I think a new blog post is long overdue. I had been thinking this for a while now but the other week I received an email to say my blog was three years old. THREE YEARS OLD! I nearly fell off my chair. Wow, I hadn't realised it was so long ago. What a journey from where I was when I started the blog to where I am right now! If someone had told me at the start of the blog that this is how the journey would go I would not have believed them. Those who popped in to look at my blog might have noticed that I only tended to blog when I needed help, support, comfort and that when things were fine I didn't feel the need to stop by so often. For the little blips along the way I have tended to send a short tweet rather than manage to find the words for a blog post. It would seem that the person who caused me to need my blog in the first place was the one person who could also cause me not to need it - by simply being there and helping, supporting and providing comfort though our very difficult journey. Believe me, we hit the bottom, the absolute bottom of the roller coaster and that seems to be the point at which things started to look up.
We have had our little ups and downs since, which seem to get smaller and shorter each time, and disappointingly almost always involve alcohol in one form or another. And yes there may be the odd days here and there where I don't feel my heart full of love and I expect he feels the same. It used to be the end of the world for me but now I realise I am likely to feel the complete opposite in a day or even an hours time. It puts a different perspective on things.
I put my wedding ring back on ages ago which is something I never, ever expected to do again which I think demonstrates the complete turnaround. It doesn't mean we will be together forever but I am committed on a day to day basis. I don't know what the future holds, who does? I do know I won't ever be at the point I was before. I can, and more importantly will, walk away if my needs aren't met and I will not fall apart again if he ever decided to do the same. It's a little sad in a way as whilst things are better than they have ever been it seems to me that there is a little part missing. Or maybe I just realised that things change and yes you might not like it but life goes on, people die, people move on, people forget you but life goes on. Whether we like it or not. As I read somewhere years ago - you will laugh again. You have to look for the rainbows, learn to dance in rain, seek a new door when one closes, learn, grow and move on to the next challenge. Hold on to the hope that everything will be fine if you just accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives. And that's not easy for a pessimist to say!
I am, absolutely, a work in progress on my path to me discovering me.
