Finally an update...

So what have I been doing on my journey to me discovering me.

To cut a long story short I ended up off work for a long period of time with stress and depression (I was in denial about the depression).

I've managed to get back to work and I'm probably four months back now. I am still not well and as I said in my last post I had a bit of a mini breakdown the other week.

I don't understand why I am struggling so much as I have been doing a lot to try and get better. 

I signed up to Get Some Headspace a while back and ended up buying the version for the whole year. I've done the foundation, the stress pack and I am now struggling with the relationship pack. Without a good morning routine I really struggled to fit the Headspace into my day. I find, like Andy Puddicombe says, that aiming to do it in the morning means it gets done and you have more chance of taking it with you during the day. I have managed a few weeks waking up about 6:00 to 6:30 putting on the travel kettle that I now have by my bed so I can get a cup of tea which is usually cooled enough to drink by the time I have finished my Headspace session.  It feels good to get it done like.  I found it difficult to do the visualisation with the stress pack (I just can't get over the fact that each toe and each finger fills up one at a time - how??) and find it hard to find someone to focus on in the relationship pack. I am hoping that if I keep going things will get easier. I need to get more sleep though as I keep falling asleep during my Headspace, particularly the relationship pack.

I also took out a subscription to Psychologies magazine using our Tesco points.

I am currently reading:

• Learned Optimism;
• Organizing from the Inside Out;
• Never Check Your Emails in the Morning; and
• Optimised Thinking.

Oh and also reading:

• Bastard Husband; and
• My Life in Black and White.

I never normally read fiction but I found Bastard Husband whilst I was going through my own difficulties.  I have just finished reading Bastard Husband and at the end of the book it pointed to a website/blog and it turns out the story is more fact than fiction. I have yet to have a good look at the blog but it is something I intend to do.  I found My Life in Black and White purely by accident.  I was walking through the library about to get some magazines out and this book cover caught my eye and that was it I ended up borrowing it. 

From reading Learned Optimism it is now confirmed that I am very pessimistic. I guess anyone reading the blog probably knew that already. When I am feeling brave enough I am going to read my blog from the start and see how much is pervasive, personal and permanent.  I am currently trying to note my ABC's - Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences so I can move on in the book.

I also found out from doing the test in the book that I am moderately depressed.  I was one point off being severely depressed.  I hadn't believed the doctor when he suggested I was back in November 2013!   At least now I understand why and can be more aware, hopefully.

Prior to this I have been receiving emails from a couple of places and I have found real benefit from them.

The first is Rori Raye. Obviously it is about selling the information she has gathered over the years and normally I wouldn't look at something like that because of that simple reason.  But in this case, over the months of receiving her emails, I am convinced she has valuable information to sell.  And if I knew anyone having relationship problems I would recommend that they at least sign up for her emails. I do believe she could give you knowledge that most women do not have.  The reason I am convinced she knows what she is talking about is because it was only after reading her emails that I realised I had been doing some of the things she talks about completely by accident and now I understand a bit more how me and OH have gone from a really bad relationship to one that is better than it was in the very beginning. We still need to work out the alcohol issue but otherwise things are very good. 

Marc and Angel Hack Life is another email I am signed up for.  They send regular emails that make you think about the way you live.  I need to set aside time to take it all in properly.   I have even extracted a paragraph or two and shared it with the children.  They might only be 9 and 12 but no reason why they can't start thinking about what they want from life and how they want to live it.  I will do a blog post in the future as there was a passage that they interpreted totally differently to me and I feel they were right.  I just hadn't seen it.  Very enlightening and good to know my children are more insightful than I am.

I have also recently found Zen Habits and want to put time aside to think about the issues and ideas presented by Leo Babauta.

Because I have so much going on, probably too much, I thought I could try and do a more regular blog post picking up on issues in the books and from the emails and websites I have been looking at.  I am hoping that by doing it that I will focus on one or two ideas at a time rather than reading something and moving on to something else without exploring what I have already found, if that makes any sense.

I want to commit, on a daily basis, to me discovering me.

When he says something - don't believe a bloody word!

