How old?

I think a new blog post is long overdue.  I had been thinking this for a while now but the other week I received an email to say my blog was three years old.  THREE YEARS OLD!  I nearly fell off my chair. Wow, I hadn't realised it was so long ago.  What a journey from where I was when I started the blog to where I am right now!  If someone had told me at the start of the blog that this is how the journey would go I would not have believed them.  Those who popped in to look at my blog might have noticed that I only tended to blog when I needed help, support, comfort and that when things were fine I didn't feel the need to stop by so often.  For the little blips along the way I have tended to send a short tweet rather than manage to find the words for a blog post.  It would seem that the person who caused me to need my blog in the first place was the one person who could also cause me not to need it - by simply being there and helping, supporting and providing comfort though our very difficult journey.  Believe me, we hit the bottom, the absolute bottom of the roller coaster and that seems to be the point at which things started to look up. 

We have had our little ups and downs since, which seem to get smaller and shorter each time, and disappointingly almost always involve alcohol in one form or another.  And yes there may be the odd days here and there where I don't feel my heart full of love and I expect he feels the same.  It used to be the end of the world for me but now I realise I am likely to feel the complete opposite in a day or even an hours time.  It puts a different perspective on things.

I put my wedding ring back on ages ago which is something I never, ever expected to do again which I think demonstrates the complete turnaround.  It doesn't mean we will be together forever but I am committed on a day to day basis.  I don't know what the future holds, who does?  I do know I won't ever be at the point I was before.  I can, and more importantly will, walk away if my needs aren't met and I will not fall apart again if he ever decided to do the same.  It's a little sad in a way as whilst things are better than they have ever been it seems to me that there is a little part missing.  Or maybe I just realised that things change and yes you might not like it but life goes on, people die, people move on, people forget you but life goes on.  Whether we like it or not.  As I read somewhere years ago - you will laugh again.  You have to look for the rainbows, learn to dance in rain, seek a new door when one closes, learn, grow and move on to the next challenge.  Hold on to the hope that everything will be fine if you just accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives.  And that's not easy for a pessimist to say!

I am, absolutely, a work in progress on my path to me discovering me.

And I am back...

Yes, I should have been back ages ago.  The roller coaster, whilst smoother than it was, still manages to give me a stomach wrenching drop on a regular, if more distant, basis.

Things have, at times, been good.  But yesterday and today make me want to walk away.  It's the drink again as it usually is.  He returned from a boy's weekend having not had a good time. There was a bottle of Jack Daniels in the cupboard. Yes, I know - more fool me for buying it for his birthday in the first place.  But I had expected him to take it with him on the boy's weekend - there again booze is not normally for sharing.  So maybe I was just kidding myself.

I hate Sundays anyway as there is plenty of time to get booze down the neck.  Trying to do bath time with the children and a man that has had a bit more drink that is probably socially acceptable in most houses is not a relaxing way to spend a Sunday.  Talk about being scared and on edge. Things had improved and they were okay yesterday despite the fact that he started drinking the JD when he got back. 

Tonight he seemed like he had had a bit to drink.  He changes even though he doesn't think he does.  I was busy messing about and sorting homework so I didn't notice.  When I did I asked what he had been drinking.  JD, of course.  Just two little ones.  I checked the bottle in the wardrobe and there was a little bit left.  Just that morning I had dug my nail into the label to mark where the level was.  By my eyes half a bottle had gone since this morning.  So anything up to 14 units.  He had just opened the wine to drink with dinner.  Fourteen units not counting the wine.  And if you have to drive at 8:30 am working backwards that takes you to about 6:30 pm. Well, he didn't get home till late and then walked the dog so if he was to have the wine he would be over the limit by morning.  What to do?  Do I ignore it and let him drive my children in the morning or face pissing him off?  Well, I can't let him drive the children.  Not just for the children's sake or anyone else on the road - it's a three year ban next time.  It would be a downward spiral for him.  So I showed him the bottle.  No way.  No way.  I showed him the mark but of course - I'm just some lying bitch that is making out he has drunk half a bottle when he only had two 'measures'.  And now I am being treated like the nasty lying bitch I am.  So that's a nice way for me to end my already stressful day.  I did say I wasn't saying don't drink just that I will drive the children to school and him to work in the morning.   Yes, that will fuck my day up but it's a better option that him getting banned or worse still killing or injuring someone.  But he still poured it back into the bottle so that I guess is a good thing.  He has gone now - up to bed not even saying goodnight.  So thanks for that.  I'll just sit here and cry in disbelief at the way I am treated.  What did I really do that was so wrong?

Where do I start?

