My week in recipes...

One of the areas that I wanted to start working on was getting my cooking confidence back and becoming competent in the kitchen.

BBC Good Food is the, absolute, best place to start; with lots of recipes which work as the ratings and comments testify.  And start I did; with chicken biryani (a very quick but tasty version not that the purists would agree). 

I was a bit apprehensive as there were lots of helpful comments from people that had tried the recipe and I wasn't sure whether I should adapt the recipe as per their suggestions or stick to it exactly. 

I decided to stick exactly to the recipe and hope for the best.  It worked brilliantly. I was so pleased with it.  It tasted really good and even the LOVE OF MY LIFE seemed impressed.  I felt on top of the world.

The next day on a whim I decided to bake a sponge cake. It stated that it would only take 30 minutes. That sounded very doable.   

I was slightly distracted when it came to adding the eggs; which are supposed to be beaten into the mixture slowly one at a time rather than being chucked in all together and stirred. Disaster!!  What could I do to rescue it?  I didn't have a mixer and the only thing I could think of was to put it in the blender.  That kind of worked apart from the mixture being too thick and it causing the motor to strain. So out it came again.  I had contemplated throwing it away but figured I may as well carry on and what will be will be.  I mixed in the flour and it seemed okay so I filled up the tins and popped them in the oven. They still looked okay when I took them out 20 minutes later.   I left them to cool, whipped the cream, spread the jam and put them together. Voilà!  So pleased with myself :-)) It was completely gone within least that 24 hours.  (I bet I put on more than 2lbs this week!)

Thursday night and I was cooking again.  This time chicken stuffed with herby mascarpone.  I am not so confident with dishes that involve a number of items that need to come together at the same time.  I also worry about making sure the meat is cooked properly and so tend to leave it longer in the oven than I should.  It showed though, unfortunately, whilst it was nice it was little bit dry.  Next time I shall have to try not to leave it in so long. To make the potatoes more interesting than just boiled spuds I did Parmesan roasted potatoes. Whilst they were okay I don't think the coating added that much too them. Maybe the chicken overpowered the taste.  Anyway, this was my week in recipes on my journey to Me Discovering Me.  

My week in numbers...

I guess the lack of posts from myself indicates that things have been better of late; smoother.  Not perfect and not without ups and downs but the ups and downs are more ripples than roller coaster.  I am not sure what is going to happen in the future; does anyone?  Obviously, not from what I have seen so far.  We are just taking each day, one at a time.  That's all I think you can do with relationships in this day and age.  I am however looking to the future in other ways.  It finally dawned on me that I need to start getting some exercise. I don't (or should that be didn't) do exercise.  At school I would prefer to pick up litter than go through with a sports lesson at school.  So taking any exercise is a big achievement for me, however, here is my week in numbers:

+ day 1 - swimming breaststroke 1650 m
+ day 2 - rowing 3479 m
+ day 3 - rowing 3444 m
+ day 4 - rowing 3423 m
+ day 5 - rowing 3324 m
              - stepper 450 steps 
+ day 6 - rowing 3195 m
+ day 7 - rest day

Finally making some progress on Me Discovering Me. :-)

(I still managed to put on 2lb though!)

Seconds...

I worked my socks off over the past month so I could enjoy the Easter holidays. But no I am on the sofa trying and failing to get some sleep. What did I do this time? Well the Love Of My Life was not happy, or should I say was rather angry, with something that happened in the house this evening and I, like a fool, played Devil's advocate. That ended with a 'right, that's all good then' or some such thing and I didn't get spoken to again. So I figured I may as well sleep on the sofa. Only I can't sleep can I.  I'm not crying or anything. Maybe I'm too tired or I've got to the point where no matter what I'm never going to be good enough; or say or do the right things. Always, always the second class citizen in all the walks of my life. And that's not self pity there, that's just simply, unemotionally, stating a fact.

First visit in a while

First visit since 2 March I believe. That is a record.  And I don't think I even have the energy to give you a glimpse of what happened tonight.  But I need to tell someone.   Do you know what I mean? That horrible pain in your heart like you need to scream until nothing is left, nothing more can come out.  Actually I hope you don't understand.  I hope you never feel like that.  I don't understand what happened tonight, if I honest. Lots of banging doors though. And not by me. To find out what was going on I had a look to see if he had tweeted anything. Oh yes. 'Fcuk my Life' only spelt correctly.  So the banging doors weren't because the window was open as I had been told. Got him an exchange culminating in a virtual kiss from him and hug from her. Never going to go away is it.  If his life is so shit here then why doesn't he just go where he is going to be happy? Life is too short and I'm never going to be 'the one' like I apparently was in the beginning. I know I am tired. It's been an eleven hour day today as I need to meet some impossible deadlines by end of financial year and I didn't really sleep last night. That is probably why I just feel like shutting down and saying goodbye. I'm tired, no shattered. Goodnight x

What the hell did I do?

