Broken Hearted :-( Again

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE has been so kind to me this last week. He had a complete Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde change happen last Saturday when he turned back to Dr Jekyll. It's been like heaven although there are times that I can see his heart is not really in it. Today, however, I am feeling rather paranoid because I feel he is not just Tweeting his ladies (they apparently have a fan club for him) but I feel there is something more. It none of my business, I guess, since he has made it clear he no longer wants me but it still hurts. He is in love with a woman in Canada that he met on Twitter and now I am no longer The One, she is. He accepts that since she is married and in Canada that there is no future for their love and that's why he is still here. Very sad really because if two people love each other they shouldn't let distance come between them. He is being so nice to me and all I am doing is throwing it back in his face as I have asked him about 5 times today who is he talking too. He says he is just Tweeting the usual lot but he is not on a Twitter type app. I know that these Twitter people use email, ping and skype as Twitter is apparently too slow. They all really love him. He is very discrete with making sure I can't see his screen but that just shows to me he is hiding something. He can talk for hours to these women but we barely speak. I just don't know how to talk to him and so many subjects are taboo. He is so supportive of them if they are having a bad time or upset about something or other. I wish I had someone to talk to like that. I guess that's what this blog is really about. It's my 'someone to talk to'. Things are never going to be the same again. I've lost my husband, lover and best friend all in one go. Why can't I just accept that I messed things up so badly by not showing him that I loved him and be grateful he is still here. Why can't I just be happy? I am fed up of crying alone in the dark.

I sometimes wonder...

...is the drinking to avoid being near me.  So tired + a bit of drink = sleeping on the sofa which means not needing to have contact with me :-(

Crazy how things change.

I guess it's off to bed alone for me - although I might need to wait for dinner to go down.  Bring on the Gin - if you can't beat them might as well join them.  Bring on the sleep.

Fairy Tale Day...

...let's hope it a Happily Ever After ending.  :-)))

The Wedding

Well I just watched The Wedding. How wonderful and amazing and hopefully good for the country too. I really hope they have a wonderful married life Together.

Feeling a bit down though because I would have loved to have watched it with THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. We had so many dreams, we thought we were perfect for each other. Always used to say that it was like we had been put back together having been split apart in some distant past. We made so many promises to each other on our wedding day but look where we are now :-((

Make sure you cherish your other half and do everything you can to demonstrate your love to them. Never stop talking. Never stop listening. Never stop touching. Never stop appreciating.

Moods

I wrote a Blog on the way to work this morning about not feeling very happy. I'm walking home now and can feel my mood has lifted a little.

It made me wonder what the cause was. It is now a beautiful summers day - is that the reason? Or the fact that I am walking away from, rather than to, my rather unfulfilling job? Or maybe it was just the pleasure of getting a text from the LOVE OF MY LIFE? Who knows, but it's a shame I can't bottle it.

Hope you had a good day. :-)

Muddled

I've got nothing to say but I know that if I started talking I'd never stop. Does that make any sense at all?

Maybe I have a lot to say but just don't know where to start? And I know it would come out in a rambling, bumbling mess.

Am I depressed again, is it SAD symptoms now that everything has gone cold, or because 'Aunty' is visiting? Or is it all of them or none of them?

Who knows but I wish my mood would lift. I just want to be happy.

So I should be I guess. Like the story from the concentration camps. The person who said the Nazi's could do anything to them but the one thing the Nazi's could never do is affect how they felt about it. I'm not explaining very well. I'll find a link and update the blog later. If someone can find the strength to make the best of things in a concentration camp then what am I moaning about. I have a perfect life compared to most in this world and I should be doing my upmost to live it to the full and not waste a drop being down or miserable (not for too long anyway).

So who is determined to have a good day and what do you use to make that happen? Answers on a postcard or comments. :-)

Update - The 'person' mentioned above was Viktor E. Frankl who endured the horrors of Auschwitz for three years and came to the conclusion,

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to chose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

What Gets Measured Gets Managed...

...or so the saying go. I can't vouch for this but I can say with certainty that the opposite is true. What doesn't get measured/monitored doesn't get managed. (I get the feeling I am messing with double negatives or something with that sentence but English was never one of my strong points). Anyway, the point I am attempting to make is that I set the blog up to ensure I, at least on a daily basis, did something towards, or thought about, Me Discovering Me. And those observant people out there (the stats inform me that people from USA and from Russia have looked at the blog! Wow - small world suddenly) may have noticed a missing post or two. Also, after singing the praises of MyFitnessPal I have failed to log in and record my calories for a wee while now. :-(

I am going to blame the school holidays and attempt to turn over a new leaf tomorrow when I begin work on establishing a good morning routine. So until then - Do svidaniya!

