Groundhog Day

I have in the recent past tried to follow the FlyLady thread on MSE but then I decide to search for the original FlyLady.

The basics for FlyLady (amongst other advice) is setting up morning and evening routines so you get in the habit of getting the things done that you need to in order to have more peace in your life.

FlyLady believes that it takes 27 days for a habit to form.

This is what I have been working on.  Rather than putting post it notes around to act as reminders, I use the unofficial FlyHelper app so that I have my routines with me all the time (well all those times when I haven't misplaced my phone).

But today it finally dawned on me.  Things hadn't gone quite according to my morning routine list  (as seems to be the case most days) and I was wishing it was tomorrow so I could try all over again to 'get it right' whilst trying not to beat myself up about it.  

That's when it hit - Groundhog Day.  

I need to go through my 'groundhog day' until I get the routines rights.  Just like Bill Murray's character had to in the film.  And yes it was frustrating and annoying for his character to have to keep messing up before getting it right but it was all worth it in the end.

So instead of me beating myself up, I need to remind myself that I'm just having a groundhog day and if I keep on going it will be worth it all in the end.

And I will be well on my way to me discovering me.

Roller coaster

I had a revelation today, of the spiritual kind...

I am not the one responsible for the roller coasters!

And that is despite always, always getting the blame for them. 

The reason, I think, I get the blame is that the OH only realises we are on a roller coaster when he hears me screaming to get off.  Hence why I get the blame.  But it finally dawned on me that the only reason I am screaming is because I can't cope with him when he is so consumed by drink.  

If he didn't drink, I would have no need to scream.  Therefore, he is one responsible for the roller coaster not me. 

Destructive Relationship

He is destroying me and I don't have the strength to resist or cope.  If I don't get out I don't know what will happen.  Life is POINTLESS.

It's like pulling off a sticking plaster, you know it is going to hurt like hell and you don't know how bad the wound is underneath.  It could get better without the plaster and with some fresh air.

Picking at the corners and managing to pull half of it off then leaves it to catch on something causing more pain. Stupid us tried to stick it back down.  Now I get double the pain. How stupid am I?  I have to go through this again but this time I've got severe depression to deal with as well.  How can I cope?  Flylady and mini habits mastery had better be as effective as they claim.  I have to ignore Monday and focus on getting through the next five minutes, working through my routines and then see where I am.  And on and on until I can cope a bit better.

I think I am his crutch but I'm broken now.  He needs to find a new crutch.  I'm destroyed.

He treats strangers better than me.  I was committed to a prison sentence and not told of my crime until 2011.  And my crime - I wasn't THE ONE.  And he knew it before he married me.  And stupid, stupid me tried to carry on and show him just how much I did love him.  And FOUR years later, whilst times have been better (hence the lack of posts) I AM STILL NOT THE ONE!  Never was, never will be. End of. 

I drive him to drink because I'm not the one he wants to be with, and his drinking destroys me. I resent it and drive him to drink more and on and on and on.  DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP.

Finally an update...

So what have I been doing on my journey to me discovering me.

To cut a long story short I ended up off work for a long period of time with stress and depression (I was in denial about the depression).

I've managed to get back to work and I'm probably four months back now. I am still not well and as I said in my last post I had a bit of a mini breakdown the other week.

I don't understand why I am struggling so much as I have been doing a lot to try and get better. 

I signed up to Get Some Headspace a while back and ended up buying the version for the whole year. I've done the foundation, the stress pack and I am now struggling with the relationship pack. Without a good morning routine I really struggled to fit the Headspace into my day. I find, like Andy Puddicombe says, that aiming to do it in the morning means it gets done and you have more chance of taking it with you during the day. I have managed a few weeks waking up about 6:00 to 6:30 putting on the travel kettle that I now have by my bed so I can get a cup of tea which is usually cooled enough to drink by the time I have finished my Headspace session.  It feels good to get it done like.  I found it difficult to do the visualisation with the stress pack (I just can't get over the fact that each toe and each finger fills up one at a time - how??) and find it hard to find someone to focus on in the relationship pack. I am hoping that if I keep going things will get easier. I need to get more sleep though as I keep falling asleep during my Headspace, particularly the relationship pack.

