I haven't blogged despite having lots and lots of confusing feelings that I need to work through. I haven't blogged because I don't know where to start, where it would stop or even how to put what I am feeling into words. I feel like I am spiralling out of control and I don't know how to stop it or how to save myself. I thought I had come quite a way since I started this blog but when I think back at what I wanted to change I might even have gone back in some ways. It doesn't make sense really because on the surface of it things have really improved. My husband (that is a very hard word to use but is easier to describe like that as LOVE OF MY LIFE is no longer applicable) are still together despite everything that went on (see earlier blog posts) and he tells me on a daily basis that he loves me. That is, I guess, an amazing achievement since he no longer wanted to be with me and was in love with someone else. I've also managed to secure that longed for promotion at work. Things are looking up one would think. Add to that the fact that I have lost 30lb and I should be walking on a cloud. But I'm not. Aside from the crying I don't feel any happier than at the beginning of this blog. In fact I feel more trapped and helpless than I ever did.
I have made very little progress with the decluttering and I still have not found a routine that I can stick to more than a day. And I am helpless to see what I can do to fix it. The children had said they wanted a hamster. I explained that our house is too cluttered and untidy for us to have a hamster. The children promised they would tidy up their stuff and declutter if they could have a hamster. I hadn't discussed this with the OH as I didn't think much of it. Yes, if the children did miraculously clean up a Hamster would not be too high a price to pay. I felt I would be happy to take care of a hamster or two if it meant the house was tidy which would mean that I could clean it easily and effectively. OH was shocked when the children mentioned it and was not happy with the idea of them having a hamster. I said I expected the children to both bore of decluttering as any mention of chucking stuff out in the past had met absolute no's and upset. Any DD1 had said she would start with clearing one shelf per day and then we could do under the bed together on Sunday. I got a text at work half way through the day from Grandma to say I hope you know what you have left yourself in for - she has cleared all the shelves in one morning! It seems that DD1 had found the perfect incentive and was not going to give up in her quest for a hamster. And her determination was rubbing off on DD2. Then we went for a day out at the zoo and at the end of the day we were in the souvenir shop and DD1 says she would like to sponsor one of the animals for £45 as her remembrance of the day. I tried to explain that if she saved the £45 she could get a really amazing cage for her hamster. This is when the OH told them they could have a dog instead. Now he had mentioned to me when he said he wasn't happy with them having a hamster that he would prefer them to have a dog as they would get more fun out of a dog. Which I kind of agreed to. But I hadn't quite got as far as them being told they would have a dog if they tidied up the house. However, once it had been said there was little we could do and I guess if I got a tidy house out of it I would feel better, I would be able to clean it more easily and we could start trying to have a house to be proud of rather than embarrassed by. We started looking at dogs that might be available not expecting to get one any time soon since hardly any decluttering of the house had been done. Well to cut a long story short - they were told yesterday they could have a dog if and only if they got the house decluttered and so their rooms could be easily cleaned. Today I have a puppy sleeping at my feet as I type. How the heck did that happen. I wasn't feeling so bad about it until we had had it in the house for about two hours. We had taken it in the garden as there had already been too many 'accidents' in the house. When it came back in it seemed 'all excited' as in humping the children 'all excited'. I could not disguise my upset as not ever having had a dog before I had never expected anything like that and this is a PUPPY!!! To say I was shocked was an understatement. The children got upset my my reaction which didn't help and the puppy has changed the humping since. I feel dreadful. Instead of getting a lovely tidy house that I could clean, I have a dirty untidy house that now has wee and doggy business on the carpets and it stinks. It could have fleas and worms. If you knew anything about me you would know that my paranoid head will be working overtime and my nagging for hands to be washed and fingers not to go near the face or mouth is almost constant.
What the hell am I going to do with a stinking humping dog that I have to pay for when I don't have enough money to pay for us. Then I start to wonder how the hell I get into these messes. The OH has been drinking more and has been falling asleep downstairs on a more regular basis. My head is a complete mess.
And as for work I am struggling so much. I have absolutely no motivation or energy for the job and I don't have a clue what to do to fix it.
So there it is.
Not sure where I am on the path to me discovering me...