Well I have been wanting to do a blog post for the last couple of weeks to record all the things I have been trying on my journey to me discovering me. 

But the OH went away yesterday for a boy's night away and he has just arrived back.

He said - HE SAID - he would try not to come back as wasted as he did last time.  Guess what! He is more wasted than last time and has walked in the house and now taken the dog straight out for a walk in this hot temperature.  He was having to put his hand on the wall of the hall to keep himself upright.  

I don't know what is worse - feeling worried or just feeling relieved he is out of the house for the moment. Poor dog. :-(

I have had an up and down day today.  I am really tired due to practicing getting up at 6 to 6:30 for whole week.  The wrong time of the month has just turned up today and now on top of it all I have to deal with him thinking he is being wonderful when in fact it's quite sickening.

I need to get our bed made as soon as possible in case I can convince him to go to bed.  But the sheets, mattress protector, etc are on the line - not sure if they are ready to go back on yet.

I really don't need this right now. I am struggling enough at work at the moment.  I had a mini breakdown at the train station on Thursday when I realised I had lost my train tickets. I remember collecting them and sitting down on the platform but when I came to get off the train they were gone.  I have no idea what I did with them so distracted is my mind.  The lady at the station who helped me said that I should not go into work but should go to the doctors as I was so upset and distressed.  I managed to go to work and go through the day but I need to take care and not have to deal with drunk when I am struggling day to day as it is.

Better go and check the washing.

A note to remember...

He had drunk enough last night.  I got back this morning to realise, from his wobbling condition, that he had been drinking again.  Only three apparently (which means he drank so much more than I thought yesterday).  I said he had to stop.  I've never done that before.  I don't want my weekend ruined.  He said he would stop. I've come down from upstairs to find the four cans that were left are now only two!  I don't have the energy to be angry and what's the point of being disappointed.  It just sums up exactly how much he loves me, since actions apparently speak louder than words.  Whilst I am not going to let it ruin my weekend I also don't want to forget this step on the way to me discovering me.

How old?

I think a new blog post is long overdue.  I had been thinking this for a while now but the other week I received an email to say my blog was three years old.  THREE YEARS OLD!  I nearly fell off my chair. Wow, I hadn't realised it was so long ago.  What a journey from where I was when I started the blog to where I am right now!  If someone had told me at the start of the blog that this is how the journey would go I would not have believed them.  Those who popped in to look at my blog might have noticed that I only tended to blog when I needed help, support, comfort and that when things were fine I didn't feel the need to stop by so often.  For the little blips along the way I have tended to send a short tweet rather than manage to find the words for a blog post.  It would seem that the person who caused me to need my blog in the first place was the one person who could also cause me not to need it - by simply being there and helping, supporting and providing comfort though our very difficult journey.  Believe me, we hit the bottom, the absolute bottom of the roller coaster and that seems to be the point at which things started to look up. 

We have had our little ups and downs since, which seem to get smaller and shorter each time, and disappointingly almost always involve alcohol in one form or another.  And yes there may be the odd days here and there where I don't feel my heart full of love and I expect he feels the same.  It used to be the end of the world for me but now I realise I am likely to feel the complete opposite in a day or even an hours time.  It puts a different perspective on things.

I put my wedding ring back on ages ago which is something I never, ever expected to do again which I think demonstrates the complete turnaround.  It doesn't mean we will be together forever but I am committed on a day to day basis.  I don't know what the future holds, who does?  I do know I won't ever be at the point I was before.  I can, and more importantly will, walk away if my needs aren't met and I will not fall apart again if he ever decided to do the same.  It's a little sad in a way as whilst things are better than they have ever been it seems to me that there is a little part missing.  Or maybe I just realised that things change and yes you might not like it but life goes on, people die, people move on, people forget you but life goes on.  Whether we like it or not.  As I read somewhere years ago - you will laugh again.  You have to look for the rainbows, learn to dance in rain, seek a new door when one closes, learn, grow and move on to the next challenge.  Hold on to the hope that everything will be fine if you just accentuate the positives and eliminate the negatives.  And that's not easy for a pessimist to say!

I am, absolutely, a work in progress on my path to me discovering me.