcohol kills love.

Yours a very sad and disappointed

MeDiscoveringMe

xxxx

Thoughts (work in progress - 1st rough draft)

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be loved.

I deserve to be wanted.

I deserve to be treated with respect. 

I deserve to be told the truth.

I deserve to have a best friend. 

I will not be second choice. 

I will not be second best. 

I will not live in fear of alcohol for myself or for my children or for the LOVE OF MY LIFE.

I will no longer be deprived due to money spent on alcohol.

I will no longer allow myself to be bullied.

Confused Emotions

So much has happened the last couple of weeks I am so confused. The LOVE OF MY LIFE told me so many times that he loves me this weekend and yesterday. Started to feel a bit like we were in the beginning. I'm not sure what set it off. Has one of his Twitter women upset him? Was it the enormous amount of alcohol he had consumed? He was basically drunk for three days. Was he just horny (sorry for the bluntness) or does he indeed love me? I wish I knew.

I don't know what to do. I was thinking today about my lack of self discipline. It is so lacking that I don't think I was even in the queue when it was handed out! You can see the lack of self discipline in this blog. I had wanted to post once a day at least or on average and I have barely visited here recently. When I tried to work out why I decided it is because of my lack of honesty or should that be my secretive nature. There is so much I could say if I could allow myself to be honest but I am so worried about someone working out who I am or worse who the LOVE OF MY LIFE is that I hold back and that leaves very little to be said. But I guess I am not a very honest person anyway. I don't mean to tell lies and in a lot of respects I am a very honest person. I have even been told I am too honest. Oh dear is this the Gemini coming out. Never spotted that before. So why do I think I am dishonest when I am usually so honest? The other thing I have discovered about myself is that I am like a mirror. I reflect back to you what you show to me. So if you are nice to me I can't be anything else to you. If you are not nice I'll reflect that back. Now this is where it doesn't make any sense because the reason I feel I am not honest is when someone hurts me I'll not say anything to them. I might give out evil vibes, for want of better words, but I won't say anything. Also, I have a tendency to say what I think you want to hear. So if you're lying to me and I know for sure you are, I'll cover for you. I won't say, don't lie to me. Am I avoiding confrontation? I don't know. Well must end this here as I'm at my stop (on my next part of my journey to Me Discovering Me).

Faithful? Confused :-(

What does being faithful mean to you? Is a guy/husband faithful as long as he doesn't sleep with anyone else?

What about if he is possibly swapping pictures with people or maybe even one person or using video like Skype and doing heaven knows what?

What if you think he is in love with someone who is already married and that is why he hasn't physically left yet because she is apparently happily married but she is having long £85 telephone calls with someone else's husband? Just good friends apparently.

What are you suppose to think when the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE tells you he no longer wants you but then this weekend spends it drinking and then says he loves you same as he did a few weeks ago, when he had, again, been drinking? Is the (more excessive that normal excessive) drinking, and for want of a better word, the 'clinging' to me, because the married woman has been distant with him?

Is this a midlife crisis? Is this a typical Librian trait - falling in love with falling in love? I still believe that poem is about her but he says the poem is just made up but it's not. It's not. So all the lying, is that a form of cheating? Why lie? What is the point? Because he now has no job, can't drive now until January and has no money of his own to find somewhere to live after the lease on the flat expires. The flat we took on, years too late, to try to see how we got on living in our own space. Surely he should have cut ties with the Twitter world and Twitter lovers. How can you see how things are if you are constantly talking (and by constantly I mean Constantly) to someone else? Why didn't he say something to me years ago instead of pretending to love me? Makes me feel that there is not even any respect there, I'm not even treated as a human being with feelings.

To say I am confused is an understatement. I have to go to work today after having spent last week, abroad, alone with the LOVE OF MY LIFE (and by alone I mean me and him and his tweeting to the £85 phone call woman and others). I need to work, I need to keep my wits about me so I can keep my job as I am the only bread winner now he has given his job up. He still hasn't given up the drink though despite saying he would. People around me think I am a mug, I guess. Wish I knew what to think, feel and do. Can feeling myself moving back behind my brickwall, locking the doors and windows, and pulling down the blinds. My sparkle is going to end up disappearing forever. :-(

Feelings...

Just in case it's not obvious or anyone has forgotten; I'm a human being too, with feelings.

#silentsunday

Criticism

Criticism.

A dominate feature in my life. Please note I am posting drunk so might not make much sense.

Today there has been lots of criticism. Today's criticism was driving too close to the on-coming cars. Since the LOVE OF MY LIFE has had to rely on me driving EVERYwhere the criticisms have been coming fast and thick. Sorry, should read thick and fast!