I also took out a subscription to Psychologies magazine using our Tesco points.

I am currently reading:

• Learned Optimism;
• Organizing from the Inside Out;
• Never Check Your Emails in the Morning; and
• Optimised Thinking.

Oh and also reading:

• Bastard Husband; and
• My Life in Black and White.

I never normally read fiction but I found Bastard Husband whilst I was going through my own difficulties.  I have just finished reading Bastard Husband and at the end of the book it pointed to a website/blog and it turns out the story is more fact than fiction. I have yet to have a good look at the blog but it is something I intend to do.  I found My Life in Black and White purely by accident.  I was walking through the library about to get some magazines out and this book cover caught my eye and that was it I ended up borrowing it. 

From reading Learned Optimism it is now confirmed that I am very pessimistic. I guess anyone reading the blog probably knew that already. When I am feeling brave enough I am going to read my blog from the start and see how much is pervasive, personal and permanent.  I am currently trying to note my ABC's - Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences so I can move on in the book.

I also found out from doing the test in the book that I am moderately depressed.  I was one point off being severely depressed.  I hadn't believed the doctor when he suggested I was back in November 2013!   At least now I understand why and can be more aware, hopefully.

Prior to this I have been receiving emails from a couple of places and I have found real benefit from them.

The first is Rori Raye. Obviously it is about selling the information she has gathered over the years and normally I wouldn't look at something like that because of that simple reason.  But in this case, over the months of receiving her emails, I am convinced she has valuable information to sell.  And if I knew anyone having relationship problems I would recommend that they at least sign up for her emails. I do believe she could give you knowledge that most women do not have.  The reason I am convinced she knows what she is talking about is because it was only after reading her emails that I realised I had been doing some of the things she talks about completely by accident and now I understand a bit more how me and OH have gone from a really bad relationship to one that is better than it was in the very beginning. We still need to work out the alcohol issue but otherwise things are very good. 

Marc and Angel Hack Life is another email I am signed up for.  They send regular emails that make you think about the way you live.  I need to set aside time to take it all in properly.   I have even extracted a paragraph or two and shared it with the children.  They might only be 9 and 12 but no reason why they can't start thinking about what they want from life and how they want to live it.  I will do a blog post in the future as there was a passage that they interpreted totally differently to me and I feel they were right.  I just hadn't seen it.  Very enlightening and good to know my children are more insightful than I am.

I have also recently found Zen Habits and want to put time aside to think about the issues and ideas presented by Leo Babauta.

Because I have so much going on, probably too much, I thought I could try and do a more regular blog post picking up on issues in the books and from the emails and websites I have been looking at.  I am hoping that by doing it that I will focus on one or two ideas at a time rather than reading something and moving on to something else without exploring what I have already found, if that makes any sense.

I want to commit, on a daily basis, to me discovering me.

When he says something - don't believe a bloody word!

Well I have been wanting to do a blog post for the last couple of weeks to record all the things I have been trying on my journey to me discovering me. 

But the OH went away yesterday for a boy's night away and he has just arrived back.

He said - HE SAID - he would try not to come back as wasted as he did last time.  Guess what! He is more wasted than last time and has walked in the house and now taken the dog straight out for a walk in this hot temperature.  He was having to put his hand on the wall of the hall to keep himself upright.  

I don't know what is worse - feeling worried or just feeling relieved he is out of the house for the moment. Poor dog. :-(

I have had an up and down day today.  I am really tired due to practicing getting up at 6 to 6:30 for whole week.  The wrong time of the month has just turned up today and now on top of it all I have to deal with him thinking he is being wonderful when in fact it's quite sickening.

I need to get our bed made as soon as possible in case I can convince him to go to bed.  But the sheets, mattress protector, etc are on the line - not sure if they are ready to go back on yet.