I haven't blogged despite having lots and lots of confusing feelings that I need to work through.  I haven't blogged because I don't know where to start, where it would stop or even how to put what I am feeling into words.  I feel like I am spiralling out of control and I don't know how to stop it or how to save myself.  I thought I had come quite a way since I started this blog but when I think back at what I wanted to change I might even have gone back in some ways.  It doesn't make sense really because on the surface of it things have really improved.  My husband (that is a very hard word to use but is easier to describe like that as LOVE OF MY LIFE is no longer applicable) are still together despite everything that went on (see earlier blog posts) and he tells me on a daily basis that he loves me.  That is, I guess, an amazing achievement since he no longer wanted to be with me and was in love with someone else.  I've also managed to secure that longed for promotion at work.  Things are looking up one would think. Add to that the fact that I have lost 30lb and I should be walking on a cloud. But I'm not.  Aside from the crying I don't feel any happier than at the beginning of this blog.  In fact I feel more trapped and helpless than I ever did.

I have made very little progress with the decluttering and I still have not found a routine that I can stick to more than a day.  And I am helpless to see what I can do to fix it.  The children had said they wanted a hamster. I explained that our house is too cluttered and untidy for us to have a hamster.  The children promised they would tidy up their stuff and declutter if they could have a hamster.  I hadn't discussed this with the OH as I didn't think much of it.  Yes, if the children did miraculously clean up a Hamster would not be too high a price to pay.  I felt I would be happy to take care of a hamster or two if it meant the house was tidy which would mean that I could clean it easily and effectively.  OH was shocked when the children mentioned it and was not happy with the idea of them having a hamster.  I said I expected the children to both bore of decluttering as any mention of chucking stuff out in the past had met absolute no's and upset.  Any DD1 had said she would start with clearing one shelf per day and then we could do under the bed together on Sunday.  I got a text at work half way through the day from Grandma to say I hope you know what you have left yourself in for - she has cleared all the shelves in one morning!  It seems that DD1 had found the perfect incentive and was not going to give up in her quest for a hamster.   And her determination was rubbing off on DD2.  Then we went for a day out at the zoo and at the end of the day we were in the souvenir shop and DD1 says she would like to sponsor one of the animals for £45 as her remembrance of the day.  I tried to explain that if she saved the £45 she could get a really amazing cage for her hamster.  This is when the OH told them they could have a dog instead.  Now he had mentioned to me when he said he wasn't happy with them having a hamster that he would prefer them to have a dog as they would get more fun out of a dog. Which I kind of agreed to.  But I hadn't quite got as far as them being told they would have a dog if they tidied up the house.  However, once it had been said there was little we could do and I guess if I got a tidy house out of it I would feel better, I would be able to clean it more easily and we could start trying to have a house to be proud of rather than embarrassed by.  We started looking at dogs that might be available not expecting to get one any time soon since hardly any decluttering of the house had been done. Well to cut a long story short - they were told yesterday they could have a dog if and only if they got the house decluttered and so their rooms could be easily cleaned.  Today I have a puppy sleeping at my feet as I type.  How the heck did that happen.  I wasn't feeling so bad about it until we had had it in the house for about two hours.  We had taken it in the garden as there had already been too many 'accidents' in the house.  When it came back in it seemed 'all excited' as in humping the children 'all excited'.  I could not disguise my upset as not ever having had a dog before I had never expected anything like that and this is a PUPPY!!!  To say I was shocked was an understatement.  The children got upset my my reaction which didn't help and the puppy has changed the humping since.  I feel dreadful.  Instead of getting a lovely tidy house that I could clean, I have a dirty untidy house that now has wee and doggy business on the carpets and it stinks.  It could have fleas and worms.  If you knew anything about me you would know that my paranoid head will be working overtime and my nagging for hands to be washed and fingers not to go near the face or mouth is almost constant.  

What the hell am I going to do with a stinking humping dog that I have to pay for when I don't have enough money to pay for us.  Then I start to wonder how the hell I get into these messes.  The OH has been drinking more and has been falling asleep downstairs on a more regular basis.  My head is a complete mess.  

And as for work I am struggling so much. I have absolutely no motivation or energy for the job and I don't have a clue what to do to fix it.

So there it is.

Not sure where I am on the path to me discovering me... 

Well I'm back which can only mean one thing....

