Well. Didn't expect that....

It's 3:05 am (well it was when I started writing) and I can't sleep. It had been a good day for the most part. I even felt I had made progress on the Me Discovering Me journey. And I had felt loved. The LOVE OF MY LIFE had been very loving, with thoughtful touches and little kisses which didn't feel pretend or forced. It was lovely right up until after dinner. We were snugging on the sofa and I saw him DM (Direct Message for non Twitter people those are private messages that don't show up on the public time line) the £85 phone call b'tch. So I ended up doing my usual, 'what you talking to her about?'. Just chatting he says how was your day, what you have for tea, that kind of thing. Well why did the message start with 'would' I ask. Well it went downhill from there because it brought it all back and I just kept on. I wasn't being emotional at all, just talking but it got to him and that look came back into his eyes. I didn't expect that. I don't understand why he is getting emotional when I am not. Maybe I touched a nerve. He says he is not settling for second best but who knows. By the time we'd got to bed we were right back to where we had been with him completely p'ssed off with me. How am I ever going to trust again? So much for me thinking I'd made progress on the Me Discovering Me journey.

This might sum up our year so far...

A twist (or twitter) on Johnny Cash and June Carter and their song, 'Jackson' which will forever make me think 'Twitter'.

You+Me:We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,

We've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went out.

You:I'm goin' to Twitter, I'm gonna mess around,

Yeah, I'm goin' to Twitter,

Look out Twitter town.

Me:Well, go on down to Twitter; go ahead and wreck your health.

Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,

Yeah, go to Twitter; go comb your hair!

You:Honey, I'm gonna snowball Twitter.

Me:See if I care.

You:When I breeze into that city, people gonna stoop and bow.

Me:Hah!!

You:All them women gonna make me, teach 'em what they don't know how,

I'm goin' to Twitter, you turn-a loose-a my coat.

'Cos I'm goin' to Twitter.

Me:"Goodbye," that's all she wrote.

Me:But they'll laugh at you in Twitter, and I'll be dancin' on a Pony Keg.

They'll lead you 'round town like a scolded hound,

With your tail tucked between your legs,

Yeah, go to Twitter, you big-talkin' man.

And I'll be waitin' in Twitter, behind my Japan Fan,

You+Me:Well now, We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout,

We've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went out.

I'm goin' to Twitter, and that's a fact.

Yeah, we're goin' to Twitter, ain't never comin' back.

Me:Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm mhmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm

You:Well, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout'

And we've been talkin' 'bout Twitter, ever since the fire went...

Knock me for six

Well we got back from holiday and things seemed to have improved. It felt loving and safe again. So I was shocked at the conversation we just had. I'd tried arrange a night out for this week but then had to give up as it was obvious that the LOVE OF MY LIFE'S heart wasn't really into the idea as it would mean travelling and getting back late. I've been rather affectionate this week. Feeling more like the old me but got the impression that he was already tiring of it and I commented that this is what he had wanted. Well that lead on to him saying that my reaction to his lack of interest in the trip out was interesting given that he felt it was my first knock back and he had had many knock backs over the past 11 years. The way he spoke took me back months to when he just didn't want me anymore. The annoyance, not sure if that is the right word, in him as to why I was being affectionate now and hadn't, in his opinion, for the past 11 years. And it has just knocked me for six. I thought what we were doing now was mutual. And now I feel like a teenager who has been throwing herself at a boy that doesn't really want to know. He said it needs time to see how it goes but that isn't how it had come across before. I thought we both wanted to be together. Obviously, the jury is still out on his part. But when I asked him before if he was just with me till he got a job and got himself back on his feet he said no. So now this has caused an upset. I tried not to let him see it had knocked me for six but he is already going on that I am being funny with him. I'm not, honestly. I just took myself away to think about what had been said and to work out my feelings. I was trying to be adult and unemotional. I'm going to be accused of causing yet another roller coaster. But I don't mean to and right now there's so much horrible stuff going on at work that the last thing I can cope with is yet another area of my life falling apart. I need calm and stability otherwise I'm going to crack up. It will start my paranoid mind off again as two weeks ago I felt he was on the hunt for a replacement £85 phone call woman. Maybe he is. Carry on with me till he sorts himself out and then bye bye baby.

#silentsunday