I really don't need this right now. I am struggling enough at work at the moment.  I had a mini breakdown at the train station on Thursday when I realised I had lost my train tickets. I remember collecting them and sitting down on the platform but when I came to get off the train they were gone.  I have no idea what I did with them so distracted is my mind.  The lady at the station who helped me said that I should not go into work but should go to the doctors as I was so upset and distressed.  I managed to go to work and go through the day but I need to take care and not have to deal with drunk when I am struggling day to day as it is.

Better go and check the washing.

A note to remember...

He had drunk enough last night.  I got back this morning to realise, from his wobbling condition, that he had been drinking again.  Only three apparently (which means he drank so much more than I thought yesterday).  I said he had to stop.  I've never done that before.  I don't want my weekend ruined.  He said he would stop. I've come down from upstairs to find the four cans that were left are now only two!  I don't have the energy to be angry and what's the point of being disappointed.  It just sums up exactly how much he loves me, since actions apparently speak louder than words.  Whilst I am not going to let it ruin my weekend I also don't want to forget this step on the way to me discovering me.

How old?

I think a new blog post is long overdue.  I had been thinking this for a while now but the other week I received an email to say my blog was three years old.  THREE YEARS OLD!  I nearly fell off my chair. Wow, I hadn't realised it was so long ago.  What a journey from where I was when I started the blog to where I am right now!  If someone had told me at the start of the blog that this is how the journey would go I would not have believed them.  Those who popped in to look at my blog might have noticed that I only tended to blog when I needed help, support, comfort and that when things were fine I didn't feel the need to stop by so often.  For the little blips along the way I have tended to send a short tweet rather than manage to find the words for a blog post.  It would seem that the person who caused me to need my blog in the first place was the one person who could also cause me not to need it - by simply being there and helping, supporting and providing comfort though our very difficult journey.  Believe me, we hit the bottom, the absolute bottom of the roller coaster and that seems to be the point at which things started to look up. 

We have had our little ups and downs since, which seem to get smaller and shorter each time, and disappointingly almost always involve alcohol in one form or another.  And yes there may be the odd days here and there where I don't feel my heart full of love and I expect he feels the same.  It used to be the end of the world for me but now I realise I am likely to feel the complete opposite in a day or even an hours time.  It puts a different perspective on things.

I put my wedding ring back on ages ago which is something I never, ever expected to do again which I think demonstrates the complete turnaround.  It doesn't mean we will be together forever but I am committed on a day to day basis.  I don't know what the future holds, who does?  I do know I won't ever be at the point I was before.  I can, and more importantly will, walk away if my needs aren't met and I will not fall apart again if he ever decided to do the same.  It's a little sad in a way as whilst things are better than they have ever been it seems to me that there is a little part missing.  Or maybe I just realised that things change and yes you might not like it but life goes on, people die, people move on, people forget you but life goes on.  Whether we like it or not.  As I read somewhere years ago - you will laugh again.  You have to look for the rainbows, learn to dance in rain, seek a new door when one closes, learn, grow and move on to the next challenge.  Hold on to the hope that everything will be fine if you just accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives.  And that's not easy for a pessimist to say!

I am, absolutely, a work in progress on my path to me discovering me.

And I am back...

Yes, I should have been back ages ago.  The roller coaster, whilst smoother than it was, still manages to give me a stomach wrenching drop on a regular, if more distant, basis.

Things have, at times, been good.  But yesterday and today make me want to walk away.  It's the drink again as it usually is.  He returned from a boy's weekend having not had a good time. There was a bottle of Jack Daniels in the cupboard. Yes, I know - more fool me for buying it for his birthday in the first place.  But I had expected him to take it with him on the boy's weekend - there again booze is not normally for sharing.  So maybe I was just kidding myself.

I hate Sundays anyway as there is plenty of time to get booze down the neck.  Trying to do bath time with the children and a man that has had a bit more drink that is probably socially acceptable in most houses is not a relaxing way to spend a Sunday.  Talk about being scared and on edge. Things had improved and they were okay yesterday despite the fact that he started drinking the JD when he got back. 

