Well I spilled my heart out to my OH last night. Tears and all. I ended up saying how much it hurt not to be 'the one' and that I thought he should have been braver and gone to be with the love of his life instead of settling for us. I don't know what I was thinking of. It's not like I haven't got the blog to pour my heart out to, is it? I've really upset him now as he says he loves me and wants to be with me. The trouble is he never says she is not the one. He did say it was all blarblarblar. In fact he has said before that it was 'just what blokes say to get a shag' but I have to put that to one side as that raises even more issues and questions which are not going to make things better at all. Quite the opposite! So whilst things can be really good between us it still feels like he is settling for second best. And that's not fair on me either. He should have said something years ago when we first got together that he had made a mistake and I wasn't the person he wanted and then he should have hung out till he found 'the one'. By him settling for second best it's like I don't count. But he sees it as me dismissing his love. Why can't I explain myself properly. Isn't that, if he is willing to settle for second best then I am being made to settle for second best too? Maybe he thinks I can't do any better and he feels sorry for me? But one thing I have learnt through this whole process is that I am a really nice person. I know nice people don't get anywhere in life but you know what...I'd rather be me than some of the almost nasty vindictive people I seem to hear about who do all sorts of things when they find out the bloke they are with doesn't want to know anymore. I guess I need to try and bury my feelings and just take each day as it comes. I suppose, more importantly, I need to focus hard on me discovering. me. I have been making some progress but I'll leave that for another blog post. Oh and pinch punch, by the way, first of the month (and no returns). X
