Total Memory Makeover by Marilu Henner

I have been reading this book the past few days - Total Memory Makeover by Marilu Henner.  I have a terrible memory.  A really terrible memory.  I am only part way through the book but I can see already the possible reason for me having such a bad memory.  Marilu believes that if you aren't paying 100% attention to what you are doing (because your thoughts are in the past or the future or distracted by your phone) then you're not going to be able to build memories on which to remember later.  Also, it seems that 'bad' memories can be buried away so as to avoid pain.

Things have been better with my husband the past few months.  We have made an effort to go out more, just the two of us on an almost weekly basis.   The drinking has still been getting me down particularly since we agreed to stick to a certain budget each and yet when his budget runs out he still buys drink.  I really want to get us out of debt so would rather we didn't keep overspending.  He says he loves me but the drink always comes first.  And it's not like he buys one extra drink when he has no money - no he can buy two or three extra per day.  Also, whilst we are together we are more like house mates than husband and wife. And then tonight he asks me what I want to drink - cup of tea or hemlock?  It was a joke apparently.  But given that I have been feeling a little well, the s word, I didn't find it funny at all. It actually really hurt.  If he doesn't want to be with me then he can just say so.  Why doesn't he just say so?  If he wants money then he should just say and I will take a loan and try and get him the money he wants and then I can get on with my life and see if I can't somehow find the happiness I haven't been able to find so far.  Or even just find peace. That was my one wish for the summer holidays - find peace.  And what have I found instead - hurt, pain and sleeping on the sofa.  

And what is going to happen?  What is the pattern that always happens?  I can feel it starting to happen even now - I'm too tired for this.  Too tired to stand my ground.  So he will leave me alone for a couple of days until I forget and then once the feelings have been buried and forgotten we will just go back to how it was before until the next thing.  So can Marilu and her memory exercises wake me up?

Marilu in her book says:

"Positive and negative patterns in your life are easy to identify once you step back and look at them from a wide-angle perspective."

Will Marilu's APR - anticipation, participation and recollection practice - help me on the path to Me Discovering Me?

It must be true - time flies when you are having fun...

I can't believe how long it has been since I added a blog post.  Things must have been going well.  Well on the relationship front they are better than they have ever been.  Not perfect but then what is!  We are so much closer now than we ever were (even in the beginning) which can be clearly seen by my lack of blog posts. I only ever felt the need to post when things between us weren't going so well.

So why am I back now.  

I have just filled out a survey about Mutu Mamas and I had checked on my blog to see what comments I had put about the Tupler Technique and that's when I saw how long it had been since I last posted.

So where am I now?  This is what I put a the top of the blog all those years ago.

Why? Quite simply... because I haven't got a clue who I am. Time is moving on fast and it is about time I worked out who I am, what my priorities are, and what I want my life to represent. If you had to write your own obituary today - what would you write and would it please you?

Worryingly, despite how good things are relationship wise, I am not sure what has changed for the above statement.  I think I have a little bit more of a clue about who I am but I still haven't worked out my priorities. In fact that is something that I am really struggling with.   

I have joined audible and I am currently on my second run of listening to

Freedom from the World  Written and Narrated by: Eckhart Tolle

It's a bit different but I do think there are some valuable takeaways and things for me to think about.

'You're never upset for the reason you think' - I haven't got my head around this one yet.

'Don't take your thoughts too seriously. They are only thoughts.'  - yes this is one I need to listen to.

'Refuse to be driven mad by the world' - absolutely need to listen to this.

'Nothing in this world matters absolutely' - I do need to learn to keep things in perspective.

'Allow this moment to be as it is' - it is what it is - I do need to learn to sit back and allow space between myself and whatever is going on so I don't get dragged into the drama of it all.

He suggests practising the ability to do small tasks, like picking up a cup and moving it, without the interference of thought.  One conscious breath at a time and try and do 50 per day.

I think, given my poor memory, that I should make little notes like this on the blog so that I can remind myself of what I have listened to or read.   I was quite surprised at the detail in my Tupler Technique post and found it very useful being able to go back to it and look at what I thought at the time.

Well it is about time I got back to documenting the journey of me discovering me.