Remind me not to have a heart to heart with the LOVE OF MY LIFE

...because it kills me to hear the words - 'I told you I'm not in love with you anymore.  I like being around you, I like spending time with you but I'm not in love with you'.  It's a killer.  Guaranteed to have me in tears.  The words cut like a knife.  And all because he thought I didn't love him.  And for years he has been pretending to love me, pretending everything was rosy, until I suddenly figured it out a couple of months ago.  He was supposed to be my best friend.  Some friend eh?  Couldn't even tell me he was unhappy.  Even though I said to him, I don't know how many times, that the drinking showed he wasn't happy and that we needed to talk or do something before we ended up hating each other.  He could have said something then, couldn't he?

Well I got off to a good start with this blogging lark...

... thanks to this post didnt-you-get-memotop-10-newbie-blogger - Tip Four - Plan Ahead - which wisely suggests that you schedule stuff.  Which is what I did and it proved particularly useful as the last few days have been too busy to focus on me and I haven't had internet access.  At least I can say I have posted each day (via scheduled posts) and therefore not feel like a failure.  When I first set up the blog it made me feel so positive and gave me a really good feeling.  I seem to have lost that positive feeling and I am wondering if it is because I haven't been focusing on the blog and therefore getting the positive feelings that it had been giving me.  So although I could not think of anything to blog regarding my progress I felt at least I could make some kind of post today which also, by way of mention, thanks StupidGirl for her helpful blog post mentioned above (find full blog at generationwhynot-stupidgirl ). So thank you StupidGirl

Progress to date...

Well, following the 'late' advice of Everyone - the following has so far been achieved.

• A haircut - a nice bob
• Some colour to wash away the grey
• Eyebrows have been 'done'
• New glasses purchased on Sunday - just need to pick them up
• Lost some weight

Now I have been needing to lose weight for soooo long.  I spent my youth being criticised for being 'too skinny' despite the fact that I ate like a pig!  Literally!  I would go out clubbing when younger and have not one, not two but three donner kebabs afterwards.  My friends would never let me go back for more!  And with McDonalds, if I went there, I always had three big macs otherwise there would be no point going as I would be starving when I came out.  So I think you'll agree I ate, literally, like a pig but could not put weight on.  However, with a change of job where I met the LOVE OF MY LIFE I started to fill out a little and by the time the two children came along I had filled out a lot.  Having spent my life as a 'skinny person' I didn't feel comfortable in my new plump role but didn't know how to change and having absolutely no discipline I had no chance.  Now, however, I have found it so simple due to the MyFitnessPal app which I downloaded to my iphone (that, I guess, and being broken hearted doesn't do much for your apetite).  I have lost almost a stone and the difference - not to my body but to my energy is incredible.  I feel able to do all the things Husband apparently had wanted me to help with but I had been too incredibly tired to motivate myself.  What I especially like about MyFitnessPal is that I have lost the weight without doing any exercise.  It has all simply happened by counting calories.

It seems Everyone else always knew...

... I need to do something, anything... you know the routine if you've read the previous posts.

So my life falls apart, husband wants out.  And what are the first suggestions to come flying in from concerned friends and relatives?

• Get a haircut - a nice bob
• Maybe some highlights and lowlights
• Get your eyebrows done
• Smarten yourself up - get some new clothes
• New glasses
• Lose some weight
• Have a spa day and pamper yourself
• Get some sexy underwear

Everything will be fine.

I thought everything was fine.  Husband tells me one of the reasons for wanting out is that he thought I no longer loved him because I never made an effort.  Then I hear back from relatives that they were shocked, 'I had let myself go so much'.  Well, where was all this advice and concern years before?  Talk about waiting till the horse* has left the stable**!  Although, credit where credit is due - Mom did say, often, the things that needed fixing but I didn't listen did I!

So the lessons:

• Mother knows best
• Take a look in the mirror - if you were a stranger would you suggest the person in the mirror smarten up?
• If your other half tells you not to worry, appearance doesn't matter - don't believe them.
• Know your priorities
• Make time for pampering you

* substitute horse for Husband ** feel free to substitute stables for a more fitting word - pigsty?

Where to start...

That's a hard one given the array of books at my disposal.  There are a lot of areas in my life that need 'fixing'.  I have the following roles:

Me

Daughter

Mother

Wife/Lover/Best Friend

Friend

Employee

Family Historian

All need work.