It's been a bit mad in the house with kids staying over and I was having to sit in the living room whilst the children sneak down for 'midnight' snacks.  And then I get told that I need to put a favourite film on to calm me down before I drive him nuts.  I'm not sure what I did.  I don't know what I could have done to avoid it.  But I have really pissed him off yet again. I said to him I don't understand what happened and he said he was just trying to help me as I needed to calm down.  I was only sitting at the computer??  Yes, I was waiting to be able to leave the room as I wanted to use the bathroom but I didn't realise that I wasn't calm.  He said I needed help and he was just trying to help. But I am a person not just something that he thinks needs help.  I was just waiting for the children to go to bed so I could relax and enjoy the evening.  I've not had tea yet and had only just realised it was 9:30 and may be I was giving off funny vibes because I am useless when I have not eaten but I don't understand what I have done.  I wasn't ranting or raving.  The room was a mess and I was waiting to clear it up once I knew the children weren't coming back down to trash it.  What did I do?  Don't want to be crying again.  What did I do?

Back already :-(

Things have not been the same since Sunday. I ended up texting how I felt as I was so upset I was not able to talk about it. He had made an effort earlier with a hug here and there and I felt I had to communicate how I was feeling in some way as otherwise I'm not sure where we would have ended up. I was very truthful in my text. Maybe too truthful. Nothing was said about my text and we haven't really been the same since. We've just had another upset. I said about needing to make cakes for DD2 who has allergies as they are having cakes at school today. I didn't nag as he hates nagging. Well she had to go off to school with rice cakes instead. So I suggested that I send him hi future self (iPhone app) message so he can get a reminder and then I don't have to be made out to be a nag. What is it with men. They say they'll do something. You can see they aren't which then makes you nag otherwise it gets forgotten. If thu don't want to do it then why don't they just say - not going to happen sort it out yourself. Why???

I've just asked him to get the messages saved into the hi future self app and pissed him off. I'll do it he says. He said that last time. I hate being made to look like a nag. The only option I have is to just do it myself as he doesn't have the time or inclination. Be a different story if it was to remember a rugby match. Feel so bad today. Crying when I should be working. Really need to sort my time management out on this journey to me discovering me.

Not even a week gone by and I'm back again :-(

I don't know where to start.  Apart from crying.  Bath time - that's what started it.  Or is it just that my thoughts and feelings do not count for anything, ANYTHING!  It all started with them wetting the bathroom.  Which causes trouble with mom.  I can understand her point of view.  Wooden boards, soak by tubs and tubs of water, just don't last even if you ignore the mould.  I am the only one working and am up to my eyes in debt trying to keep this family together.  If I have to get the boards replaced it will mean the whole bathroom being removed and refitted as the boards used are large and fit under the bath, sink, toilet, shower.  So I said no please please stop. He went mad shouting that they can't have fun in this house.  I didn't mean to spoil the fun and if we had a wet room I doubt I would have said anything as it would be easy to dry and fix.  But we don't.  And silly play like that always ends up with someone getting hurt and one of the children crying.  He was so angry.  It made me wonder how much he had drunk.  Only four cans but silly play often happened when he had a drink which is probably how someone always got hurt cause things get out of hand.  To top that he was downright nasty and sarcastic to our seven year old.  And for once in my life I said that's not acceptable to talk to her like that.  She was simply trying to explain the soap had got back on her after she had got clean. She didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.  Nasty sarcastic comments.  I lived with a stepfather for years and it just brought it all back.  I might not have been able to stand up to a nasty bullying male like that when I was a child but I am damn sure I am not going to allow it to happen to my daughter.  No way.  I guess I should look on the bright side - on more step on the way to me discovering me.

What can I do to make myself feel better?