Tonight he seemed like he had had a bit to drink.  He changes even though he doesn't think he does.  I was busy messing about and sorting homework so I didn't notice.  When I did I asked what he had been drinking.  JD, of course.  Just two little ones.  I checked the bottle in the wardrobe and there was a little bit left.  Just that morning I had dug my nail into the label to mark where the level was.  By my eyes half a bottle had gone since this morning.  So anything up to 14 units.  He had just opened the wine to drink with dinner.  Fourteen units not counting the wine.  And if you have to drive at 8:30 am working backwards that takes you to about 6:30 pm. Well, he didn't get home till late and then walked the dog so if he was to have the wine he would be over the limit by morning.  What to do?  Do I ignore it and let him drive my children in the morning or face pissing him off?  Well, I can't let him drive the children.  Not just for the children's sake or anyone else on the road - it's a three year ban next time.  It would be a downward spiral for him.  So I showed him the bottle.  No way.  No way.  I showed him the mark but of course - I'm just some lying bitch that is making out he has drunk half a bottle when he only had two 'measures'.  And now I am being treated like the nasty lying bitch I am.  So that's a nice way for me to end my already stressful day.  I did say I wasn't saying don't drink just that I will drive the children to school and him to work in the morning.   Yes, that will fuck my day up but it's a better option that him getting banned or worse still killing or injuring someone.  But he still poured it back into the bottle so that I guess is a good thing.  He has gone now - up to bed not even saying goodnight.  So thanks for that.  I'll just sit here and cry in disbelief at the way I am treated.  What did I really do that was so wrong?

Where do I start?

I haven't blogged despite having lots and lots of confusing feelings that I need to work through.  I haven't blogged because I don't know where to start, where it would stop or even how to put what I am feeling into words.  I feel like I am spiralling out of control and I don't know how to stop it or how to save myself.  I thought I had come quite a way since I started this blog but when I think back at what I wanted to change I might even have gone back in some ways.  It doesn't make sense really because on the surface of it things have really improved.  My husband (that is a very hard word to use but is easier to describe like that as LOVE OF MY LIFE is no longer applicable) are still together despite everything that went on (see earlier blog posts) and he tells me on a daily basis that he loves me.  That is, I guess, an amazing achievement since he no longer wanted to be with me and was in love with someone else.  I've also managed to secure that longed for promotion at work.  Things are looking up one would think. Add to that the fact that I have lost 30lb and I should be walking on a cloud. But I'm not.  Aside from the crying I don't feel any happier than at the beginning of this blog.  In fact I feel more trapped and helpless than I ever did.

I have made very little progress with the decluttering and I still have not found a routine that I can stick to more than a day.  And I am helpless to see what I can do to fix it.  The children had said they wanted a hamster. I explained that our house is too cluttered and untidy for us to have a hamster.  The children promised they would tidy up their stuff and declutter if they could have a hamster.  I hadn't discussed this with the OH as I didn't think much of it.  Yes, if the children did miraculously clean up a Hamster would not be too high a price to pay.  I felt I would be happy to take care of a hamster or two if it meant the house was tidy which would mean that I could clean it easily and effectively.  OH was shocked when the children mentioned it and was not happy with the idea of them having a hamster.  I said I expected the children to both bore of decluttering as any mention of chucking stuff out in the past had met absolute no's and upset.  Any DD1 had said she would start with clearing one shelf per day and then we could do under the bed together on Sunday.  I got a text at work half way through the day from Grandma to say I hope you know what you have left yourself in for - she has cleared all the shelves in one morning!  It seems that DD1 had found the perfect incentive and was not going to give up in her quest for a hamster.   And her determination was rubbing off on DD2.  Then we went for a day out at the zoo and at the end of the day we were in the souvenir shop and DD1 says she would like to sponsor one of the animals for £45 as her remembrance of the day.  I tried to explain that if she saved the £45 she could get a really amazing cage for her hamster.  This is when the OH told them they could have a dog instead.  Now he had mentioned to me when he said he wasn't happy with them having a hamster that he would prefer them to have a dog as they would get more fun out of a dog. Which I kind of agreed to.  But I hadn't quite got as far as them being told they would have a dog if they tidied up the house.  However, once it had been said there was little we could do and I guess if I got a tidy house out of it I would feel better, I would be able to clean it more easily and we could start trying to have a house to be proud of rather than embarrassed by.  We started looking at dogs that might be available not expecting to get one any time soon since hardly any decluttering of the house had been done. Well to cut a long story short - they were told yesterday they could have a dog if and only if they got the house decluttered and so their rooms could be easily cleaned.  Today I have a puppy sleeping at my feet as I type.  How the heck did that happen.  I wasn't feeling so bad about it until we had had it in the house for about two hours.  We had taken it in the garden as there had already been too many 'accidents' in the house.  When it came back in it seemed 'all excited' as in humping the children 'all excited'.  I could not disguise my upset as not ever having had a dog before I had never expected anything like that and this is a PUPPY!!!  To say I was shocked was an understatement.  The children got upset my my reaction which didn't help and the puppy has changed the humping since.  I feel dreadful.  Instead of getting a lovely tidy house that I could clean, I have a dirty untidy house that now has wee and doggy business on the carpets and it stinks.  It could have fleas and worms.  If you knew anything about me you would know that my paranoid head will be working overtime and my nagging for hands to be washed and fingers not to go near the face or mouth is almost constant.  

