Groundhog Day

I have in the recent past tried to follow the FlyLady thread on MSE but then I decide to search for the original FlyLady.

The basics for FlyLady (amongst other advice) is setting up morning and evening routines so you get in the habit of getting the things done that you need to in order to have more peace in your life.

FlyLady believes that it takes 27 days for a habit to form.

This is what I have been working on.  Rather than putting post it notes around to act as reminders, I use the unofficial FlyHelper app so that I have my routines with me all the time (well all those times when I haven't misplaced my phone).

But today it finally dawned on me.  Things hadn't gone quite according to my morning routine list  (as seems to be the case most days) and I was wishing it was tomorrow so I could try all over again to 'get it right' whilst trying not to beat myself up about it.  

That's when it hit - Groundhog Day.  

I need to go through my 'groundhog day' until I get the routines rights.  Just like Bill Murray's character had to in the film.  And yes it was frustrating and annoying for his character to have to keep messing up before getting it right but it was all worth it in the end.

So instead of me beating myself up, I need to remind myself that I'm just having a groundhog day and if I keep on going it will be worth it all in the end.

And I will be well on my way to me discovering me.

Roller coaster

I had a revelation today, of the spiritual kind...

I am not the one responsible for the roller coasters!

And that is despite always, always getting the blame for them. 

The reason, I think, I get the blame is that the OH only realises we are on a roller coaster when he hears me screaming to get off.  Hence why I get the blame.  But it finally dawned on me that the only reason I am screaming is because I can't cope with him when he is so consumed by drink.  

If he didn't drink, I would have no need to scream.  Therefore, he is one responsible for the roller coaster not me. 

Destructive Relationship

He is destroying me and I don't have the strength to resist or cope.  If I don't get out I don't know what will happen.  Life is POINTLESS.

It's like pulling off a sticking plaster, you know it is going to hurt like hell and you don't know how bad the wound is underneath.  It could get better without the plaster and with some fresh air.

Picking at the corners and managing to pull half of it off then leaves it to catch on something causing more pain. Stupid us tried to stick it back down.  Now I get double the pain. How stupid am I?  I have to go through this again but this time I've got severe depression to deal with as well.  How can I cope?  Flylady and mini habits mastery had better be as effective as they claim.  I have to ignore Monday and focus on getting through the next five minutes, working through my routines and then see where I am.  And on and on until I can cope a bit better.

I think I am his crutch but I'm broken now.  He needs to find a new crutch.  I'm destroyed.

He treats strangers better than me.  I was committed to a prison sentence and not told of my crime until 2011.  And my crime - I wasn't THE ONE.  And he knew it before he married me.  And stupid, stupid me tried to carry on and show him just how much I did love him.  And FOUR years later, whilst times have been better (hence the lack of posts) I AM STILL NOT THE ONE!  Never was, never will be. End of. 

I drive him to drink because I'm not the one he wants to be with, and his drinking destroys me. I resent it and drive him to drink more and on and on and on.  DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP.