I'm a little disappointed that I haven't blogged regularly. Not surprised but still it's disappointing. Given my poor memory the blog at least would act like a diary and given the constant shift in my feelings it would have been helpful to get them down in black and white as it were. It's easier to spot patterns and trends that way. Help me find out what I am really feeling deep down inside and what is just temporary reaction to events, people, behaviours around me. Maybe?
I did start a couple of blog posts in the notes on my pad but didn't finish them. At least through this journey my (exaggerated?) reactions have calmed, if not stopped. I've learned that no matter how upset I am, he is (note the 'he' rather than the 'love of my life'), or any stressful situation is at some point we will be okay with each other again and it is not the end of the world.
The unfinished blog post theme was that this relationship is not sustainable and at one point I was even looking up amicable divorces and flats for him to rent near his new work. This morning I am still thinking that this is not sustainable. He says he loves me but does he? Does he really?
I didn't appreciate him joking with that woman he loves about killing each other's mother in laws. Okay it was a joke. I didn't find it funny. Would you? Honestly I'd like to know. Would you find it funny that someone you love and who is says he loves you talking on Twitter with the women who he thinks is the one for him about killing your mother? Would you? I have asked him in the past not to say things about my mom on Twitter. And he agreed and then this. He says if I didn't look I wouldn't have anything to be upset about. That may as well be but the things are still being said and thought and discussed just because I wouldn't know about it doesn't mean it's not. Does that make any sense? It clearly shows how much he cares about me don't you think?
It's the little things now. Not looking back before he drives off or when I get off the same train before him. And the not so little. We are in so so much debt because of all this and keeping the two places going for 6 months and all the holidays and all the drink. The drink has cut down from what it was 12 months ago but I have explained that we are in real debt and I am having to try and stay out of the red everyday but still everyday he is buying drink. He has to have at least 2 litres of cider per day. Sometimes he has 4 and sometimes he tops it up with beer or a bottle of wine. Is that excessive? It is nothing compared to what he was drinking (a thimble full in comparison) but what is normal in other households. Is that less that what your partner/husband/lover drinks everyday? Even if he drinks the cheap cider and only one per day that is almost £700 a year. Well when you have build up thousands of pounds in debt on lots of credit cards £700 is a lot of money. Well it is to me. He is working now but on a fraction of his original wage and I have paid for all the excess drinking during the 6 and 12 months he was out of work. Even though the agreement was once he had decided to stay with me was that he wouldn't drink if he wasn't working but I guess he didn't care.
We had a bit of a row the other week. He wanted to shred his receipts (paid for with money I had earned) and I offered to do it for him but he got very nasty about doing it himself. Something to hide maybe?
He has been training for weeks on this job and the training has been really dull and pointless so it is great he has managed to keep going. He tells me everyday about his boring pointless day (I then feel guilty as it makes me feel that I am not keeping him in the style to which he is accustomed (I hate my job too if anyone has noticed but I have house, children, bills to pay and drink to supply to him so I have to keep going. Anyway where was I?)). Oh yes boring pointless days. So the credit card bill comes in and there is £19 spent on a workday at the pub. So I ask what that's about. Oh they went out at lunchtime for drinks. On a day he has to drive. Has he learnt nothing? Drinking at work. On a new job. Really? Apparently he treated other people as they had treated him a few times. So it was more than one trip to the pub but never got mentioned when telling me about his day. That sent me a clear message that I am not actually part of his life. That was a big one. He has his virtual world on his clean Twitter account that he says I shouldn't look at and he has his locked away virtual world on his dirty Twitter account which I can't see and now he has real world that he doesn't share either. Living separate lives eh! What is the point? Another example of how he cares about me.
Makes me feel he wants the single life with his ladies on Twitter but with the comfort of 'married' life. And the reason for the blog post today is that every time I wake up he is on his phone. And that just takes me back to when he was telling that woman and others that he loves them and what he wants to do with them.
See this relationship is not sustainable. He might be happy settling for second best but maybe I want more. Maybe I want the fairy tale I thought I had. Maybe the person I am supposed to be with is out there waiting for me to wake up.
In other news we started decorating the bedroom. It could have featured on one of those horder TV shows so a lot of stuff was boxed up and taken to storage. He did the DIY and I helped where I was allowed. He is always nasty when doing work like this and finally he admitted he HATES doing DIY. My question is why do it then? Why? What is the point? He gets really nasty with me when I'd rather he just said it's really not my thing can we come up with another solution? I'm wondering if my current feelings are down to the nastiness (made worse by him being tired) and soon it will all be nice and happy again? Anyway, finally the room is done and I have ticked off one of my bucket list. Don't laugh but (and I blame Fred Astaire) I have always wanted a sofa in my bedroom. And now I have. Might only have been a £95 one from Ikea but a sofa none the less :-) See I'm good at wasting money too.
Now I just have to work out how to get the stuff in storage back in without damaging the lovely decluttered space.
I learnt a lot about myself during this time too. I like DIY preparation. Scrapping the paint off the ceiling is certainly more interesting and satisfying than my job and I actually quite enjoyed it. I think I might be able to cope with DIY on my own.
I've been trying to keep up with my cooking. In fact whilst he was DIYing I cooked four days in a row!! And last night I made a delicious risotto so am feeling really pleased with myself. I would certainly eat well even if I was on my own. So that is good to know. So small small steps on the path to me discovering me. x