So which book to start with?  I guess it would be hard to work on being a good mother or daughter or lover if you don't know who you are.  So I expect, as selfish as it sounds, I need to work on me first?  The Rules of Life seems to be a good place to start only if I did I would be breaking the very first Rule - Keep It Under Your Hat.  And I wouldn't be, would I, if I am blogging about it.  I'd be telling the blog.

It seems I always knew...

...I needed to do something, anything, to try and work out who I am, my priorities and what I wanted to achieve in life.  My bookcase is littered with self help books.

The Rules of Life

The Really Useful Book for Successful Living

Endless Energy

The Life Audit

new leaf new life

The 28-day Vitality Plan

Mind Gym - Give Me Time

Mind Gym - Wake Your Mind Up

Tony Buzan - Use Your Head

Dr Gillian McKeith's Ultimate Health Plan

BodyWise

Mind Over Body

Little Angels

Learn to Remember

Learned Optimism

The Superwoman Syndrome*

The majority of which are in pristine unread condition.  It is like the act of buying them will magically make your life better - you don't have to actually bother reading them.  Now, however, my lack of understanding of my priorities has raised it's head and slapped me right in the face.  And boy did it hurt.  Hurt in a way I never thought possible.  I thought life was rosy and I couldn't have been more wrong.  So I guess I need to start reading some of these books in case they help.  So that is the plan - To blog daily to keep my mind firmly on the task at hand and use the books as some sort of guide or inspiration. So it has been said so it shall be done (I hope).

* The Superwoman Syndrome - The book that tells you how to stop trying to 'do it all'  - This is the only book I have read - rather strange given the fact that I never had to 'do anything' let alone 'do it all'.  My Darling Husband, the LOVE OF MY LIFE**, did everything: the shopping; the cooking; looking after the children, etc, everything.  And happily, or so I was told/thought.

** Unfortunately, DH has since handed in his resignation as the LOVE OF MY LIFE :'-(((((

The View of Others...

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment or should that be there is a lot falling apart in my life at the moment.  My friend, the one I confide in, sent me these lyrics and feels they sum me up.

Apologies to Katy Perry - hope this doesn't infringe copyright.  I understand that these words were written by Katy Perry about her own experiences so hopefully she'll understand.

(The bold highlights were made by my friend - the bits she wanted me to really take in).

She is a pyramid

But with him she's just a grain of sand

This love's too strong like mice and men

Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane (cane-cane-cane)

But now she's just a gust of wind

She used to set the sails of a thousand ships

Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a Statue of Liberty

She could be a Joan of Arc

But he's scared of the light inside of her

So he keeps her in the dark

Oh, she used to be a pearl ooooh

Yeah she used to rule the world, ooooh

Can't believe she's become a shell of herself

Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable

Move fast just like an avalanche

But now she's stuck deep in cement

Wishing that they never, ever met

She could be a Statue of Liberty

She could be a Joan of Arc

But he's scared of the light inside of her

So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl ... ooooh

Yeah she used to rule the world ... oooh

Can't believe she's become a shell of herself

Cause she used to be a ..

Do you know that there's a way out, there's a way out

There's a way out, there's a way out

You don't have to be held down, be held down

Be held down, be held down

Cause I used to be a shell

Yeah, I let him rule my world, my world, oh yeah

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on

And no one can take my

Pearl

You don't have to be a shell ... noooooo

You're the one that rules your world ... oooooh

You are strong and you'll learn that you can still go on

And you'll always be a

A pearl

She is unstoppable

Why bother?

Because I need to do something, anything, to save myself from myself.

I have no idea who I am.  I barely have any opinions of my own.  I know not what is going on in the world.  I have absolutely no routine to my life.  I have absolutely no discipline to stick to anything.  I suspect this will, like everything else, be a two second wonder - very quickly forgotten.  And when I say forgotten I mean it - I often don't have any recollection of things I have done.  Not very helpful.  I hope it's not a two second wonder but given past performance it is the most likely outcome.  I have always wanted to keep a diary but have never managed it.  I have several diaries from over the years and it seems the only page ever filled in is January 1st.  So this might be a one second wonder after all.  I would like to promise to do a small, managable post each day but I never like to make promises as I will only break them.  Can you see how much work is required here!  The internet is a great place to hide but there is always the risk, however, slim that someone might stumble upon this blog so I am hoping to use this risk as my incentive to try and post something on a daily basis.  Day 1 done - yippee!  Can I count that as my first success/step to Me Discovering Me?