I've caused another upset or at least that's the way it feels. All I did was say that I wanted the LOVE IF MY LIFE to take the Christmas presents around to his parents house. I put a lot of effort into the presents. The order for one went wrong and it took a lot of effort to get it put right. We have had then a while now probably a month and there is always some reason why we can't take them around. Well it had to be today otherwise I know it wouldn't be for another week and like the children said by then they'd be better as Easter Presents. So I kept my ground and insisted it had to be today. He was not at all happy. Not. at. All! He came back and not a word. I had to ask if they liked them. He asked me later if I was alright. No, not really says I. Why do I feel bad for trying to do something good. I don't like going around say he. Words were had and a bad look too. Down I went straight into the spiral. I can't lift my mood and I can't eat my food. That is unheard of with me. It's been a rocky day anyway with words with mom this morning too. I've just managed to irritate him again as he has just asked what is wrong and I said the bad look you gave me in th kitchen. I've got over it now why are you dragging it on says he? Because, I say by this time crying, why do you have to make me feel bad when I'm trying to do good? He just walked off. Which is exactly what I want to do now. The quicker I can get to bed without causing another upset the better. In the words (or not) of Garbo. I want to be alone.

I'm such a disappointment to him :-((

I've done it again. I DM'd (Direct messaged for those that don't use Twitter) to ask for my lift from the station. He didn't show up. I kept walking at it was around the children's bedtime so he was probably busy and the exercise can only be good. And then I looked didn't I! His normal Twitter account had been protected (locked so only followers can see what is being Tweeted) this had me wondering about a conversation with mom the day before when we talked about my lack of observation skills and how sometimes she couldn't believe what I wasn't seeing right beneath my nose. I'd mentioned this to the LOVE OF MY LIFE and then felt rather paranoid that he was locking down his account as if there was something to hide. Then I looked at mentions on his 'dirty' account as I can't see that one as it has always been locked but you can see one sided conversations with those that they talk to that haven't locked their accounts and it was obvious that he was in a brief conversation with at least one person. So he is on Twitter but isn't responding to my DM. Then the thoughts started, flash back to the past, was he ignoring me, had I upset him, had he had a drink and couldn't risk driving. My mood dropped and I just couldn't lift it. I had to walk past the flat we had moved in to beginning of last year and that threw up a whole load of other disturbing memories. Like the night he was drunk and blatantly lying to me and I remember screaming at him, 'Oh my God, what kind of person are you!!!'. By the time I got home I had withdrawn into my protective shell. He knew the second I walked in the door. I couldn't hide it but also I couldn't talk about it. I was friendly but distant. We had a beautiful tea and I cleaned up the kitchen and went and stood outside. He used to do that alot before the upset and I wanted to feel what he felt. He caught me outside and wanted to know what was going on. So I told him. Disappointment spread across his face again and I had ruined Valentine's evening which we had both being looking forward to. I feel I have done serious damage this time. It disappoints him that I have never trusted him and he doubts I ever will. He can't see it from my point of view that knowing he told that woman that he knew soon into our marriage that I wasn't the one and that she was the most perfect woman for him and what he dreamt about doing with her and that last year he spent all Valentine's Day talking and texting her despite the fact we were meeting in London to see a show. When we got back to the hotel room he was sitting up in bed tweeting to her and I lay there irritating him because I was sobbing to myself and spoiling what was supposed to be a nice evening. How am I going to get over everything because it is the past I disappoint him everytime I bring it up. And every disappointment is like another coffin nail in our relationship. It hurts him that I don't stick to the present and give credit for good behaviour as it were. There is a definately a distance between us today. I feel thoroughly miserable.

Jumping To Conclusions

I did it again, didn't I!  Jumping to conclusions.  Making mountains out of molehills.  Adding two and two and getting 26!  Woke up this morning to the question, 'are you okay with me?'.  No says I.  I am really trying with the honesty stuff - good job really.  I said what did you drink yesterday?  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE.  I ask the question again.  'What did you drink yesterday?'.  'Cider' says the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Silence. We had risotto yesterday didn't we which needs wine says I.  Then it came out - he had had a little bit of wine but most of it had gone in the risotto.  He told me yet again that he had worked out what he could have so he would be okay to drive as he never, ever wanted to go through that again.  So it would seem I had done it again.  Jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I came downstairs this morning to see a pint of cider on the side that he hadn't finished before he fell asleep so he was okay to drive as that must have been at least 2 units.  I also told him how I felt when he drank hoping he'd fall asleep on the sofa so I could escape.  Horrible to say it but best that I am truthful.  Just need to stop all this jumping to conclusions on my journey to me discovering me!