Yes, I'm back.  I should never have been away.  This was supposed to be about me wasn't it so why haven't I been here recording the good instead of just the bad.  I had had it in my mind for the past few weeks that I needed to come back here and update myself on progress.  Reflect so that I can see that I am making progress, slow progress but progress nonetheless.  Well, I made the mistake of questioning the drinking.  I have done this many times before and the response has been positive.  We were able to talk about the drinking and he didn't react in a way that caused upset.  Today he did.  I don't know what I said differently or if my tone was wrong or I looked in the wrong direction but this time he took offence.  I tried to go up to him later for a cuddle in the hope of preventing it from escalating but I got a 'what!' in that tone.  And I was back.  Back to the heartache, back to not being wanted, back to him with that other woman, back to here and to tears and to my ripped apart heart.  I'm tired, I'm old and too much water has passed under the bridge.  I can't take it any more.  I am not a bad person despite what he might think. I'm not and yet I seem to attract unhappiness and disappointment from people.  See I can feel it building up - if I wasn't here then everyone could get on with their lives quite happily.  Gosh it has been a while since I felt like that which I guess is very good news.  But you know, I'm tired.  I am struggling at work.  I am not sure if it stress or if Alzheimer's is starting but I am not saying the words that I think I am saying or typing in emails and I don't know what to do.  What I don't need right now is to be brushed aside because I have mentioned drink. Things had been better.  The gaps between upsets had got longer and longer until it was starting to feel as if the roller coaster had stopped.  But now, now I just want to get off.  I'm too old and too tired to keep doing this.  I want my sanity, I want consistency, I want peace.  I don't want to keep being brought down.  If he is not happy then why, dear god, why doesn't he just be brave and go and do what makes him happy.  I said to him the other day when we had gone out for meal for my birthday.  I didn't know what to talk to him about.  He was trying to tweet at the same time so it's not going to help my conversation flow if I had anything to talk about anyway.  I don't do anything, I don't have any interests.  I don't know what to talk to him about.  The next day we went out to eat again and I didn't feel like that - I had had a drink though.  How am I going to pick myself up again?  Just wait until morning when the drink might have subsided and everything is back to 'normal'.  To me though it feels like another nail in the already very well nailed coffin.  It's not possible to go back is it.

Me and my big mouth or why bother having a blog if you end up talkingto your OH

Well I spilled my heart out to my OH last night. Tears and all. I ended up saying how much it hurt not to be 'the one' and that I thought he should have been braver and gone to be with the love of his life instead of settling for us. I don't know what I was thinking of. It's not like I haven't got the blog to pour my heart out to, is it? I've really upset him now as he says he loves me and wants to be with me. The trouble is he never says she is not the one. He did say it was all blarblarblar. In fact he has said before that it was 'just what blokes say to get a shag' but I have to put that to one side as that raises even more issues and questions which are not going to make things better at all. Quite the opposite! So whilst things can be really good between us it still feels like he is settling for second best. And that's not fair on me either. He should have said something years ago when we first got together that he had made a mistake and I wasn't the person he wanted and then he should have hung out till he found 'the one'. By him settling for second best it's like I don't count. But he sees it as me dismissing his love. Why can't I explain myself properly. Isn't that, if he is willing to settle for second best then I am being made to settle for second best too? Maybe he thinks I can't do any better and he feels sorry for me? But one thing I have learnt through this whole process is that I am a really nice person. I know nice people don't get anywhere in life but you know what...I'd rather be me than some of the almost nasty vindictive people I seem to hear about who do all sorts of things when they find out the bloke they are with doesn't want to know anymore. I guess I need to try and bury my feelings and just take each day as it comes. I suppose, more importantly, I need to focus hard on me discovering. me. I have been making some progress but I'll leave that for another blog post. Oh and pinch punch, by the way, first of the month (and no returns). X

I'm back which can only mean one thing...

Yes, that's right. It's all wrong. Again. I don't know what I have done. He says he is just tired but he has been tired before but the tone of his voice and how he treats me says so much more than just being tired. It is exactly like before. Exactly. The way he looks at me, his tone with me. He can't even disguise it. The drinking has increased too which was always a sign that he is not happy. I can't live like this though. I can't go back. I can't do it. He needs to make up his mind what he really wants. The other side of things hasn't been right for ages. He says it is because of an injury but seems anytime I am around, lets just say, I seem to deflate things. It's done nothing for my self esteem. You are told you are not the one and you see messages to one of the other women telling them you never were the one and that they are the most perfect person in the world and then things get 'deflated' when you are around. How's that supposed to make you feel?
Crap that's how. I suggested we ban 'things' for 6 weeks to try and remove any pressure and to let things heal which is much better than being reminded that you're not really wanted. I feel so trapped and lost and alone. Why can't he just work out what he wants? No point in hanging around for second best. One thing's for sure I need to get back to me discovering me.

Putting Garnier Body Intensive 7days to the test

I received a promotion pack to put Garnier Body Intensive 7days to the test so I could feel and see the results for myself.