What the hell am I going to do with a stinking humping dog that I have to pay for when I don't have enough money to pay for us.  Then I start to wonder how the hell I get into these messes.  The OH has been drinking more and has been falling asleep downstairs on a more regular basis.  My head is a complete mess.  

And as for work I am struggling so much. I have absolutely no motivation or energy for the job and I don't have a clue what to do to fix it.

So there it is.

Not sure where I am on the path to me discovering me... 

Well I'm back which can only mean one thing....

Yes, I'm back.  I should never have been away.  This was supposed to be about me wasn't it so why haven't I been here recording the good instead of just the bad.  I had had it in my mind for the past few weeks that I needed to come back here and update myself on progress.  Reflect so that I can see that I am making progress, slow progress but progress nonetheless.  Well, I made the mistake of questioning the drinking.  I have done this many times before and the response has been positive.  We were able to talk about the drinking and he didn't react in a way that caused upset.  Today he did.  I don't know what I said differently or if my tone was wrong or I looked in the wrong direction but this time he took offence.  I tried to go up to him later for a cuddle in the hope of preventing it from escalating but I got a 'what!' in that tone.  And I was back.  Back to the heartache, back to not being wanted, back to him with that other woman, back to here and to tears and to my ripped apart heart.  I'm tired, I'm old and too much water has passed under the bridge.  I can't take it any more.  I am not a bad person despite what he might think. I'm not and yet I seem to attract unhappiness and disappointment from people.  See I can feel it building up - if I wasn't here then everyone could get on with their lives quite happily.  Gosh it has been a while since I felt like that which I guess is very good news.  But you know, I'm tired.  I am struggling at work.  I am not sure if it stress or if Alzheimer's is starting but I am not saying the words that I think I am saying or typing in emails and I don't know what to do.  What I don't need right now is to be brushed aside because I have mentioned drink. Things had been better.  The gaps between upsets had got longer and longer until it was starting to feel as if the roller coaster had stopped.  But now, now I just want to get off.  I'm too old and too tired to keep doing this.  I want my sanity, I want consistency, I want peace.  I don't want to keep being brought down.  If he is not happy then why, dear god, why doesn't he just be brave and go and do what makes him happy.  I said to him the other day when we had gone out for meal for my birthday.  I didn't know what to talk to him about.  He was trying to tweet at the same time so it's not going to help my conversation flow if I had anything to talk about anyway.  I don't do anything, I don't have any interests.  I don't know what to talk to him about.  The next day we went out to eat again and I didn't feel like that - I had had a drink though.  How am I going to pick myself up again?  Just wait until morning when the drink might have subsided and everything is back to 'normal'.  To me though it feels like another nail in the already very well nailed coffin.  It's not possible to go back is it.