However, I remember in the past being criticised for driving too close to the drains. Ever get that feeling that you just can't do right!

Yours Never Right

MDM

Thought for tonight

Thought I'd try a new approach before I turn the light out for the night. I don't seem to be blogging or concentrating on the goal so I hope this idea will pull it back a little. I've grabbed one of my self help books off the shelf and given the pages a quick flick. This one really hit me today as I tried to have a little tidy up (read throw out/ shred) to try and get on top of things. And what book and page did I turn to tonight?

The Rules Of Life page 80-81

Headed - Prune Your Stuff Frequently

Boxed text - Clutter overwhelms you emotionally and gets more and more cobwebby.

I wish I could copy the whole piece out because it just so fits in with today.

Let's all think of William Morris who said that you shouldn't have anything in your house that isn't beautiful and useful. When we wake up in the morning let's take a look at our lives through William Morris' ideals.

Nite nite

MDM

#silentsunday

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

So where are we?  Or should I say where am I?  This blog is, after all, supposed to be about me discovering me.  Well as you can see from the lack of posts I have most certainly taken my eye off the goal. 

Why?

Well, we seemed to have settled into a pattern, that and the early mornings (5am) taking a toll so that there is just no energy left to do anything but get up, work, go to bed, repeat. 

Then Friday, 17 June I had, probably, the best day I had had in a long time.  I had gone out for the day with mom and we had had a brilliant, relaxing, enjoyable day.  I had been in contact with the LOVE OF MY LIFE via DM's most of the day but when I got home he started on me saying that I was being funny with him.  I had had a bad dream the night before about him being with another woman and he felt I was being funny with him about that.  I wasn't, and for once in my life stuck up for myself, and said that is a load of rubbish.  Anyway, things went from bad to worse until I was sobbing my heart out.  You know just how messed up can you get in your life?  There were things going on at work, and accidents happening to relatives that just made me feel everything is falling apart.  I was going to sleep on the sofa but he insisted I come to bed.  I was still crying uncontrollably in bed and then the LOVE OF MY LIFE, in that tone that he has when you have really pissed him off said, "WHAT are you crying for, I'm still here aren't I? I haven't gone anywhere have I?".  Wow, I couldn't believe the arrogance.  To say I was shocked was an understatement to say the least.  Wow, I felt I should have been groveling on the floor thanking him for the shit mess my life is in. 

Anyway, I changed from that moment on.  It is obvious that I am not loved, not even well thought of.  And that's how I spent my week, still reeling from the shock.  I didn't do it consciously but I can see now that I stopped the little touches, and the neediness (for want of a better word) and just accepted my lot. 

The LOVE OF MY LIFE mentioned the difference in me when we went out on the Monday for my 40th birthday and I was honest for the most part and said that Friday had been like a last straw after all the things he had subjected me to since January. 

He had given up his job a couple of weeks ago and had the next two weeks left to work.  I don't know what changed in him over the following weekend. I did wonder if it was the amount he had drunk, or the fact in a couple of weeks he would no longer have a job and therefore we wouldn't be able to afford the flat and would have to move back to where it all began.

We had to go out on the Friday for an event for the children, then a family bbq on the Saturday.  Then on Sunday he kept saying I love you.  He said it in such a way that I believed him and it felt like it had done in the very beginning in our relationship.  It felt like, not only did he love me but he was in love with me.  I tried so hard not to take it to heart and then he said it in front of the children.  That got him hugs from both of them as they know only too well what is going on.  I felt then that it must be true as to say that in front of the children you just wouldn't would you, not unless you meant it.  I can't tell you how safe and happy I felt.  I did have a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that was the drink talking but he assured me it wasn't.

Then earlier this week something happened where, in the old days, he would have deliberately said I love you but he didn't.  Well the doubt set in because if he truly did feel love for me in his heart he WOULD have said it then.  And he didn't.  I've noticed he has not said it all week.  I mentioned it to him last night and he just said he is so tired with the 5am starts.  But he was tired with them last week.

Well the same thing has just happened this morning and he didn't say the three magic words, I love you.  So I said you don't love me do you?  He said I do a bit.  I love spending time with you and being with you.  But you are not in love with me are you?  A little, he said and showed me just how little with his fingers.  Well, that is so different to the feeling from last weekend.  I feel such a fool.

I thought we were going to be okay and now I'm not sure we will.  I think it is very cruel to make someone believe that you do love them when you clearly don't.  Was he trying to make amends for Friday, was he worried where he would live as he no longer has a job, was it the drink - is that why he convinced me everything was back to how it was in the beginning and that he loved me?  I can feel myself slipping away back behind my brick wall.  I really need to put regular effort into Me Discovering Me.