The blurb on the packet claims - "Throughout the day skin loses moisture which can leave it looking and feeling dry. Moisturising with Garnier Body Intensive 7days leaves skin hydrated, feeling smoother and softer."

It apparently comes in Mango, Shea Butter, Cocoa Butter and Aloe Vera. My sample was Shea Butter.

I'd had the pack a while and not found time (as you might expect with me) to give it a test. However, I was determined to start trying some of the creams I have stockpiled in the cupboard to help with my decluttering cause. Going away for Christmas seemed the ideal time. Seven days away from the normal 'routine' to make myself use the cream and spend some quality time with my poor neglected legs.

In order to see a tangible difference you have two skin readers provided in the pack. One for before and one for after. Using the cream fitted in perfectly with my holiday routine - swim, steam, shower and cream so I easily got in the habit of applying it. It smelt good and I started to look forward to that part of the day as a treat rather than a chore. I've always hated the feel of cream on my hands and used to always ask the OH to apply cream for me. You know that horrible, hard to wash off greasy feeling. With this cream I was not only able to do myself but took pleasure in doing so. My hands never once felt greasy. And as for the results, well I have to say I was most impressed. My skin did indeed look and feel better despite swimming most days.

Here are my before and after skin readers so you can judge for yourself.

Garnier Body Intensive 7days certainly gets the thumps up from me. I just need to get a bottle in so I can get my legs looking good ready for the Summer (if we ever get one).

Thank you Garnier :-)

PS I've checked MySupermarket and it looks like Superdrug have an offer on at the moment if you want to give it a test yourselves.

Tupler Technique Confession

I received a comment asking for an update. Well as anyone following the blog might have predicted I didn't keep up with the Tupler Technique despite being convinced that the technique could help me. I'm still 2 inches less than I was so that is very pleasing. I think the reason I stopped is that I had got to the point where I had to do the exercises lying down. I couldn't figure out how to do this when I was at work. Which is a bit of a cop out as I do work from home 2, 3, sometimes 4 days a week. But I'm just not organised enough to find the time morning, noon and night but I have to. I am going to attempt to start again and use the new year as the motivation. One thing I have always done though is wore the splint or one of those Velcro belts 24/7 and I'm always very careful to hold everything when I sneeze, etc. Still, sometimes I am not quick enough and the pain that rips through my stomach is incredible and it's got to be like Julie Tupler says - it's ripping the tissue. I don't think I can do without the splint as it just holds all my organs in and I feel very uncomfortable when I take it off. I definitely need the support and I must start the exercises again so I can make progress on the physical road to me discovering me.

The Life Audit

Those of you following the blog from the beginning may remember my love of (almost unread) self help books. One of these is The Life Audit by Caroline Righton.

I've had this book since 2009 and even spent an extra £10 purchasing electronic pdf copies of the paperwork to save damaging the book by writing my inner most thoughts into it.  But as you might expect from me I never quite got round to doing the audit properly.  It was just too big a task to take on.  However, I had visited The Life Audit website for some reason (can't remember why now) and noticed that an app (program for smart phones) was being developed.  So I kept checking back at the page or checking the App Store whenever I did updates to see if it had been released.

Then on the 10 December I noticed it had but with the shocking price of £4.99.  I don't, unless absolutely desperate and it comes highly recommended, pay for apps and even then would only pay 69p at most.  But I'd been waiting for it and it would finally help me do the audit and get something back from having purchased the book and paperwork. It would have a fab way to record all the things, like the daily time log (how easy could technology make recording such stuff, housework planner, storage stock take, etc. I naively felt the app must be good for the author to be willing to charge £4.99.  You'd have to be really proud of it and feel it was more than able to compete with the vast array of free apps, for example, like one of my favourites - My Fitness Pal.

I was naive, some would call me stupid and as stupid is apparently as stupid does I'm afraid I'd have to agree with them. I installed the app and opened it and straight away it looked disappointing.  The book contains some 48 charts covering areas such as time, health, relationships, home, money, work, leisure, citzenship, etc. Here are some screen shot of the The Life Audit app....

This is the screen you get when you select activities.

You can record activities under the categories shown on the left.  At £4.99 I'd want a little flexibility as to how these were labelled.  Also, once you select them the clock starts.  Fantastic.  You just have to remember to stop it when you finish that type of activity and start the next one.  The first activity recorded fine; the next one didn't but there is not a way to manually add the time that was 'lost'.  I tried again and the app failed again so this is not fit for purpose at all.  Not worthy of a free app let alone one that costs, yes, £4.99.

