Yes, I'm back. I should never have been away. This was supposed to be about me wasn't it so why haven't I been here recording the good instead of just the bad. I had had it in my mind for the past few weeks that I needed to come back here and update myself on progress. Reflect so that I can see that I am making progress, slow progress but progress nonetheless. Well, I made the mistake of questioning the drinking. I have done this many times before and the response has been positive. We were able to talk about the drinking and he didn't react in a way that caused upset. Today he did. I don't know what I said differently or if my tone was wrong or I looked in the wrong direction but this time he took offence. I tried to go up to him later for a cuddle in the hope of preventing it from escalating but I got a 'what!' in that tone. And I was back. Back to the heartache, back to not being wanted, back to him with that other woman, back to here and to tears and to my ripped apart heart. I'm tired, I'm old and too much water has passed under the bridge. I can't take it any more. I am not a bad person despite what he might think. I'm not and yet I seem to attract unhappiness and disappointment from people. See I can feel it building up - if I wasn't here then everyone could get on with their lives quite happily. Gosh it has been a while since I felt like that which I guess is very good news. But you know, I'm tired. I am struggling at work. I am not sure if it stress or if Alzheimer's is starting but I am not saying the words that I think I am saying or typing in emails and I don't know what to do. What I don't need right now is to be brushed aside because I have mentioned drink. Things had been better. The gaps between upsets had got longer and longer until it was starting to feel as if the roller coaster had stopped. But now, now I just want to get off. I'm too old and too tired to keep doing this. I want my sanity, I want consistency, I want peace. I don't want to keep being brought down. If he is not happy then why, dear god, why doesn't he just be brave and go and do what makes him happy. I said to him the other day when we had gone out for meal for my birthday. I didn't know what to talk to him about. He was trying to tweet at the same time so it's not going to help my conversation flow if I had anything to talk about anyway. I don't do anything, I don't have any interests. I don't know what to talk to him about. The next day we went out to eat again and I didn't feel like that - I had had a drink though. How am I going to pick myself up again? Just wait until morning when the drink might have subsided and everything is back to 'normal'. To me though it feels like another nail in the already very well nailed coffin. It's not possible to go back is it.