You can also record in the Journal section.  By filling in the ???.  It looks like you have a fair few characters to write your thoughts when you click on it but if you write too much then when you click okay it disappears and you have to start again.  Which ironically is a waste of the time the book is trying to save you!  

You can add notes to all the other sections.  But really people are NOT going to just note down what they have consumed when they can scan the bar codes in My Fitness Pal and have a compete FREE breakdown of the nutrients and calories the food they have eaten contain; giving them instant tracking of their calorie intake.

And when you want to view the journal - this is what you get.   I don't know if they thought they were being fancy or whether they had just got bored by then but really it's blurred!!

I used the app for less than a day and that was with trying to justify that I hadn't wasted my money.  But you know what - I have.  Please don't waste yours.  This is not good enough.  Not good enough at all.  I wouldn't even recommend to the author to give the app away for free.  The app should be driving sales of the book but right now it will drive sales away.  If it were me I would refund everyone's money and pull the app from the store before more damage is done.  Then I would go away and do my research properly.  My Fitness Pal links with other apps and may be there would be room for My Life Audit to link to My Fitness Pal who could cover off the recording of food consumed.  Why reinvent the wheel when someone has already perfected it.  Then I would develop the parts of the Life Audit that can't be found elsewhere.  Once I'd got a product that I was happy with and that worked for me and my friends.  Then I would offer it for free and build up a bit of reputation off before finally, maybe, putting it on for 69p.  

Anyway, hope the review helps because buying the Life Audit app certainly did not help me on the path to me discovering me.

The making of a lady.

Tonight I watched the period drama, the Making Of a Lady. I hadn't intended to watch it and even missed the first few minutes but the beauty of the property used for Polstrey drew me in. I did spend a while trying to find out if it was a National Trust property but despite my own self confessed brilliance at searching the Internet I couldn't find any reference to it. I did, however, find a write up about it which help me understand the earlier, missed, part of the story. So the heroine wants to marry for love but due to her circumstances comes to an arrangement with a Lord to have a marriage of convenience to them both. The scenes between them show a true loving couple and you can see the path their arrangement (aside from the troubles they find themselves in) is heading in and it is a real Cinderella romance.

I, on the other hand, never believed in love or marriage. Poppycock! When I was younger I felt marriage licences should be valid for certain lengths of time 5 years, 10 years; with the option to have a rethink after the licence period was up. That was until I met (this is where I should insert - THE LOVE OF MY LIFE - but anyone following this blog will know the use of those words have dropped off to almost non existence) my OH (that seems to be the way some of the world refer to the people that they are obviously not that attached to. It doesn't sound very attached does it. Does it?) Anyway I digress. It was as if we were reunited. That in a past life we had been cruelly separated (add relevant dramatic music) but now we had found each other and we were destined to be together forever this time. What a crock of shit that turned out to be. How did I not see it? How did I go from not believing in love and marriage to thinking I'd found some lost part of me. And believe I did. For over 12 years. That was until I watched my OH DM (private message for those not on Twitter) some woman to say he loved her and wanted to be with her. From our bed when he thought I was asleep. I still can't get over how sick that was but hey ho. That was the Canadian woman. Turned out it wasn't her, or wasn't just her, I maybe should say.

I'm sure you can go back to the beginning of the blog if you want to take the roller coaster with me. Anyway, it happened apparently because I didn't show that I loved him. But then when I saw the private messages on his dirty account with her who shall not be named he explained to her that soon after marrying me he realised I wasn't the one. SOON AFTER MARRYING ME. Well, it might have been helpful if he had given some indication at some point at least during those years, maybe? There I was, like the cat that got the cream, with my one, my life only he wasn't my life, my one. He wasn't my anything. He loves me now. So he says. And yes we are more honest with each other. Closer some ways except I feel like my heart is locked away for safe keeping since I can't be trusted with it. And I disappoint him every time I say I hope so after he says he loves me. But it doesn't really matter if he doesn't does it. I've already been broken; the irreparable damage has been done. I'm a Gemini so you can't lay all that on me and then expect me to think the fairy tale was ever real. SOON AFTER...echoes in my mind. Pretended to love me for years but didn't so how the hell can be love me now? Yes I hung in there I did what I needed to keep my family together and his drinking is less of a worry for myself, the children and for him. But for me the fairy tale has been forever damaged. It's one thing not to believe in love, marriage and fairy tales but it is quite another to have the fairy tale ripped from you. It was lovely, if heartbreaking, to see the scenes they played out in the Making Of a Lady. At least fairy tales are still alive and kicking in films and tv shows as much as it turned on the water works for me. Someone's got to keep the dreams alive. As for me it's a timely reminder of the need to get swiftly back to me discovering me.